KWIBS - From February 8, 2010 - By Kevin Noland

Almost everyone takes issue when it comes to having their name misspelled or pronounced incorrectly.

The past 20 years of being the owner of the newspaper has made me especially conscious of that fact. We strive not to make a mistake with a name, but it happens from time to time.

There's one name that we seem to always get wrong in the paper, even though everyone in this office knows how it is spelled.

I was eating lunch on Monday at noon and got a phone call from a gentlemen who was not especially pleased about the spelling of his name in the paper. Granted, all of the letters were there in their proper order. The problem was one letter that was supposed to be capitalized was not.

Now keep in mind that it was only about 1 p.m. The paper had just come out. This is one keen reader!

We did misspell his name. It's a mistake I had made once in the past and after a good tongue lashing, I promised it would never be made by me or my staff again.

Unfortunately, the mistake repeated last Monday. In all fairness (and to pass the buck), neither me nor my staff made the error. The article was submitted by a third party. However, we failed to reproof the material for the spelling of names and opted to just run spell check over the lengthy article.

With my unintentional lack of judgment, came the spelling of one Charles "Degeer".

It should have read Charles DeGeer, with a capital G!

I do feel badly about the error and take partial responsibility for the mistake and would like to dedicate my column this week to Charles DeGeer with a little poem I've written for him.

Ode' to Charles DeGeer......

by his friend Kevin Noland, 2010

Now I'm sure old Charles wasn't really that mad,

But it irritates him to see his name wrong - real bad,

I knew in my gut

When he was chewing my butt,

That he knew I was no college grad.

I plead my case to him over the phone,

The mistakes in the past I did own,

But this wasn't my doing,

Someone else's rear he should be chewing,

Since the article was not even home grown.

And we all know how to spell his name

Because 'round here it's a name of great fame

But it's wrong in the phone book,

Don't believe me? Take a look!

A mistake none-the-less just the same....

Make no mistake his name is DeGeer,

And his name when misspelled instills great fear,

He did use such class,

While ripping my ____,

and his point was made loud and clear!

I'm timing Charles to see how long it takes him to call and comment on this week's article.

Have a great week Mr. DeGeer

KWIBS - From February 1, 2010 - By Kevin Noland

It looks as though I will be cheated on space this week for a column. Sometimes that's all right, as I don't have much to say. I do have one important announcement.

Saturday, February 6th, 2010 a special guy in our family will reach that prestigious age of 21! Devin Schaffer, proud new daddy of my grandson, will be of legal age that day.

I'm proud of you Devin and happy you are a part of our family.

We wish you a happy 21st!

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From January 25, 2010 - By Kevin Noland

Mike Roe stopped in to visit with me last week. Our conversations generally filter around economic development in the area.

Some of our past conversations have included development of the H2O initiative north of town, the high speed transmission line project, the wind farm and new businesses coming to town.

We always come back to one pipe dream that we both agree would be a good fix for our community's job development needs - a prison.

It's a topic that some don't even want to consider, but it's a necessary thing in our society. Unfortunately, our state and federal governments do not have the funding necessary to build new facilities. More and more of these facilities are being constructed with private funding.

Does anyone have about $50 million laying around? If you do and you want to invest in a project like this, I'm betting we can get our city and county governments together for some nice incentives for you!

The concept of a faith based prison is being discussed for the city of Wakita, Oklahoma. It's a brand new idea that will have some big hurdles to overcome and funding is just a small one.

The idea of a Christian run facility has some screaming foul when any government funding is involved, but this hasn't stopped city leaders from pursuing the idea. A complete story is available at the Tulsa World Online and can be viewed at www.tulsaworld.com. Search the archives for "Faith Based Prison".

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From January 18, 2010 - By Kevin Noland

Something very cool happened last Monday. Most people probably didn't even notice, but it was a palindrome - 01-11-10. A palindrome is a word, phrase, number or other sequence of units that can be read the same way in either direction. I suppose, the next date to be a palindrome will occur in 11-11-11. The last one would have been 10-11-01.

Now for the really cool thing that occurred last Monday.

Ronda and I became grandparents!

Our Grandson Kycen Joseph Schaffer was born to Breeann and Devin at 3:55 p.m. at Pratt Regional Medical Center.

One of the coolest privileges of my job is getting to print my immediate family's birth announcements. The last one I printed for myself would have been Nicholas on February 25, of 1998. So it's been a while since I got to print a birth announcement and I am very proud to print this one!

Kycen was welcomed to the world by an entourage of family! Maternal grandparents are Kevin and Ronda Noland of Medicine Lodge. Paternal grandparents are Joe and Stephanie Schaffer of Pratt, and Ladonna and Richard Weiss of Germany.

Kycen is the great grandson of Don and Linda Vick, the late Barbara Vick, Joyce Noland, Ron Noland, Carole Schaffer and Linda Coffemann.

He is the great-great grandson of Mildred Meairs!

Kycen's aunts and uncles include Nicholas and Joey Noland, Gage, Libby and Joey Schaffer and Kayla and Cory Degenhardt.

He's got hundreds more cousins, great aunts and uncles - more names than I have space for or even want to try and name. I would surely leave someone out!

Bree had called us on Sunday night and said she was having contractions. We got pretty excited. In fact, we didn't get any sleep that night. As soon as we did relax, the phone rang at 2 a.m. (and Hillary was not there to answer it). Breeann was pretty sure she was in labor. The contractions were closer and closer and by 4 a.m., Breeann, Devin and Miley (their dog) were at our house to drop off Miley on the way to the hospital.

We all congregated at the hospital for what would be a very long day.

After more than 2 hours of pushing, they wheeled Breeann in for a cesarean section at about 3 p.m. Shortly before 4 p.m. on 01-11-10 the little guy came into the world and will surely be a source of joy for so many in his large family.

And because no one else in his family has a column in a newspaper, I have chosen a photo appropriately!

KWIBS - From January 4, 2010 - By Kevin Noland

I'm sure this week's column will constitute someone typing me an ugly email response, but I can take it.

Christmas day's attempted terrorist plot over the skies of Detroit should remind all of us that Muslim extremists still want to kill Americans.

Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab allegedly tried to ignite a device attached to his body as the Northwest Airlines flight from Amsterdam began its final descent in to the American city on Christmas Day. 280 passengers, mostly American were on board Northwest Airlines Flight 253.

Here are some basic facts about the terrorist himself (yes, he is a terrorist) and the events that unfolded.

Nov. 19: Abdulmutallab’s father goes to the US Embassy in Abuja, Nigeria, to express concern his son was in Yemen and had fallen under the influence of extremists.

Nov. 20: The US Embassy sends a so-called VISAS VIPER cable with the information that Abdulmutallab’s father had provided. The cable is sent to all US diplomatic missions and the State Department in Washington, where it was also shared with the interagency National Counterterrorism Center for review.

Nov. 20: Abdulmutallab’s name is entered into the National Counterterrorism Center’s Terrorist Identities Datamart Environment database based on information provided by his father.

Dec. 16: Abdulmutallab’s round-trip plane ticket is purchased in Accra, Ghana, for $2,831 in cash, presumably by Abdulmutallab himself, according to Nigerian officials.

Dec. 24: Abdulmutallab reenters Nigeria for only one day to board a flight from Lagos to Detroit, via Amsterdam.

Dec. 25: Abdulmutallab allegedly tries to bring down Northwest Airlines Flight 253 as it approaches Detroit. The plane lands safely, and he is taken to the University of Michigan Medical Center in Ann Arbor, Mich., for treatment of burns.

Dec. 27: Abdulmutallab is transferred to a federal prison in Michigan.

Hopefully, he'll never again experience freedom.

Over the past year, we've been conditioned to feel that the war on terror is no longer a priority for our country, but the facts remain clear. Extremists hate America and our values and it's time we start accepting that fact and not worry about hurting people's feelings when it comes to profiling.

Yep, I said the ugly word. Profiling.

We've been doing it for years. It might be uncomfortable to say, but let's face it - profiling would add an extra measure of protection for America's interests.

We have to stop being so PC (politically correct) in this country. I'm not saying remove fundamental rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I'm talking about common sense and scrutinizing those who choose air travel.

I've got other ideas that aren't very popular too, but it could mean protecting American lives and that means more to me than upsetting someone because of their race, color, religion or name.

We've all heard of the "do not fly" list. Why don't we have a "do fly" list? Millions of Americans use air travel for moving about the country and the world every year. Screen these people first. If you have been flying for 20 years, have no criminal background, no association with Islamic fundamentalists or known countries that support terrorism - you get a DO FLY card and you get to go through a special line at the airport for screening. It's like the fast pass at Six Flags. Go straight to the front of the line and enjoy the ride.

If you are a flyer that travels once in a while and have passed basic background checks, then you go in another line that has a little extra security for screening. You might be asked to remove your shoes, belt, be searched for weapons or "no fly" items, but don't worry. It's for your safety.

Finally, if your name can't be spoken without spitting all over, you are on a "watch list", have terroristic connections or are flying from a country that does support known terrorists, then you go to a special line and strip naked, are X-rayed and get a full body search. We're sorry for any inconvenience. You'll get an extra bag of peanuts for your flight.

KWIBS - From December 28, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Who doesn't love exchanging gag gifts year after year?

For twenty-five years, two brothers-in-law traded the same pair of gift pants back and forth between them, each time finding more inventive ways to wrap them.

The one present Roy Collette wasn’t looking forward to getting for Christmas 1988 was those darned pants. Yet he knew he was in trouble as soon as the flatbed truck bearing a concrete-filled tank off a truck used to deliver ready-mix rolled up. Sure as God made little green apples, those pants had to be in there. And he was going to have to fish them out, else declare his brotherin-law the winner of a rivalry that had then spanned 20 years.

Being the sport he is, brother-in-law Larry Kunkel thoughtfully supplied the services of a crane to hoist the concrete-filled tank off the flatbed.

What’s this game, you ask? What was the significance of these pants, and why were two grown men going to such efforts year after year to retrieve them, only to send them off again?

It all began in 1964 when Larry Kunkel’s mom gave him a pair of moleskin pants. After wearing them a few times, he found they froze stiff in Minnesota winters and thus wouldn’t do. That next Christmas, he wrapped the garment in pretty paper and presented it to his brother-in-law.

Brother-in-law Roy Collette discovered he didn’t want them either. He bided his time until the Christmas after, then packaged them up and gave them back to Kunkel. This yearly exchange proceeded amicably until one year Collette twisted the pants tightly and stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide pipe.

And so the game began. Year after year, as the pants were shuffled back and forth, the brothers strove to make unwrapping them more difficult, perhaps in the hope of ending the tradition. In retaliation for the pipe, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. As the game evolved, so did the rules. Only "legal and moral" methods of wrapping were permitted. Wrapping expenses were kept to a minimum with only junk parts used.

Kunkel next had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can, which he soldered shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette’s name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who was the plant manager for Viracon’s outlet in Bensenville.

The pants next turned up in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a 1974 Gremlin. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

In 1982 Kunkel faced the problem of retrieving the pants from a tire 8 feet high and 2 feet wide and filled with 6,000 pounds of concrete. On the outside Collette had written, "Have a Goodyear."

In 1983 the pants came back to Collette in a 17.5-foot red rocket ship filled with concrete and weighing 6 tons. Five feet in diameter, with pipes 6 inches in diameter outside running the length of the ship and a launching pad attached to its bottom, the rocket sported a picture of the pants fluttering atop it. Inside the rocket were 15 concrete-filled canisters, one of which housed the pants.

Collette’s revenge for the rocket ship was delivered to Kunkel in the form of a 4-ton Rubik’s Cube in 1985. The cube was made of concrete that had been baked in a kiln and covered with 2,000 board feet of lumber.

Kunkel "solved the cube," and for 1986 gift-giving repackaged the pants into a station wagon filled with 170 steel generators all welded together. Because the pants have to be retrieved undamaged, Collette was faced with carefully taking apart each component.

What happened to the pants in 1987 is a mystery, and their 1988 packaging 1989’s packaging scheme brought the demise of the much-abused garment.

Collette was inspired to encase the pantaloons in 10,000 pounds of jagged glass that he would then deposit in Kunkel’s front yard. "It would have been a great one - really messy," Kunkel ruefully admitted. The pants were shipped to a friend in Tennessee who managed a glass manufacturing company. While molten glass was being poured over the insulated container that held them, an oversized chunk fractured, transforming the pants into a pile of ashes.

The ashes were deposited into a brass urn and delivered to Kunkel along with this epitaph:

Sorry, Old Man Here lies the Pants. . . An attempt to cast the pants in glass brought about the demise of the pants at last. The urn now graces the fireplace mantel in Kunkel’s home.

KWIBS - From December 21, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Overly bragging Christmas letters: We have all gotten them. You may have even sent them. David's soccer team led the division. Erica played the lead in the school play, made the honor roll, again, and was elected homecoming queen. Mike got a promotion and a raise along with a large office with a private bathroom. Shelly is quite busy chairing three community charities in between serving in the food line at the homeless shelter.

Well, shucks; if Sally made the Dean's list at MIT while Steven got off with a strict warning and 200 hours of community service for his DUI, which one are you going to write about? Sometimes life is hard to write about.

Do you ever just want to write the truth and slip it in the mail to your family and friends? You can be proud of all the good things in your life, but life isn't always as smooth as one might believe from reading a Christmas letter.

Every year, I say I am going to write a Christmas letter and send out cards and every year, I forget or don't have time.

Since I didn't write a "personal" Christmas letter, mine will be more public and go something like this.....

Hey all,

It's Christmas time and wanted to give you an update on the family.

First off, I am very proud of my kids. I just wanted to get that out up front even though my daughter had to drop out of college earlier this year because she is pregnant, Joey asked me if he could get "black guy" dreadlocks last night and Nicholas is going through a very rebellious, back-talking stage. They're good kids and I couldn't have been blessed with better!

Despite some setbacks in our plans this year, Ronda and I are good and life is good. Ronda is very excited about becoming a grandma. I, on the other hand, am excited about the new baby too, but refuse to be called grandpa just yet. I prefer "K-Pa" the artist formerly known as Kevin.

Breeann and her boyfriend Devin will become parents in just a few short weeks. Devin has a good job and works for the county road and bridge department and Bree does some baby-sitting. They just moved out from the appartment above Taco/Tico and into a small house here in town. The apartment was a great start for them, but Breeann and the baby needed to be on the ground level, especially in inclement weather.

Joey has been working on his levels of Call of Duty..... and his stand-up comic act. He's doing good in school and ran cross country this year. He's been working for John Nixon, helping out with auctions, but would like to find more work. We've been talking about his future plans. He's a junior this year. It won't be long and he'll be graduating.

Nicholas played football this year for the first time and really showed some athleticism. He likes all sports, but I think football is going to be his thing. He's a big Cowboys fan (because his mother and I are) and we took him and Joey to a Kansas City vs. Dallas game back in October. That was a cool experience for him. He's also doing well in school.

Ronda and I aren't big fans of this cold weather snap we've had. I turned 40 in October and had knee surgery earlier this year. I really feel the cold weather now.

The newspaper business is going well and I am still a bail bondsman on the side. We enjoy what we do and most days and going to work is fun for us.

We experience the same challenges, victories, failures and special moments that most people do in life as each year comes and goes.

So now we take a moment to thank you for your friendship and love and remind you why we celebrate this year.

It's so easy to forget what the holiday is all about. If you're like me you have last minute shopping to do, gift wrapping, decorating, parties to go to, school programs to attend, baking, family and everything else that goes along with this time of year.

For me and my family Christmas symbolizes God's love and mercy and the gift of his Son Jesus.

My favorite scripture about this season is in Luke 2, beginning with verse 8: "And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Ronda and I may be the worst when it comes to sending out Christmas cards, but we do have bragging rights to what this season means to us and for the blessings of family and friends.

So this is our card to you all - to our friends, our family and our readers. We wish you a Merry Christmas.

We pray that the peace and hope that is Jesus's birth fills your home this holiday.

ps: Of the 52 weeks out of each year we print a newspaper, the last two weeks of the year are the most hectic for us. Usually Christmas falls somewhere either on a print day, deadline day or smack dab in the middle of it all. We rush around at the paper weeks before, trying to schedule the time off and find ways to get work done in advance so we can produce the last two papers of the year.

We may be shutting the office down a few weeks over Christmas and New Years to spend time with our family and friends. We'll leave a note on the door if we do. If you have news, email me at knoland@cyberlodg.com.

KWIBS - From December 14, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Did you hear the collective "groan" on Sunday morning December the 6th?

That was the sound of those who competed in the dodge ball fund-raising event sponsored by NBCRC.

I went to the event all bummed out because my weekend plans changed. Originally, I was supposed to have been out of town and didn't get on a team, but as my luck (or lack there of) had it, I got picked up in a late draft by Norm Clouse.

Without a warm up or even an explanation of the rules, I was throwing, dodging and being hit by flying balls.

But they didn't hurt. There was no pain! That was, until the next day.

OH MY LORD! When was the last time I used that particular muscle group? It is the one that started somewhere at the top of your head and ended at your toe nail.

I limped out of bed for church Sunday, with a sort of shameful satisfaction as I remembered throwing the balls at some people in our community - ones that I had always dreamed of throwing a ball at! The event was a blast and my hat goes off to Becky Catlin and all who helped put this on. What a blast. I can't wait until February for the next one!

? ? ? ?

Please take a moment to read the following column. It's worth your time and why I even bother to put out a newspaper each week.

It’s not recognized as a national holiday.

We don’t get the day off from work.

We don’t have throngs of people carrying signs celebrating it — or denigrating it, for that matter.

And the day doesn’t even show up on most calendars.

In fact, if Jay Leno went Jaywalking and asked the average American citizen what we celebrate on Dec. 15 each year, he likely would get nothing more than a blank stare.

Dec. 15?

' have no idea,' would be the common answer. I’m too busy shopping for Christmas presents.

Yet, on that day and virtually every other day of the year, Americans freely exercise the rights that came with the ratification of the Bill of Rights, the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution.

Freedom of speech.

Freedom of religion.

Freedom of assembly.

Freedom to petition government for a redress of grievances.

The right to due process.

The right to bear arms.

The right against self-incrimination.

The right to a jury trial.

And, lest I forget, freedom of the press.

Yes, 218 years ago, the founders accepted almost verbatim George Mason’s ÒVirginia Declaration of RightsÓ as the bedrock statement of our individual rights as Americans.

George Mason isn’t a household name, unless you’re a huge sports fan, especially of college basketball.

While we should put our nation’s founders on their own unique pedestal, we can’t lose sight of the fact that had it not been for George Mason’s dogged determination to get his ÒDeclaration of RightsÓ accepted as the first amendments to the new constitution, we might not live in a country where we can speak out, hold opinions that others find objectionable or even abhorrent, be considered innocent until proven guilty, exercise our religious beliefs or choose not to believe and assemble for or against an issue without fear of recrimination.

George Mason held back his support of the new constitution, saying that the blueprint for a new nation lacked the absolutely essential ingredients that would place the individual above the state in almost all circumstances.

Had he not done so, we might be living in a very different country today.

So, on Dec. 15, whoop it up a little in celebration of Bill of Rights Day.

And if you happen to go to a holiday party or two, you can impress your fellow guests with your knowledge of the history of the Bill of Rights.

Someone once said they never discuss politics or religion.

What country are they from?

Doug Anstaett is executive director of the Kansas Press Association.

KWIBS - From December 7, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Well, we made it through part I of the holiday season.

Key to the celebration of Thanksgiving is gathering with family and friends to partake of a sumptuous feast prepared in honor of the day. Central to that feast (or at least to our common mental image of it) is a roasted turkey laid on a platter before the hungry guests, the bird presented in all its mouthwatering crispy-skinned perfection.

Yet not every aspiring Thanksgiving-maker knows how to properly roast a turkey. The bird proves an utter mystery to some, resulting in many a holiday mishap of a culinary nature.

Luckily, those confounded by the fowl can access a great deal of help by calling a number of turkey preparation hotlines. While some offer only recorded tips on how to prepare and roast the bird, others provide live assistance from trained experts well experienced not only with poultry but with nervous and overwhelmed cooks. Over the years, these talk line mavens have fielded all manner of queries from those bewildered by the fickle bird.

One of the more unusual questions handled by Butterball’s Turkey Talk-Line (which the company has operated since 1981) comes from those who have mistaken a well-traveled joke for an actual recipe: They call to ask if they can pop popcorn in the turkey’s cavity during the roasting process. (The joke’s punch line is: "You know the turkey is done when the popcorn pops and blows the rear off the bird.") And no, you can’t.

The hotline has heard from a gal who couldn’t find the turkey she buried in a snowbank, a guy who wanted to know how to carve his bird with a chain saw, and a mechanic who worried about using motor oil as a baste.

Then there was the young mother who failed to notice her children playing near the oven-ready bird. The kids decided the turkey’s cavity was a good place to park toy cars. Their mom didn’t discover Ol’ Tom was doubling as a garage until after the turkey had been roasted.

Another confused cook called the Butterball line after cleaning her turkey because she wanted to know how to get the metal pieces out.

"Apparently," said one of the Butterball economists, "she had scrubbed her bird with a steel scouring pad." A West Coast woman who had taken anti-bacterial precautions too far called Butterball to find out how to get the bleach she’d used off her bird. Butterball turkey experts still talk about the Kentucky woman who called in 1993 to ask how to get her dog out of her turkey. It seems the woman’s Chihuahua had dived into the bird’s cavity and become trapped there. The woman tried pulling the pooch and shaking the bird, all to no avail. A Butterball economist finally suggested the woman carefully cut the opening in the turkey wider to release the captive canine.

The Reynolds Wrap Turkey Tips Line (800-745-4000) took a query from a woman who wanted to know if she could cook her turkey by placing it in a Reynolds Oven Bag, putting it in the window in the back of her car, and letting the heat from the sun bake the turkey. (She was told that would be an uncontrolled heat source and was instructed to use an oven instead.)

The folks at Butterball have also dealt with cooks determined to roast turkeys on the back ledges of their cars. And they’ve had people call to ask if they could cook their holiday birds on radiators. Then there was the bride who had a small, apartment-size range and was worried the turkey would get larger as it cooked (similar to a loaf of bread rising) — she was fretting she wouldn’t be able to get it out of the oven after it was done. Some other howlers include the woman who cleaned out her turkey with a scrub brush, people who thawed their turkeys in the bathtub while washing their kids, and a man looking for a quick way to cook his turkey who put it in the oven on the cleaning cycle.

There are those whose problems are not how to get the turkey out of the oven, but when. Said Nancy Rodriguez, coordinator of the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line in 1985, "One lady in Arkansas had her five-pound turkey in the oven 24 hours — did we think it was done? Another caller wanted to know the best method for reattaching the thighs and drumsticks when they fall off. His 12-pound turkey had been in the oven since 8 a.m. the day before."

The self-cleaning option offered on a number of ranges has caused its share of Thanksgiving troubles when confused cooks have inadvertently started its cycle while their birds were in the oven. Others have different range-related questions, such as: "Your directions say to roast the turkey, but my oven says only bake or broil; how do I set it?"

We’ll leave it to others to provide the more mundane advice regarding thawing and cooking times, how to prepare the bird for roasting and how to prepare stuffing, and instead offer these useful tips, as gleaned from the experiences of turkey hot line counselors:

Do not leave your turkey on your back porch, either to slow thaw it or to keep it chilled until the big day. Those who have failed to heed this advice have discovered themselves birdless on Thanksgiving morning. Their loss was the local raccoons’ gain — those masked marauders celebrated the day in fine style.

If you choose to bring home your frozen bird within the car proper rather than in the trunk, do take care to seatbelt the fowlsicle lest a sudden stop transform the star of the upcoming dinner into a weighty frozen projectile.

One woman who failed to belt down her bird was rewarded for her lack of foresight with a broken toe when a sharp tap of the brakes caused the iced fowl to slide off the seat and onto her foot.

KWIBS - From November 30, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Topeka, we have a problem...

The holiday season is supposed to be a time of thanksgiving and appreciation, but that's going to be difficult for Kansans.

Last week Kansas Gov. Mark Parkinson announced $259 million worth of spending cuts, reducing funds for highway maintenance and education to shore up a troubled state budget.

Parkinson made the cuts in response to a Nov. 5 revenue estimate that foretold a gap of $260 million between state revenues and approved expenditures. Parkinson said he could not promise there wouldn't be further cuts next spring when the next revenue forecast is given.

This is the 5th time reductions have been made to the state's budget and the second year in a row that Kansas has seen revenue declines. It is expected to last out to four years.

We're all going to feel this adjustment in ways that aren't going to be comfortable for us.

These cuts are now going to do severe harm to our public schools, community colleges and universities and the most vulnerable Kansans who are relying on state services to survive this economic downturn.

If you don't believe, take Governor Mark Parkinson's own words to heart, "As a result of these cuts, children’s classrooms will be overcrowded, creating an environment in which learning is a challenge for every student. Some districts will be forced to lay off teachers and close schools. The arts, athletics and extracurricular opportunities that make our schools and communities great may be a thing of the past."

But it's a business and has to operate like one, unless you are one like AIG who got billions of tax payer money to stay in business and shore up our financial institutions. Much of that money went to pay bonuses. There is so much fraud and mis-use of taxpayer money, you would think that they would build a special prison for those who have abused the system.

I'm appalled that some of this stimulus money can't be earmarked for our public school systems. It's something that is barely talked about.

It's nearly 8 months after a stimulus bill was signed by President Obama. I still wonder if that $787 billion was just a bunch of baloney.

Just a little over 10% of the stimulus money has been spent since being voted in. Of the $787.2 billion in American Recovery and Reinvestment Act funds, $499 billion is for stimulus projects, of which $157.8 billion has been made available and $56.3 billion has been spent. The biggest chunk, $22 billion, has been spent by states for Medicare and Medicaid payments.

If each state could get $1 billion of that stimulus money earmarked for "stimulus projects" and it were used to help our school systems, Kansas could balance their budget and have money left over to start funding programs that would stimulate our economy.

However, this $787 billion is all play money. We don't actually have the money that we're investing in this so called stimulus.

Government has just gotten too big and we're now in a cycle of spending more than we have and I wonder if we'll ever see the end of it.

Although I understand that cuts have to be made, I'm disappointed that we couldn't find them in other places. Education is just too important, and if our future is our children, and we're leaving them this incredible debt to shoulder, then I would think that education would be the last place we would cut.

On our opinion page by Governor Parkins. I wanted to share this with our readers. You can bet that in the coming months we're going to see some critical services and cuts to our most basic everyday lives. One of those cuts is going to greatly affect our schools - the backbone of our community.

We've taken a "bury our heads in the sand" attitude over the past year and have been pretty critical of our school board and superintendent for making cuts and preparing for the "worse case scenario". Well, it's now the worse case scenario and it's time to pull our heads out and put them together for solutions to save our community and our state.

KWIBS - From November 16, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Another Veterans Day celebration in Medicine Lodge has come and gone. This year's program, veterans museum and lunch with a veteran brought students, veterans and the community together.

I've heard it said many times over the past few weeks that this could be the last of the veterans museum due to low attendance. I hate to hear that and I did some investigating for myself.

At 9 a.m. there were 37 students and 14 adults. At 11:25 a.m. there were 65 students and 31 adults. My son Joey said there was a steady flow of people all morning long.

Mr. Hill and his Junior Class have been doing the museum for many years and I would encourage them to keep it up. It's an amazing service to the community and such a cool way to honor our veterans.

The program at the High School was incredible. We have always, for as long as I can remember, had Mrs. Hartley heading up the event. This year she's stepped down, but is still volunteering her services to the district's celebration. I commend her for building this event up and thank her for her tireless service to our veterans.

The student essays and poems were a great tribute to our men and women who have served our country. The music was great, the dedications and the slide show brought tears to many eyes in the audience. I spoke to one veteran who said, "I fought back tears when I looked around the room and saw my fellow veterans standing for their branch song."

This program and the museum have become such an important part of our community, I can't imagine a Veterans Day without them.

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From November 9, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

After spending a good amount of time researching and writing about the H1N1 flu last week, I ended up with it. I guess I got too close to my work....

Last weekend Dale and Michele McCurdy, former Medicine Lodge residents, took Ronda and I to see the Dallas Cowboys play the Seattle Seahawks in the brand new Cowboys' Stadium in Arlington, TX. On our way home, I began feeling funny, achy and tired. By Tuesday night I was running a fever of about 103 and ended up missing several days of work last week, thus the short column.

I'll stress it again. When the vaccine becomes available, I recommend getting it. In many ways this flu is the same as other seasonal flu, but if you can avoid it or prevent it from spreading to those with underlying health risks, please do so by getting vaccinated. I wish I could have been!

KWIBS - From November 2, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

The second wave of the swine flu pandemic is now under way in the northern hemisphere. Case numbers are climbing fast and in some places vaccination has begun.

So what's the big deal? The virus hasn't evolved into the monster that some feared and most cases are mild. Were all those pandemic warnings just scare-mongering?

The Merklein family of Kiowa, probably wouldn't say so. Just over a week ago, their daughter Lauren, 14, became sick and collapsed in her hotel room while on a school trip. She died in a hospital three days later. She had an underlying heart condition, but tested positive for H1N1.

Any flu virus provides a serious threat, especially to the very old, those with underlying medical conditions and the very young. While the swine flu is not MORE virulent than previous strains of influenza, our problem is that of May 2009 scientists had not had time to produce a vaccine. As a result the virus spread more quickly than with 'normal' strains, this is why the swine flu is referred to as pandemic - world-wide.

It is interesting to look at the Spanish flu of 1918. In countries such as USA and UK about 25% of the population were infected. Of those infected approximately 3% died. While the percentages are much lower than I would have guessed, nevertheless the flu caused a huge number of actual fatalities. Just in the USA alone there were 500,000.

There's a lot of talk that the vaccine is unsafe and untested. Myths and worries about the vaccine have spread on talk radio and anti-vaccine Web sites, but Dr. Thomas R. Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention seemed to debunk them in an interview with the NY Times.

While most people recover, he said, "on average, flu is not a ‘mild’ illness. It can make you pretty sick, knock you out for a day or two or three." And in rare cases, he emphasized, it kills.

He rejected suggestions that the new vaccine is untested. Its seed strain was created, grown and purified in the same slow way as seasonal flu shots, which hundreds of millions of people have had, and rapid clinical trials last month showed the same lack of serious side effects.

What about the vaccines? I've had heated discussion with family and friends who are convinced it's more dangerous to get a flu shot than to just let the flu run its natural course.

People's nervousness about swine flu vaccines is understandable. In 1976, after the death of a US army recruit triggered fears of a repeat of the deadly 1918 pandemic, around 48 million Americans were given a swine flu vaccine. Of these, 532 developed Guillain-Barré syndrome, a paralytic condition caused by rogue antibodies attacking nerve cells. Most people recover from Guillain-Barré, but not all; 25 died after 1976 and others suffered lasting damage. The 1976 vaccine caused around 10 cases per million vaccinated.

Does this mean it is safer not getting vaccinated? Absolutely not. First, there is the risk of swine flu killing you. Second, what few people know is that flu itself is far more likely to cause Guillain-Barré than any flu vaccine.

The risk of getting Guillain-Barré from a flu vaccine is almost certainly less than 1 in a million; the risk of getting it from flu itself is more than 40 in a million. Swine flu is estimated to have killed 800 people in the US already, or more than 2 in every million so far. And during the first wave of swine flu this summer, 1 out of every 20,000 children aged 4 or under in the US ended up in hospital. Still think it's safer not to get vaccinated?

So, you are probably wondering, did I get my swine flu shot? No, unfortunately, I don't fall into a category for qualifying for the shot since it is still in short supply. My pregnant daughter did and my youngest son got his shot last week.

I have asked to be notified when the vaccine is available and I meet the criteria to get one. I too have an underlying heart condition and had an MI (Myocardial infarction or heart attack) when I was just 35 years old. I have some scar tissue and have three stents, but am otherwise healthy.

My prayers go out for the Merklein family in their time of mourning and I encourage everyone to take the flu shot when it becomes available.

KWIBS - From October 26, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Next weekend is Halloween and I wanted in the worst way to dress in a hospital lab coat and go as Dr. Garcia, going door to door and making house calls, but I am going to be out of town.

So maybe, Dr. Garcia could dress in shorts and flip flops and go as the local newspaper publisher? It's easy for me to dress up like a doctor, but what does a normal newspaper publisher look like? I dont' know.....

I went to the hospital's disaster training event last Saturday and Dr. Garcia was there. We always joke around about looking alike. One of the program directors was handing out assignments to the personnel at the hospital. Each EMT, nurse or staff member was given an assignment and when they got to me, I just said, "I'm Dr. Garcia's stunt double."

Wednesday is my son Joey's birthday. He's turning 17!

Happy birthdy Joey!

KWIBS - From October 19, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

If you've ever been in a situation in which you've almost completed an important project, only to have your computer spontaneously crash seconds before hitting the "save" button, you understand how frustrating losing your data can be.

Now, imagine losing all your important files - everything from business files, to family photos, to your tax returns - permanently.

I can't stress the importance of backing up your files, but I can give you an example of why I am so thankful that I do.

Last weekend was the first weekend in about two years that I didn't do a complete backup of the newspaper on Saturday when the corrections were completed. I had to leave town and Doris finished up the paper. My plans were to do the back up and archives on Monday.

When I got back to town on Monday, I noticed my newspaper file was locked up, so I rebooted my PC. After restarting it, I attempted to open the file and it was corrupted. I had lost an entire digital issue of the newspaper. I've been electronically archiving since about 2005 and I have had a couple of issues that have become corrupted in that time.

Fortunately, I had the previous week backed up and only lost about 4-5 ads that were built last week. Our stories and photos are located on separate drives, so they were safe. I opened the previous week's file and rebuilt this week's newspaper. Thankfully, the crash happened after the newspaper had already been printed. It was a mild inconvenience to rebuild the pages, but it could have been a disaster without a recent back up.

There are many devices that can be used for backing up files. CDROMs, zip drives, tape drives, DVDs and my favorite - the flash drive. These little sticks of memory can be purchased for as little as $5 at electronic stores. I have a couple of them and frequently back up my important data, especially my family photos. If you don't have one, you should get one. And if you aren't backing up your files frequently, you should be.

We put an enormous amount of faith in computers to store our information. It only takes a simple flicker of electricity to destroy a day, a week, a month or even a lifetime of information.

What's worse, the modern computer is ever more vulnerable to the imminent threats multiplying on the Internet - everything from adware, to spyware, to viruses.

I don't care how much antivirus software you are running, if you are on the internet, you are vulnerable. Backing your files up is the only safe and sure way that your data will be protected.

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We took a trip to KC last week and took our boys to see the KC Chiefs vs. Dallas Cowboys game on Sunday. It was Nicholas's first professional football game.

Nick is 11 and we watch football on TV every Sunday afternoon. He was pretty excited to be at a live event with so many people. Arrowhead Stadium is a pretty loud, and intimidating place to be and he was overwhelmed with the excitement. The game went in to overtime and ended with the Cowboys walking away with a 26-20 win over the Chiefs.

We were there in our Dallas Cowboy's jerseys. Sorry goes out to you Chiefs fans. For a while it looked like the Cowboys were going to break the Chief's losing streak. We thought we were going to have to take the walk of shame to our vehicle. I was glad that the game was close, but happier that Dallas won.

As we were leaving the stadium Nicholas was still beaming from the event and asked, "Dad, who plays next?"

I responded, "Where?"

He said, "Here!"

We all started laughing and told him the game was over and that it was time to go home.

He is so used to seeing the next game come on TV that he thought there was another game being played right after the Chiefs vs. Cowboys game. When we explained that other teams play at other stadiums he seemed a little disappointed that we weren't staying for another game. It was 35 degrees outside. I'm not sure my toes could have taken another game!

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From October 12, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

I’d like to thank all of the folks who put on Octoberfest this year. In past years, I have been unable to attend any of the events because the weekend always fell on my and my daughter’s birthday and we always had plans ahead of time. This year, I was home and ran around taking some snapshots of the events.

It was well organized and looked well attended. I have no reference to past years, but I thought the crowds looked good and it appeared that people were really enjoying themselves.

This same group of people were also responsible for decorating around our community for the fall season and I thought things looked very inviting for people who came from out of town, and there were several who did travel. I met folks from Kiowa, Manchester, OK and Pratt as I roamed around town.

So, Thanks Octoberfest people! You know who you are!

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Last weekend, I was wearing sandals, a t-shirt and shorts. Today I am wearing a sweatshirt, tubesocks and a stocking cap. That’s the kind of weather mood-swings you expect from living in Kansas though.

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From October 5, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Well, a very important milestone occurred in my life over the weekend. I turned 40. 14,600 days have passed since my birth....

It sort of crept up on me with little warning and then BAM! I was 40.

I started to panic a little bit about the new age bracket. My 20s were spent being in a band, having children, publishing a newspaper, riding Harleys, getting tattoos and being a little on the wild side.

My 30s were spent being in a band, getting tattoos, publishing a newspaper, mowing the lawn, SCUBA diving, gardening and raising my kids and graduating my oldest from high school.

I know that, God willing, my 40s are going to be spent publishing a newspaper, seeing my two boys graduate from high school, gardening and welcoming my first grandchild into the world in January. I'm pretty sure I am done with tattooing, I've given up my Harley for a ZTR lawn mower, I can't afford to go SCUBA diving anymore and I really am probably too old to be in a band.

It appears that I have grown up! Ha... you only wish.

As I reflected on this, I realized the importance of keeping a journal. It's something we've discussed in our mens' group from church and the more I thought about it, the more important it became to me.

A year ago my dad was diagnosed with alzheimer's. He's pretty good at remembering most things, but there are times he struggles for the words, names and endings for stories and memories. This illness gives me personal motivation to keeping a journal.

So for one week now, I've kept a journal. I am 40 years old and just starting, but I've been cheating for years. I've written a column of some sort or fashion for the past 20 years called KWIBS. It may have only been a once-a-week entry, but it gives some idea of my thought process and things that have been important to me over the last half of my life.

So when I started on September 27, 2009, I had no idea what to write, so I pondered my day and made my first entry. It was only a few paragraphs long, but it detailed friends Dale and Michele McCurdy coming to see me for my 40th birthday. My wife set the whole thing up and it was "mostly" a surprise. I sort of figured out what was going on the day they arrived, but I'm like that. Ronda hates going to see movies with me because I'm always figuring out the endings. I'm a walking movie spoiler....

Later in the week it got easier to make journal entries. I just set a time in the evening after everyone went to bed to type out a few paragraphs about my day and my thoughts.

This one was kind of funny: Tuesday, September 29, 2009. "Ronda and I went out on the deck to drink a glass of wine. I was filling up the hot tub and a moth flew out and got in Ronda's hair. She jumped spilling her wine all over the deck and I hosed it off. She went back inside to finish her wine."

I guess my journal will contain whatever I want to write about - The beauty of the half moon I saw last night, my concerns and hopes for my children, my wife throwing wine across the deck and screaming when a moth got in her hair - whatever is on my mind.

So, I'll add journaling to my list of things I'm doing while in my 40s and I hope to continue that routine for quite a while. It will be something to look forward to along with retirement, AARP benefits, Social Security, the point where my kids stop asking me for money and grand kids start asking me for money.....

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It wasn't just an important milestone for me this weekend. It was also one for my daughter Breeann. Breeann turned 20 years old on Saturday. She's exactly 20 years younger than me by just a few ticks of the clock. She'll only be half my age for this one year of her life and mine. It will be the last time I can say, "I'm twice your age!"

I smile as I write this, thinking about all she'll experience in her 20s, 30s and beyond. I love you sissy. Happy belated birthday to you.

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One more milestone to talk about.... The Gyp Hill Premiere just printed its 1000th issue two weeks ago. That means over 1,000,000 copies printed. I meant to mention it, but the week it happened I was short on space. It's kind of cool that it happened near my 40th birthday. Also, it's National Newspaper Week!

KWIBS - From September 28, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

A school bus carrying a Texas high school swim team slid off a road and into a pond on Monday of last week.

The swim team coach, eighteen students and the driver were able to get out of the bus and swim to safety.

If any of the students were unable to swim to safety, I think you could safely say that it would have been one sorry swim team!

The driver and five students were transported to local hospitals with minor injuries.

Last week ten very courageous Junior Indians took the field against the Douglass Bulldogs who were twenty-nine boys deep. We no longer have enough players for an eleven-man team and from what I understand, we're playing the season - forfeiting our games because of the small number of players out for football this year.

The Indians even resorted to playing eight-man football last week at home, on an 11-man field, adding to their exhaustion. Our Indians are playing with heart, but even the best conditioned team can't take four quarters without rotating players and they get worn down.

So, even though they didn't win their game, they're all winners in our eyes and the Indians and Coaches Cannon and Fischer are to be commended for the effort they are putting out this season.

Keep fighting Indians! We're proud of you!

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From September 14, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

So what, the President wanted to speak to our kids and encourage them to be good students and good citizens. I'm sure many would have been more upset if he'd told them to drop out of school and rebel against the government. You just can't win.

If the Democrats remember, they too had a problem with the President speaking to school children. President George Bush, Sr., took heat from a similar speech on October 1, 1991, from Alice Deal Junior High School in Washington DC. Democrats, then the majority party in Congress, not only denounced Bush's speech -- they also ordered the General Accounting Office to investigate its production and later summoned top Bush administration officials to Capitol Hill for an extensive hearing on the issue.

Sadly both Presidents just wanted to address and encourage school children. I don't think there were any hideous agendas involved.

I did have some fun with it even though our school did not participate in the event. Across America, many schools carried the President's address and 6th graders were asked, "What has the President inspired you to do?"

My youngest son Nicholas is a 6th grader and I had prepped him all week with what I thought would be a really witty answer to his teacher's question. He was to answer, "Vote Republican," but sadly my brainwashing was all for naught. Ha!

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It will forever be known as "stinky day" in our home - the first Monday in September, renamed from the ever popular Labor Day.

Normally a day full of good smells like hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill, this Labor Day started out with the fresh smell of dog poop.

Yes, at 7 a.m. Monday morning, I woke up to the sounds of my wife screaming another word for "poop". I got up to find the largest dog turds I've ever seen indoors, lying neatly in a pile in front of my bedroom door.

For clarification, we don't have an indoor dog. However on this day, in my living room was my 80 lb. German Shepherd who had the look of, "who me?" on his face.

If he could talk, he would have said, "Good morning mom and dad. I couldn't find the coffee or the filters, so I just took a crap in front of your bedroom door."

Our garage door was wide open and inside were three bags of trash spread out in what appeared to be his Labor Day celebration.

Rewinding the day....

Our dog sleeps in the garage so that we don't have to listen to him howl all night long. We had produced several bags of trash during the holiday weekend, which we placed in the garage so that the raccoons didn't get into it..... The night before, Hyde had taken out his share of food from the day's events and left a little bit of a mess. I picked everything up and scolded him. Hyde will only get into a trash sack if the bag is untied. He will not tear open a sack. He just knows better. So I can't really blame him for the night before.

As I put him away on Sunday I told him, "Don't you dare get into this trash." He looked at me and went into his crate and laid down.

Later Sunday evening my oldest son Joey came home with friends in tow at around 11:30 p.m. I was up watching TV. I had locked the front door because the bugs were gathered for their Labor Day celebration and I didn't want them moving their party into my living room. Joey knew to come in the garage door.

Last one in, shut the door. Somebody missed that one. The door between our home and the garage was left wide open and sometime in the middle of the night, Hyde came in and made himself at home. Apparently, no one had showed him where the bathroom was so he just took a stab that in front of our bedroom door was the place to go. So we spent the better part of Monday morning cleaning up dog poop. And if you have ever had an 80lb German Shepherd go #2 in your house, you can relate to the smell it made.

I also forgot to tie the bags of trash in the garage, so I cleaned that up too... again. That didn't smell very good either.

KWIBS - From August 31, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Even though other schools in the area started school as long as two weeks ago, it just seems strange that the summer break is over and it's time for our kids to start learning something again.

Like most parents, Ronda and I enjoyed the extra two weeks vacation, but we are ready for our kids to be back in school and out of our house! lol...

Classes for USD#254 begin on Wednesday. There are several new faces in our district, new classes at different buildings and many adjustments to make with the 2009-2010 school year.

I'd like to take a moment to welcome Dick Wood, chemistry and biology teacher at MLHS, Pete Jelovic, new MLHS football coach and P.E. teacher and Lindsey Ritchie, music and band teacher at MLGS.

It will be challenging for the faculty and staff of both buildings with the recent consolidations, but I have the utmost confidence in them.

I am sending out an SOS here. We don't have a sports writer to cover for MLHS football at present. I believe we're lined up for MLJH football, and MLHS volleyball and cross country. I'm looking for a parent or anyone that goes to the football games that would be interested in writing up the articles. We have an excellent photographer, Daryl Musgrove, but we've just run out of ideas on a sports writer. If you are interested in doing this, please contact our office at 620-886-5654. We love giving the kids the coverage and we know you love reading it! Thanks in advance for your help!

and.... GO INDIANS! Have a great school year!

and Have a great week!

KWIBS - From August 24, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Occasionally, I've been known to be somewhat opinionated. Correction. My wife just caught that typo and I've been told that I have been known to be VERY opinionated.

My recent rants on the hospital bond situation have left some of my readers asking, "What happened to Kevin's funny columns?"

It's hard to be funny when you are being passionate about the future of your community. Yes, I believe this issue could be a factor in our future success or our future demise. We have to do something. We need to do something and it needs to be sooner, than later.

But I'll give it a little bit of a rest this week to talk to you all about body hair. Yes, body hair. My wife is groaning right now and she's pulled out her red "edit" pen.

I'm not going to get [too] disgusting, I just want to talk mainly about how cool it is to be a guy and have the option of rearranging his own face (for once) and changing appearances by simply growing a beard or a mustache.

Women don't have that luxury, thank God, of simply letting some hair grow on their chin to make them look more distinguished.

My oldest son Joey recently began his 3 month process of growing just enough hair on his chin to be noticed. I only noticed because I was like three inches from his face one day. Sometimes you have to get that close when speaking to your teenagers.

"What's that on your chin," I asked?

"That's my stache," he said proudly.

I'm going to call it his weird beard. Joey thinks it makes him look older, but he's not fooling me. He told me I was just jealous, so I ripped open my shirt and did my best Chewbacca impersonation and said, "grow hair like this and I'll be impressed!"

To which he said, "Oooo, gross dad."

Yeah, so it's 2009 now and chest hair isn't as popular as it was in 1979, but hey, I was only 9-years-old then and couldn't grow hair yet. It figures that chest hair would be out of style by the time I could grow it.

If I only had a time machine......

Joey tried to make out beard-growing to be some awesome feat. Just about anyone with testosterone can do it....

Ladies, please don't try this at home. You and your significant other will not be pleased with the results.

Here is how to grow a beard. On Day 1, do nothing. On Day 2, do nothing again. On Day 3, continue to do nothing. On Day 4, check to make sure that nothing was still being done. Then simply repeat the cycle.

I can remember my first beard. I was twenty, with long flowing hair. It only seemed natural to grow a beard. Truth be told, I did this four-day nothing cycle more by accident while working on my secret identity in the witness protection program, also known as Peace Treaty. Before I knew it, I had the foundation of a growing beard.

Later in life, I shaved it off only to frighten my children to the point they wouldn't have anything to do with me. Over time they accepted that I was their father.

A few years back, I regrew just a Fu Manchu to hide a double chin I was working on at the same time. Now I just have it because it's a part of me that people recognize it, sort of like a trademark. It's like my very own Nike swoosh.

It's weird how hair works for a guy. We are born, many of us bald. We grow some hair on our heads, (then hair grows in *uh-hum* another region), then on our chins, later on our chests. Then some of us start losing the hair on our heads, growing some on our backs, rear ends, toes, fingers and out the ears and our nose!

Life is so cruel.

So in a way Joey and I are both starting hair growing points in our lives, only on opposite ends of the hair growing spectrum.

I have a friend who has a sweet mustache. It was his birthday this weekend. Justin Rugg turned 34 and his mustache turned 30.

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From August 17, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

"My mind is already made up so don't confuse me with the facts". - unknown

That quote really stuck with me this past week as I pondered the hospitals' situation.

Friday's commissioners' meeting was far less hostile than the last one and some light appeared that could signal some cooperation between the commissioners and the hospital boards.

And ABC's General Hospital could write a few scripts from our current situation.

The plot:

- A county wide vote in favor of new hospital facilities.

- The commissioners appoint a Public Building Commission whose job was fact finding in nature.

- Thousands of dollars of tax-payer money is spent at the request of the commissioners to guarantee that the price is right.

- This Public Building Commission recommends it and sends it to the commissioners.

- The commissioners do nothing with it.

- Outrage in the communities sets in.

- One of the hospital's administrator is abruptly fired.

- Everyone comes back to the table peacefully. For now....

You just can't make this stuff up. Tune in next week.

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A headline you won't read in this week's Premiere that is a true story. "Lightning victim's pool party and fundraiser rescheduled due to lighting."

It's true. Dakota Lonker's pool party fundraiser was rescheduled after lightning moved in last Monday night.

KWIBS - From August 10, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Last week was one of the most stressful weeks I have ever had as a newspaper publisher.

Sadly, my lead story as of Monday was the passing of Bev McCollom. Bev passed away Sunday evening, too late for the Monday edition that was already at the press.

Bev was a dear friend to me and to The Gyp Hill Premiere. She was also a friend to so many others in our community. Her son Jerry told me that even in her final days, she requested a laptop so she could get a Meandering done for the paper.

Bev's death marks a sad chapter in our community's historical and colorful past. She was good enough to document so much history for us in her lifetime.

Bev wrote Meandering for my grandfather, my uncle, my dad and for me. Her column was a highlight every week for me and many of my readers have expressed their sadness that Meandering will no longer be on the back page.

But Bev's story, as important and worthy of front page recognition as it was, was bumped lower on the fold for a shocking story of survival when Dakota Lonker was struck by lightning during a freak storm later that afternoon.

Incredibly, Dakota survived and is now home healing up from what many are calling a miracle. We're glad to hear that he is doing well!

But before the week ended, even Dakota moved below the fold after the county commissioners met Thursday.

Many shell-shocked folks are left wondering the fate of a bond issue passed last November. A lot of people spoke to me about letters to the editor, but in the end only two wrote in. Others wanted to, but want to take a "wait and see" approach.

So, what about the vote? What about the public building commission's vote? What about the taxpayer and hospital money spent so far in what seems to be a waste? What about the needs of our health facilities?

These are all issues that will have to be addressed, sooner than later. We have a vote to form a public building commission. One has been formed and that commission recommended moving forward.

August 14, 2009 the commissioners will meet again for a public hearing on the budget. Some folks have expressed their desire to attend this meeting, but one wonders what good that will do.

I can tell you with little doubt that name calling and yelling at the commissioners will do little to no good. Cooler heads must prevail. You can have a difference of opinion and not turn it into a screaming match.

Some of the most ridiculous statements I have heard this week have come from people outside of our community through KAKE TV's website.

Here's one: Why don't you spend the money on a Life Flight helicopter with crew. That way you can transport those people with critical emergencies to the Pratt medical center which is only about 22 miles away.

Folks, nobody knows better the needs of Barber County than her residents. That includes: other county commissioners or other clerks, other health care professionals or anybody else outside this county. We're unique (not to be confused with eunuch, just a little humor to lighten the mood) in the respect that we have population spread out through our entire county and not congested into one urban setting. We also have good oil and land evaluations.

There are good things going for this county, but we have to seize the day! Carpe diem!

Our declining population is of our own doing. We're simply not giving anyone any reason to come here or to stay here.

Doing nothing at all just isn't an option or in the best interest of the citizens of the county anymore.

I'll be the first to admit I was pretty angry at the outcome of last week's commissioners' meeting. I still believe the voters are owed an explanation and a satisfactory outcome to their vote.

I also still believe democracy took a bad beating here in our county and I hope I am proven incorrect in my assessment last week that democracy is a sham here.

KWIBS - From August 3, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

It's an arrogance that you would normally see in some far away country without democracy.... and a short leader with crazy hair.

The majority and the will of Barber County voters was denied on Friday by three county commissioners who had their own agenda in mind when it came to the construction and funding of two hospitals in Barber County.

That agenda seems to be unclear. They project gloom and doom for Barber County with declining population and a national economy with no hope of recovery in site. They predict a national health care reform that will wreck funding for our local hospitals. They are sure they are acting in the best interest of the voters and taxpayers of this county, no matter how we voted.

Never mind that two separate hospital boards and steering committees spent more than two years planning out the needs of each of their respective community's needs for a hospital.

Never mind that these professionals know the business of providing health care and know the requirements to ensure code is met in their facilities.

Never mind the needs of each hospital facility or the needs of health care recipients of Barber County.

Never mind that interest rates are at an all time low.

Never mind that construction costs are at an all time low.

Never mind that a project like this could boost both Kiowa's and Medicine Lodge's economies for 18-24 months and attract more professionals to our communities.

Never mind that the vote in November of 2008 was won 52-48%.

Never mind that our hospitals, in good faith, followed the requests of the commissioners and the Public Building Commission and spent 10s of thousands of dollars getting a guaranteed maximum price from builders.

Never mind that the guaranteed maximum price came in slightly under budget with over runs built in for safety.

Never mind that a Public Building Commission recommended it to the Barber County Commissioners on a 5-2 vote.

People of Barber County, none of this mattered. None of you mattered.

Mr. Garten, Mr. Thomas and Mr. Harbaugh all told me that they do not support this project.

"All along, we as commissioners have had the final say so and individually and as a group, we have chosen not to proceed," stated Garten. "I personally was not willing to vote for two new hospitals in this size of county."

Never mind that a majority of tax payers were willing.

It's not up to them. It's up to three men, elected by a majority of voters.

There is no way to begin calculating the wasted money and man hours that have gone into this project to see it succeed for our hospitals and then ultimately to be shot down by three men.

But they didn't even get that satisfaction. No, there was no vote - simply silence. No record of their real intentions to be recorded in our minutes for all generations to see.

They say there was no agenda, that each of them looked at this with an open mind, but in the end, the evidence speaks clearly as to their intentions. I don't believe they ever expected our communities to pass this. I don't think they ever expected their appointed Public Building Commission to recommend it.

In the end their choices were to pass it, vote it down or simply do nothing.

They did nothing.

Friday, more than 100 people showed up to support the hospitals and many people including Dr. Meador and local Pharmacist John Hagood, spoke in support of the hospital and issuing of bonds, but in the end, Commissioner Mike Thomas motioned to adjourn. Commissioner Paul Harbaugh left abruptly. Commissioner Mike Thomas slipped out quietly and Commissioner Garten faced a crowd of angered and confused taxpayers, voters and hospital employees.

Garten said he would like to see the two communities come together and build one hospital. He already has gotten one of his wishes: The two communities have come together.

Democracy is a sham in Barber County.

KWIBS - From July 20, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

I am a nerd.

I humbly embrace this now, and I'm happier for it.

It was only recently that I came out of the "nerd" closet. I've always had a deep affection for science, technology, a short love-affair in my youth for "Dungeons and Dragons". I have the eyeglasses for the nerd look too.

My fascination with the series "Star Trek" is my biggest nerd claim to fame. I've been a fan of the series since I was old enough to watch TV. Now I DVR every episode.

I can form a compelling argument on why TNG is better than DS9 (that's Star Trek for: The Next Generation and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine for all you other "nerd" people).

Years ago, I dragged my wife and brother-in-law to Wichita to a Star Trek convention. It was awesome. Or at least I thought it was.

There were nerds everywhere and I could have been their king, except for the fact I was the only one not dressed as a Klingon or Vulcan (besides my wife and brother-in-law).

My son Joey is following close in my footsteps. He even wears a shirt that says "Dork" on it. He's not ashamed of his video game addiction, nerdy glasses or the often "pants are too short" moments he has had after a recent growth spurt. Joey's dream car is his 1974 AMC Gremlin. It's parked in the driveway waiting for its day of restoration.

And yes... I have a few Star Trek dolls. I also have the Bionic Man and the Bionic Women (who used to be my girlfriend back in the early 80s, but she didn't know it.) I still have some of my Star Wars characters too.

I love the SciFi Channel! There, I said it. That was very liberating for me.

Who cares if I am a nerd? So, what if I like science fiction movies and TV shows and still play with dolls? I contradict that by sucking at math and by being married and not living in my parents' basement.

I say all this because Seth Oldham was anxious to get away from work and to get out of town last Tuesday. The premiere of the new Harry Potter movie was happening at midnight in Wichita. He says he wasn't going in costume, but it still didn't stop me from pointing out that he too was a nerd.

Yes, Seth is a nerd, or in his case a "Dumbledork". It actually could be the reason that I like this kid.

Live long and prosper....

KWIBS - From July 13, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Would the real Dr. Ruben Garcia please stand up?

This is the chorus line to a song written by Foreigner in 1978. I don't have any idea what it means, but I was singing it all day on Wednesday of last week.

The saying goes, "everyone has a twin somewhere in the world - an identical match." Very few ever meet their "double".

I was sure if I had a twin, it would be the "evil twin". Or maybe I was the evil twin. Who knows?

Several months ago, I ran into Dr. Ransom inside the fitness center. He said, "I met your twin brother today. He's going to be the new doctor at the hospital."

Later in the day, a call came from Kevin White, Medicine Lodge Memorial Hospital Administrator. He called to tell me they were hiring a new doctor who had a striking resemblance to me.

That night, Dr. Pete Meador called to tell me that he met the new doctor and he looked just like me. It went on and on for days.

I didn't think there was any way this guy could look like me. First off, he was of Cuban descent. I don't look Cuban, do I?

Months passed and I seldom gave it another thought until, my phone rang on Tuesday. It was Jeff Clarke.

"Dude, I met the new doctor and you guys could be twins," he laughed.

It's an age-old belief with a strange appeal that somewhere on this planet, alive today, is someone who looks like you -- maybe not precisely, but close enough to be your double.

It can be fascinating to imagine. But not everyone is ready to encounter an unexpected twin.

As was the case on Wednesday morning. I was sitting in my office, catching up on work, when I heard footsteps approaching my office. I turned to see who it was and my jaw hit the floor.

"You must be Doctor Ruben Garcia," I laughed.

I thought I was looking into a mirror.

Ruben came in and sat down. It was like a strange family reunion from a separation at birth that probably never happened.

I say probably, but as our introduction went on for nearly two hours, I was wondering if interrogating my parents might be a prudent thing to do!

We decided to go to lunch at Subway. The fun had just begun. In the line, one of the girls making our sandwiches asked me, "Oh, Kevin, is this your brother?"

We both just laughed.

I asked Ruben what he liked to do for fun, what his hobbies were. He likes to SCUBA.... I have been into SCUBA for about 10 years now. This was just too freaky!

On our way out the door, I ran into a lady from Pratt I knew and she did a double take, asking us the same question, "Kevin, is this a family member you've never introduced me to?"

We left Subway and drove back to the office. I pulled behind in the alley and we talked for a few minutes.

Down the alley came my wife looking for a place to park. She saw we were in the vehicle and she pulled up - her mouth wide open....

She too had heard that the new doctor held some shared quality features with me, but she had no idea.

Ruben told me a story about him going in to Home Lumber earlier in the week. A customer in the store struck up a conversation with him. He thought it was odd because the customer was asking him personal questions about his daughter. He even asked if she was getting big! My daughter is pregnant. Ruben's daughter is 4 years old!

I can say in my 39 years of life on this planet, I've never sat across from someone and studied them as hard as I did Ruben on Wednesday. I think he did the same.

As we visited I wondered if looking like me would be a good thing or bad thing for Ruben. I think I definitely have the advantage here. Who wouldn't want to look like a doctor?

We shared a few laughs and took a few pictures that I immediately sent to family and friends. I have to admit, that Ruben is a handsome devil (if he were my evil twin of course).

I encourage everyone to welcome Ruben and his family to town and see for yourself how much we look alike!

Ruben begins his practice on Wednesday at The Medicine Lodge Memorial Hospital.

You never know, it might be me giving you your next exam.....

KWIBS - From June 29, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Here's the biggest "boo-hoo" I've heard for quite some time.

Oklahoma City bombing conspirator Terry Nichols is asking for a court-appointed lawyer to help him with a lawsuit complaining about the food he gets in prison.

Nichols claims in his suit that the federal Supermax prison in Colorado is causing him to "sin against God" because he doesn't get enough whole grains and fresh food.

Nichols asked for the legal aid in a document addressed to a federal judge in Denver on Monday.

According to the Associated Press, Amy Padden of the U.S. Attorney's Office in Denver did not immediately respond to a call seeking comment Tuesday about the suit Nichols filed in March.

Nichols is serving life for conspiracy and involuntary manslaughter in the 1995 federal building bombing that killed 168 people. Timothy McVeigh was convicted of murder and executed.

You can only imagine how sorry I feel for Mr. Nichols and how I hope God forgives us for not giving him enough whole grains. The poor guy must be constipated something terrible.

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Tuesday night, family and friends gathered to say thanks, share a story and honor Max and Gail Ferguson for their many years of friendship and service to our community. The Fergusons will be making their new home in Derby, KS.

As long as I can remember, Max and Gail have been a part of our community. As much as I hate to see them leave, I know they'll always be a part of our town.

Max was a young school teacher when I was in 7th grade. I believe he had been teaching there for about 7 years. John Nixon had him as a teacher his first year in Medicine Lodge back in the mid-70s. That really dates him!

Gail blossomed into one of the best preschool teachers of all times right around the time that my oldest child (Breeann) started school. Each one of my kids attended her preschool and each one of them remember her as one of their most favorite teachers growing up.

Medicine Lodge's loss will be Derby's gain. We'll miss you guys and we appreciate everything you've done for us, our children and our community. Good luck and God Bless!

KWIBS - From June 22, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

You might take note of the volume number change on the front page of this week's Premiere. We turned 18 years old today!.

We're old enough to vote!

I remember the very first issue of the Gyp Hill Premiere back in 1991. It had a story about Rick Pyle's bee hive inside his apartment window. It also had a story about Ronda and I starting the paper. We had our beginnings in the old Palmer Floral building on West Washington.

Back then it was just me and Ronda and my daughter Breeann. She was just 1 year old at the time. We had a couple of stringers to write for us. Now we have Joey and Nicholas. We're also expecting our first grandchild in December.

Time flies when you are having fun and we have had fun. In the 18 years since we've been in business, some familiar names have helped us over the years and been a part of our staff: Tate Henke, Cathy Bergner, Jim Emrick, Justin Howlett, David Fasgold, Deana Horn, Doris Sorg, Gimmy Jo (Maize) Rose, Seth Oldham, Casey Long, Deb Kolb, Deb VanRanken, Sharon Bishop, Jenny (Dafforn) Howard, Billy Eliot, Justin Fluke, Chris and Gabe Goering, BlackFoot Willie (cartoonist and illustrator), Joyce Noland (our typesetter and proofreader and mother....), Mandy (Walker) Brozek, Justin Jacobs, Ellis Mayfield (our driver), Rose Mary Shoemaker (fill in proofreader), Barb Keltner (fill in proofreader), Bev McCollom (who writes Meandering), Jason Offutt (who writes As I was saying...), Joe Klock (who writes Like Klockwork), Ellen Knowls Bisson (who writes Bygone Barber County Bylines), John Nixon (who gives us old photos to print from time to time).

There are numerous more columnists and guest columnists that have been a big part of our success over the years. It's about impossible to name them all, but you have our thanks.

Not everyone can say they have a rewarding job that they look forward to doing every day (and there are some days that I struggle). For the most part, this is a great job and it is rewarding to be a part of a great community. So happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us.... you know the rest of the song.

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I was at the grocery store the other day and saw a can of Pringles and thought to myself, "Did the Pringles can come before or after the tennis ball can?"

Because it either went like this: "You can fit Tennis Balls in this Pringles can," or "You can fit potato chips inside this Tennis Ball can." It had to be one or the other.

According to the internet, Dr. Fredric J. Baur was so proud of having designed the container for Pringles... that he asked his family to bury him in one. His children honored his request. Part of his remains was buried in a Pringles can — along with a regular urn containing the rest... Dr. Baur, a retired organic chemist and food storage technician who specialized in research and development and quality control for Procter & Gamble, died May 4 at 89... He developed many products, including frying oils and a freeze-dried ice cream, for P&G... But the Pringles can was his proudest accomplishment, his daughter said. He received a patent for the package as well as the method of packaging Pringles in 1970.

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Our band, Dorfus CrackTractor, successfully pulled off a reunion show at Mike's Sports Bar on Saturday, June 13, 2009. We "sold out" and "firemarshaled" the joint as one might say.

I can't thank Mike enough for hosting us and to all the people who came out to see us. It was a blast. We'll see you again in a couple of years.

David Fasgold was back in town for our show. We practiced a few songs the night before in the back of the newspaper office. I was surprised at how well we remembered the songs we used to play.

David roamed around the office looking at how things had changed, and how things hadn't changed. He walked into my office and said, "I see you are keeping things exactly as I left them two years ago," referring to my messy office.....

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This week we say "farewell" or "Zai Jain" to our AFS student Frank (Wang Haiji) from China. We'll be taking a little trip down the Illinois River together this weekend as a send off. If all goes well for Frank, he'll get a student visa and be studying at Washburn University in Topeka in the fall of this year.

We'll miss you Frank.

KWIBS - From June 15, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Father's Day is coming up this Sunday and I was thinking about the joys and struggles associated with fatherhood.

"Father" is one of those titles that demands respect, but often gets much less. I remember that I was far from the perfect child growing up. I know I gave my father grief.

Now that I am a father (of 19 years now), I realize that you take the good with the bad and you try your best in every situation to, as the song goes, "teach your children well."

Most ot the time I probably come off sounding like I am nagging and ragging on my kids, but I my hope is that they will learn, not only from their mistakes, but mine as well.

Father's Day is a day to honor your dad. The idea for creating a day for children to honor their fathers began in Spokane, Washington. A woman by the name of Sonora Smart Dodd thought of the idea for Father's Day while listening to a Mother's Day sermon in 1909.

Having been raised by her father, William Jackson Smart, after her mother died, Sonora wanted her father to know how special he was to her. It was her father that made all the parental sacrifices and was, in the eyes of his daughter, a courageous, selfless, and loving man. Sonora's father was born in June, so she chose to hold the first Father's Day celebration in Spokane, Washington on the 19th of June, 1910.

In 1926, a National Father's Day Committee was formed in New York City. Father's Day was recognized by a Joint Resolution of Congress in 1956. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the third Sunday of June. So Father's Day was born in memory and gratitude by a daughter who thought that her father and all good fathers should be honored with a special day just like we honor our mothers on Mother's Day.

Today nearly 100 years have elapsed since the first father's Day was celebrated. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE."

With fatherhood comes the right of passage to use phrases like, "Shut the lights off. Do you pay the electricity bill around here?"

Here's some things you'll never hear your father say.

- Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

- You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

- I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

- Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

- What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

- Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

- Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

- No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

- Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend!

I hope all of you fathers have a special Father's Day!

KWIBS - From June 8, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

I was thinking about the upcoming Father's Day weekend and what Father's Day meant to me. Surprisingly, I wasn't thinking about getting cards from my kids or a great gift. I was thinking about what an honor it is to be a father in this day and age. Many children in our country and in our own community grow up without a fatherly figure in their lives. Even though my parents were divorced when I was very young, I had both my mom and my dad close by.

My life is different now and my children's lives are much different that my own growing up. My wife and I are coming up on 21 years of marriage. I don't know that I have so much "blessed" my children by being their

parent as they are being my children. Father's Day is a great day to celebrate dads everywhere, but I feel my focus should be on my kids right now and I want to honor them with my column this week.

Starting with my oldest to my youngest and then including my son "Frank" who will be leaving us at the end of this month to return to his home in China:

My daughter Breeann is 19 years old and just finished her first year of college at Pratt Community College. She's studying to be an elementary school teacher. She's found out that life is not as easy as she had hoped for. School is tough and she recently learned that she is pregnant. Our family doesn't see this as a failure, but a blessing. We're excited to be welcoming a new member to our family and we're happy to welcome her boyfriend Devin Schafer to our family. He wants to be a good father and provider for her and we're all here to support them and encourage them in this time of change in their lives. Breeann and Devin have recently moved back to Medicine Lodge and we're happy to have them back in our community. Without trying to embarrass Devin, I would like to say he would love to find a job in our community and if you hear of anything, please let me know so I can pass it along to him. He currently commutes back and forth to Pratt.

I'm very blessed to have two sons to carry on my family name.

For the past few days last week, Joey has been working very hard at getting his certification to become a lifeguard at the pool. He and several other kids have been driving to Alva for three days straight to literally swim until they puke, as one student did. Joey learned how hard and what an awesome responsibility it is to be American Red Cross Certified in life saving as a life guard and I am so proud of him. Joey is 16 now. He is really growing into a fine young man. He had a great school year and made good grades and we are hoping he carries this attitude to his junior and senior years at MLHS. Joey has a good work ethic. He's a kind young man who tries to make friends wherever he goes. Joey recently went to Mexico with a group of kids and adults from the Methodist Church and helped build a home for a pastor and his family.

Nicholas is also turning into a little man. Even though he is only 11, Nick has been helping me in the yard by carrying bricks and doing some landscaping. Nick is growing faster than anyone in our family, shooting up a few inches in a short period of time and outgrowing many pairs of pants in the past few months! I'm loving his sense of humor. When not sarcastic, Nicholas is a sharp witted character who never misses an opportunity to make a good joke. Nicholas is very creative and passionate about his interests and he's growing up to be a fine young man with many good friends.

Finally, one of the biggest changes I have seen in one of my children this year, comes from an unlikely candidate. He's not even my real son, but I accept him as such this year as he has become a part of our family. Wang Haiji, "Frank" as we call him, is winding down his stay with us and will be leaving for China in a few weeks. When Frank first got here, he was a bit bashful and reserved. Frank comes from a family of no brothers and sisters and to be thrust into our family with all of its quirks and drama is quite a change from his normal family structure. He has learned to adapt this year and I think he has learned to enjoy brothers and sisters. I know our family will be forever changed by our experience with Frank. I can say with all honesty that from the first time he called me "Dad", I have seen so much change in him. I'm also proud to call him son and I am praying that our family has influenced him in a good way and that Frank will take many of the values and the faith we hold dear back to China with him. We also hope that he'll be returning on a student visa in the fall to go to school at Washburn University.

My family wouldn't be complete or even possible if it weren't for the love of my wife Ronda and the kids' mother. It takes a partnership to raise children and she has been an equal partner with me over the years. We've not always agreed on our parenting style, but we've always agreed that we love our kids and we're proud of them.

These people mentioned above make Father's Day what it is for me. Their gift of life and sharing that gift with me and each other is the greatest gift I could ever ask for.

Finally, the greatest example of a Father's love for his children would have to come from scripture. John 3:16 reads: "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

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My mom underwent a knee replacement surgery this past week in Wichita. She's doing very well, despite some pain. The day after her surgery my daughter Breeann and I went up to see her in the hospital. When we got there, I was surprised to see her up and going for a walk! Mom is our proofreader and typsetter here at the paper. I'm hoping we did a good job in catching mistakes this week in her absence! Get well soon mom and get yourself back to work!

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It's been nearly 2 years ago since Dorfus CrackTractor played together and they are getting together for a reunion show here in Medicine Lodge this weekend. For those that remember, Dorfus CrackTractor is a band made up of myself, my former Editor David Fasgold and local Deputy Sheriff Justin Rugg. Our band played events, clubs and venues in the area for about 4 years before taking a break in July of 2007. Back then, gas was inching up over $4 a gallon and David had moved to Oklahoma City, making it hard for us to make enough money even to pay our gas to get to shows in Wichita.

Gas is slightly cheaper now and we've always said we needed to get together and do a show before we forgot all of our material. David called me a few weeks ago and said, "I miss you goofs. Let's play a show together."

I called up Mike Lynch from Mike's Sports Bar and we set it up for this coming Saturday, June 13.

If you never caught a show, Dorfus was full of whacky costume changes, part comedy act with parodies of songs and we played a wide variety of music from rock, swing, country, disco and even rap.

So, we're keeping our fingers crossed that we still have a few fans that will come out and dance on Saturday and welcome David Fasgold back into our community for this one night only event. We're throwing this together with a short rehearsal the Friday night before, but we expect to have a few minor train wrecks! So, make plans on Saturday to come out see us at Mike's!! Have a great week!

KWIBS - From June 1, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

If you're like me, you've seen the above sign in windows of storefronts for the past few years. Originally, they were designed for restricted areas like courthouses, government offices, schools and lending institutions.

Kansas law prohibits a licensed concealed carry person from entering a property with such signs appropriately displayed.

Several months ago, I completed my conceal carry certification course and obtained my license. In my second line of work (surety agent and bail enforcement), I have decided it is necessary to carry concealed.

Almost three years after the start of a state law allowing people to carry concealed weapons, signs banning guns from privately owned businesses have popped up all over the Kansas area.

Although some stores have posted signs and added "no weapons" clauses to their posted codes of conduct, many small businesses haven't seen the need.

Under the law, concealed handguns are banned from some businesses, including bars and financial institutions. Anyone who has taken a concealed carry course knows where they are allowed to carry their weapon and where they aren't. Businesses and employers can ban concealed weapons from their property by posting a sign that guns are not allowed.

After the class I became more aware of how many of these signs are out there. Certain hotels, coffee shops, office product stores, gas stations and even hair dressers were displaying these signs.

Each time I see the sign a puzzling thought enters my head. Why have these places chosen to prohibit law abiding citizens from carrying a weapon? Why wouldn't they want the protection of law abiding citizens in their store?

Take for example a situation that occurred in Topeka, KS (from KTKA.com: Concealed carry permit holder shoots suspect Story by Jesse Fray. 6:40 p.m. Monday, January 22, 2007.)

An Oklahoma concealed-carry permit holder thwarted a robbery at a Topeka convenience store Friday night, police said.

Police said 57-year-old Michael Mah shot a 17-year-old suspect who was trying to rob the Phillips 66 at 29th and Randolph, after telling him to drop his weapon. The owner of the store, Dean Yee, told police two men ran inside, when one of them pointed a gun at him and demanded money. Concealed weapons advocates said Mah did the right thing.

"The bad guys … better be careful who they pick on," said Troy Powell, a retired cop who recently moved here from Texas.

Powell said the shooting is exactly what concealed-carry is intended for.

"The guy was right there on scene and had firsthand knowledge that it was happening," said Powell. "I think he reacted appropriately and probably he could’ve saved that guy’s life and his own."

Police said Mah shot the man just once.

"I don’t think any of these people that carry-concealed are wanting to do someone in, they’re just wanting to stop the guy, to keep him from hurting … someone else," Powell said.

Mah had a concealed carry permit from Oklahoma, one of 22 states from which permit holders can also carry a weapon in Kansas, police said.

"This incident, it supports that they’re right," he said. "Concealed carry is a privilege that citizens should have."

End of story...

Sadly, I think many people are uninformed about concealed carry and display the signs without understanding the cons of doing so.

This is a subject that brings out a lot of emotion from people who are for or against gun control / gun rights.

Folks, the people you need to be afraid of aren't the ones that have licenses for their guns or to carry concealed. Criminals aren't paying attention to your signs. In fact, that might just encourage someone who wants to rob you or do you wrong. They see that you don't allow guns on your premises and this emboldens them and possibly makes you an easier target.

It's not like a robber is going to look at the sign and say, "Oh, I'm not going to rob the place. I can't take my gun in there."

There are other ramifcations to this type of signage. Many gun owners and concealed carry people are paying more attention to where they do business.

I was in Wichita last week working on recovering a defendent who skipped court and left the jurisdiction of his arrest. He was caught and returned to the Kingman jail. I was "packing" that day, as I jokingly say. I was thirsty and decided to stop at a convenience store on my way home. I arrived at the door to find a "no conceal" sign on the front door. I turned around to go back to my truck to remove my gun and thought for a moment.

Instead of taking off my gun, I drove down the road and found another convenience store. This one didn't have a sign and got my business. I even spent a little more out of appreciation. They didn't have any idea that I had a weapon, nor did they seem to care.

On a practical side, it's hard to enforce such a ban. How would business owners even know if a customer has a weapon? I am going to abide by the law, however, and I am going to chose carefully where I do my business.

I'm expected to wear shoes and a shirt when I go into a business. Who cares what I have underneath it?

It's one thing to post a no smoking sign. That's benefiting the health of those around that don't smoke and I can respect that, but think about the situation in that story of the convenience store in Topeka. A no concealed sign could have made the difference between life and death.

Perhaps, if you agree with me, you would consider posting the sign below at your business.

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From May 26, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but I believe it is the first time in our school's history that both the boys' baseball team and girls' softball team have won regionals and gone to state, together, in the same year!

I want to congratulate all the players and coaching staff for a GREAT season!

As they get ready for state on Friday and Saturday, let'ss send them off with our congratulations and best wishes in winning state!

GO MEDICINE LODGE INDIANS!

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While on the subject of softball and baseball, I would like to thank the coaches and parents for helping our newspaper to cover the games. I've been so grateful for all of the articles and photos that have been submitted.

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We've talked about doing it for the past two years - a Dorfus CrackTractor reunion show.

Justin Rugg, David Fasgold and I have missed hanging out and playing music. We played together in Dorfus CrackTractor for several years before calling it quits in August of 2007. Now, two years later, we're going to get together and play a one night show at Mike's Sports Bar on Saturday, June 13, 2009.

The band had some modest success, playing several venues in South Central Kansas and became a regular house band at places like Mike's Sports Bar, The Port of Wichita and River City Brewery / Loft 150. Dorfus was even selected to play for the grand opening of The Guitar Center in Wichita in July of 2006.

David Fasgold was the editor here at The Gyp Hill Premiere for almost three years. During the week, we'd hammer out stories and newspapers together and on the weekends we'd play music and write silly songs. Justin joined us in 2005 and we became a silly "old-guy" band doing everything from country waltzes to gangster rap, all in effort to get a laugh.

We had some really good times together and I was more than excited when David called me last week to ask about doing a show after such a long hiatus.

I called Justin and we started dusting off equipment and thumbing through more than 100 songs that were in our former set list. We've decided to do the show, without practicing - just winging it!

Over the years together, David, Justin and I did around 70 shows. I was surprised when I picked up my guitar and successfully remembered all but 3 songs in our set from our last show in Wichita on June 29-30 at The Loft 150.

I hope it's like riding a bicycle!

KWIBS - From May 18, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

I ran short of time and space this week, but wanted to congratulate Frank and the rest of the class of 2009 at Medicine Lodge High School for their graduation!

One of those graduates will be writing some stories for us this summer! Seth Oldham is a gifted young man who has worked hard to finish school at the semester's end in 2008. He returned this week to graduate with his class after attending college in Wichita. We're excited to have him home for the summer.

Yes, I am a nerd.... I went to see the new Star Trek movie... twice in one week. Can't wait until it comes to the drive-in!

KWIBS - From May 11, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

I spent quite a bit of time going back and forth to the High School this past week in preparation for the graduation section.

The class of 2009 will graduate on May 16 at Krug Field.

This year we'll be at graduation to honor our AFS student Wang Haiji, or Frank, as you have come to know him.

It's now been 21 years since I graduated from MLHS, 22 years since my wife graduated from MLHS and only 1 year since my daughter, Breeann, graduated from MLHS. In two years, it will be my son Joey taking the stage.

As I was preparing the senior's section, I looked at all the kids from my daughter's class and glanced over their "future plans" comments. I mentally noted that quite a few of the kids in her class had changed their majors, schools and lives.

One of those kids whose lives will be changing forever is our daughter Breeann. She's one year into her elementary school education major and she told her mother and me last week that we will be grandparents..... Yep. It's not exactly what we had planned for her, but it was her decision and we'll support her.

One piece of good advice that I did get from a very dear friend was this. "When your child is in trouble, shut your mouth and open your arms." - Thank you Michele McCurdy.

When I found out the news, I can't say that I was following this advice very closely, but over the past few days I have calmed down, spent a lot of time in prayer and accepted that, it is what it is, and it can't be changed. Being angry will not help my daughter's circumstances. I love her no matter what.

Her situation reminded me of a story about another couple. Twenty-one years ago a kid graduated from MLHS, got married and had a little girl a year later. His wife had only been out of school for one year longer. Those kids were Kevin and Ronda Noland, Breeann's parents. They didn't turn out too bad....

That may not have been the plans that my parents had for me, but they were my choices. Looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing and I know that Breeann won't want to change a thing either.

Fifty-seven seniors shared their future plans for us this week in the special section included inside this newspaper. Some of those plans will change, but all of them deserve our support and prayers for their future.

Congratulations to all of the class of 2009. We're proud of you and wish you best in the future.

Have a great week !

KWIBS - From May 4, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Sorry for being short this week. I was both short on time and space.

I wanted to make a comment on Rose Mary Shoemaker's reception. With much help from the community, her sons put on a great day for her on Saturday, April 25, 2008. She's moved to Texas to be closer to her boys.

Rose Mary is like an adopted grandmother to me. I grew up at the Index, where she worked for my Grandpa Bill, my Uncle Gary and my Dad Ron. She was smart enough to retire before I asked her to work for me!

She has filled in many times for us as a proofreader. So technically, she worked for three generations of my family.

I learned the pain that a pica pole can inflict on a rear end one occasion after persistent pestering. "Rosie" was given the green light to punish me for acting up in the office when I was about 8-years-old. It took one swat for me to yield to her and respect her.

She's done so much good for this community and I am so thankful that so many people came out to share their love and appreciation for her. Good luck. Rose Mary. We'll miss you. There will always be a chair for you in the front office.

KWIBS - From April 27, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

My column this week is congratulatory in nature and maybe a little preachy. I apologize in advance.

Writing the story about Mark Buck (page one) was probably the most fun I've ever had at writing about someone in our community.

I was witness to history for the "Trim-N-Blow". Back in 2000 (seems like way back, now that I think about it), Mark brought in his contraption and I built him a website and did some video work to start the promotion process of his invention.

We were behind our building on Main Street and Mark was demonstrating his invention when he happened to barely touch the pavement. It exploded into pieces and narrowly missed both of us.

When the dust settled and we realized we weren't hurt, we both laughed and I told him that he should rename the product, "The Trim and Blow Up."

I've lost the video, but I'll never forget that.

Mark kept preserving through designs and failures, but never gave up on the idea.

I had actually not forgotten his project, but sort of filed it in the back of my brain somewhere and when he called me last week to tell me that a company was manufacturing his design, I almost couldn't believe it.

In the article, I briefly touched on something Mark said about relationships. To paraphrase at one point he said, "It [being his success] came down to relationships with people."

Mark and I visited about that subject and concluded our interview. Later that night I was pondering the subject of relationships and visiting with my wife about the day.

We are going through The Purpose Driven Life together. It's our third time and I am also doing this study with a friend, Dale McCurdy, who lives in Amarillo, TX. We call or email each day with comments on the day's chapter.

If you've never read the book, it's a good read and a good 40 day study that can be read over and over.

That night we opened our book to Day 16. It is titled "What Matters Most". It deals specifically about relationships.

Rick Warren, Author of The Purpose Driven Life writes in Chapter 16, "Often we act as if relationships are something to be squeezed into our schedule. We talk about finding time for our children or making time for people in our lives. That gives the impression that relationships are just a part of our lives along with many other tasks. But God says relationships are what life is all about."

I hope I did the story justice. It's difficult to describe what an accomplishment this is for Mark and his family. It's a project he has spent more than a decade on seeing to reality and his relationship with people and with God are what helped him find success.

Like he said, he may not get rich, but he can say, "Hey, that's my design!"

I can't begin to describe how difficult this task has been and all of the ups and downs that he and Tina and the boys have probably felt through this process.

Warren also says in his book in this chapter, "... the best way to spell love is "T-I-M-E."

Mark used his dream and this process to spend quality time with his family. They've all shared in this process, including their trip to Sacramento, CA to visit the company that is manufacturing and marketing his invention.

Often we go through life blindly without a purpose. Sometimes we don't appear to have any goals other than to get through another day.

Looking back in my own life, I have had several good ideas that I just never saw through to completion. Sometimes I just lost interest or decided the process was too dificult, so I gave up.

Having a dream or an idea that you see to completion is a great goal to have in life. When you can maintain your focus on a task that seems so unlikely, like Mark has done, and have purpose at the same time, you can accomplish greatness. I think it's cool that he made relationships so important in that process.

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From April 20, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

If you don't like what's happen to our school district, there are two things that you can do to solve the problem.

The most important is come up with a way to bring more children into our district. The other is to tell Topeka not to cut funding for education.

Neither solution seems possible right now.

USD#254 has seen a steady decrease in enrollment for several years. Compounded, is the recent cuts made by the State of Kansas.

We're not alone in our troubles. Districts like South Barber, Attica, Chapparal, Coldwater and Haviland are also taking steps in preparation for harder times.

It's now come down to a reduction in force. The most recent and visible cut will be to the health program at our schools. The district cut the school nurse program last week, in another effort to reduce expenses. It's all part of preparing for more declining numbers and less revenue provided by the state.

I want to say a few words about Susan Raleigh and how much my family appreciates what she's done for our children. Most recently, she diagnosed a simple problem with our son that undiagnosed, could have lead to him becoming very sick. She has been the first line of defense in health care of our children for more than 20 years. There will be many low income families in our district that have children who will no longer have this access to health care in our community.

I don't like what's happening to our school district any more than you do. However, before gathering your pitchforks and lynching materials for our school board and superintendent, please try to understand our current financial situation.

Not one of the board members wants to see any additional cuts. Believe it or not, our superintendent does not want to continue down a path of cutting personnel either. There just are few places to cut that won't affect education.

We've done our best at the newspaper to inform the public of the crisis that has somewhat enveloped our school district.

Understand, it could be much worse. Our board of education and our superintendent, past and present, have been very aggressive in dealing with the problem.

The problem is easy math. Less kids = less money. The state isn't helping by cutting education funding. If you don't like it, call Topeka or start making babies. Who knows, maybe last month's snow storm will yield a large class of Kindergartners in the year 2015. Have a great week!

KWIBS - From April 13, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Apparently, surgery to repair your meniscus is a simple procedure, unless you are a big baby like me.

I had some surgery on my left knee on Tuesday in Wichita and was thinking I would be back to work on Wednesday. Well, I went in for a little while Wednesday afternoon, felt my knee swell up like a balloon and then decided to go back home and rest.

Today (if you are reading Monday) I go back to Wichita to have my bandages removed.

After a couple of weeks of physical therapy and a few more weeks of healing, I should be as good as a guy with a 39-year-old knee that stepped off a ladder one step too soon, who had knee surgery. So ask me how I feel in about a month!

I do want to apologize in advance for anything we missed this week. There were a couple of ball games and a track meet that I just didn't have anyone to cover.

Bless her heart.... Ronda has taken good care of me this week and Doris manned the fort, as always, but to an extra degree without us being here. I appreciate all of you helping me out this week.

This was kind of interesting....

I had been visiting with Randy Hall a week ago last Sunday and he had mentioned he was having his knee replaced. When I asked him when he was having surgery he said, "Tuesday."

"I'm having knee surgery that day too," I answered.

When I asked him where he said, "The Kansas Surgical Center in Wichita."

"Me too," I answered.

It turns out he was checking in to the hospital as I was checking out. I didn't get to see him, but I heard he was recovering and was hoping to be home by Saturday.

I hope you are healing up Randy.

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From April 6, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Linda Hartley sent me a note this week and asked if I would print this in the paper.

I think it is something that everyone should read and it makes me proud to know that my daughter has nearly completed her first year of college, majoring in Elementary Education.
Have a great week!

Dear Kevin and Staff,

You know, Teacher Day USA is coming up the first week in May. Can this writing possibly make a difference in our community?

With all the controversy of school closings, 4 day school weeks, staff reduction, budget cuts all over the map, let us not forget the mainstay of education.

I think this assistant principal hit the target. Over 95% of the "good things that happen at school" never get shared.This is mostly due to the discretion of the teachers and staff members who don’t want to be recognized. They just want to feel good for the students and classes they have helped through a tough time, a crisis, a loss.

No one knows just how much time, money and love are spent for the students in OUR school system!

The old adage "If you can read this, thank a teacher" gets smiles and nods….but does it really get said?

Here’s hoping it does…and frequently.

I’d love for you to publish this in the GH Premiere. I know it is lengthy, but it is just the crust of all Real Life Heroes!

Thanks,

Linda Hartley

Real Life Heroes

Teachers as Heroes

An essay written by an assistant principal in Ohio.

By J. Bradley:

"Where are the heroes of today?" a radio talk show host thundered.

He blames society's shortcomings on education. Too many people are looking for heroes in all the wrong places. Movie stars and rock musicians, athletes, and models aren't heroes; they're celebrities.

Heroes abound in public schools, a fact that doesn't make the news.

There is no precedent for the level of violence, drugs, broken homes, child abuse, and crime in today's America. Education didn't create these problems but deals with them every day.

You want heroes?

Consider Dave Sanders, the schoolteacher shot to death while trying to shield his students from two youths on a shooting rampage at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. Sanders gave his life, along with 12 students, and other less heralded heroes survived the Colorado blood bath.

You want heroes?

Jane Smith, a Fayetteville, NC teacher, was moved by the plight of one of her students, a boy dying for want of a kidney transplant. So this woman told the family of a 14-year-old boy that she would give him one of her kidneys. And she did. When they appeared together hugging on the Today Show, Katie Couric was near tears.

You want heroes?

Doris Dillon dreamed all her life of being a teacher. She not only made it, she was one of those wondrous teachers who could bring the best out of every single child. One of her fellow teachers in San Jose, Calif., said, "She could teach a rock to read."

Suddenly she was stricken with Lou Gehrig's Disease which is always fatal, usually within five years. She asked to stay on job ... and did.

When her voice was affected, she communicated by computer.

Did she go home? Absolutely not! She is running two elementary school libraries! When the disease was diagnosed, she wrote the staff and all the families that she had one last lesson to teach .... that dying is part of living. Her colleagues named her Teacher of the Year.

You want heroes?

Bob House, a teacher in Georgia, tried out for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?". After he won the million dollars, a network film crew wanted to follow up to see how it had impacted his life. New cars? Big new house?

Instead, they found both Bob House and his wife still teaching. They explained that it was what they had always wanted to do with their lives and that would not change. The community was both stunned and grateful.

You want heroes?

Last year the average school teacher spent $468 of their own money for student necessities ... workbooks, pencils .. supplies kids had to have but could not afford. That's a lot of money from the pockets of the most poorly paid teachers in the industrial world.

Schools don't teach values? The critics are dead wrong.

Public education provides more Sunday School teachers than any other profession.

The average teacher works more hours in nine months than the average 40-hour employee does in a year.

You want heroes?

For millions of kids, the hug they get from a teacher is the only hug they will get that day because the nation is living through the worst parenting in history.

An Argyle, Texas kindergarten teacher hugs her little 5 and 6 year-olds so much that both the boys and the girls run up and hug her when they see her in the hall, at the football games, or in the malls years later.

A Michigan principal moved me to tears with the story of her attempt to rescue a badly abused little boy who doted on a stuffed animal on her desk .. one that said "I love you!" He said he'd never been told that at home. This is a constant in today's society .. two million unwanted, unloved, abused children in the public schools, the only institution that takes them all in.

You want heroes?

Visit any special education class and watch the miracle of personal interaction, a job so difficult that fellow teachers are awed by the dedication they witness. There is a sentence from an unnamed source which says: "We have been so eager to give our children what we didn't have that we have neglected to give them what we did have."

What is it that our kids really need?

What do they really want?

Math, science, history, and social studies are important, but children need love, confidence, encouragement, someone to talk to, someone to listen, standards to live by. Teachers provide upright examples, the faith and assurance of responsible people.

You want heroes?

Then go down to your local school and see our real live heroes - the ones changing lives for the better each and every day!

"Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression." -Haim Ginott

KWIBS - From March 30, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Years ago, an email floated around the internet about an idea that recipients of government welfare programs should be subject to drug testing, like many employers already require.

I always thought this was a good idea. Why should my tax dollars go towards supplying someone's drug habit?

This thought and email are closer to law now than one might think.

On Wednesday, the Kansas House of Representatives approved a measure mandating drug testing for the 14,000 or so people getting cash assistance from the state, which now goes before the state senate. In February, the Oklahoma Senate unanimously passed a measure that would require drug testing as a condition of receiving TANF benefits, and similar bills have been introduced in Missouri and Hawaii. A Florida senator has proposed a bill linking unemployment compensation to drug testing, and a member of Minnesota's House of Representatives has a bill requiring drug tests of people who get public assistance under a state program there.

Lawmakers in at least eight other states want recipients of food stamps, unemployment benefits or welfare to submit to random drug testing.

The effort comes as more Americans turn to these safety nets to ride out the recession. Poverty and civil liberties advocates fear the strategy could backfire, discouraging some people from seeking financial aid and making already desperate situations worse.

Those in favor of the drug tests say they are motivated out of a concern for their constituents' health and ability to put themselves on more solid financial footing once the economy rebounds. But proponents concede they also want to send a message: you don't get something for nothing.

Interestingly enough drug testing is not the only restriction envisioned for people receiving public assistance: a bill in the Tennessee Legislature would cap lottery winnings for recipients at $600.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Perhaps the legislature should consider a reimbursement situation for those winning $50,000 or more. Luck is an entitlement that should not necessarily be restricted by the government, but I like the idea of, if you get government assistance and then come into some serious cash, maybe you should consider paying the tax payers back before you run out and buy yourself a bunch of useless material items.

There seems to be no coordinated move around the country to push these bills, and similar proposals have arisen periodically since federal welfare reform in the 1990s. But the appearance of a cluster of such proposals in the midst of the recession shows lawmakers are newly interested in who is getting public assistance and how they are using it.

It's a fact, these proposals are coming at a time when more Americans find themselves in need of public assistance.

Although the number of TANF recipients has stayed relatively stable at 3.8 million in the last year, claims for unemployment benefits and food stamps have soared.

In December, more than 31.7 million Americans were receiving food stamp benefits, compared with 27.5 million the year before.

The link between public assistance and drug testing stems from the Congressional overhaul of welfare in the 1990s, which allowed states to implement drug testing as a condition of receiving help.

But a federal court struck down a Michigan law that would have allowed for "random, suspicionless" testing, saying it violated the 4th Amendment's protections against unreasonable search and seizure.

At least six states: Indiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Jersey, Wisconsin and Virginia all tie eligibility for some public assistance to drug testing for convicted felons or parolees, according to the NCSL.

If your employer can require drug testing, why can't you as a taxpayer ask for the same treatment for people using your hard earned tax dollars for their source of income?

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From March 23, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

I was sad that the Memories of the Medicine Lodge Middle School series had ended last week.

It had just so happened that while discussing it in our office, I came across another memory that had missed the paper. This one came from Fern Heublein. I was so glad she wrote her memories and shared them with us.

Fern's story is on page 10 of this week's Premiere. It will take you back to a simpler time when we actually prayed in school. In fact, they had chapel!

I remember each morning when I was in grade school we would say the Pledge of Allegiance and then we'd have a moment of prayer. I also remembered when prayer turned to a moment of silence and then that moment was silenced all together.

Fern shares her experiences with us from a completely new perspective and one of the most historical looks back at our early school system. Thank you Fern.

Also, thank you to everyone who took a moment to share a memory about the Middle School. The response was beyond my wildest dreams. I expected the series to last 3 weeks at the most. It ended up being enough material to last 10, but we squeezed it into 5 issues.

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Well, it was certainly a busy weekend in Medicine Lodge. If you timed it just right, you didn't have to pay for food all day on Saturday! Bob and Dorothy Stutler held their grand opening of The Gun Room At The Grand and served food. Later, Mike's Sports Bar celebrated their annual anniversary with free hamburgers. There's no excuse if you went hungry.

Sunday afternoon's reunion and celebration at the Middle School was a success. It was great to see some former teachers and hear some great stories from people who "made a difference" in many peoples' lives, including yours truly.

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From March 16, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

As this paper hits the streets, a missions team, made up from folks from Medicine Lodge, are in Desemboque, Mexico.

My oldest son, Joey, is with them.

The team is building a home for a pastor and his family during their spring break while many other students are spending time at ski resorts and amusement parks. I don't think there is anything wrong with that either! I love amusement parks and I understand the tradition of skiing over spring break!

I just wanted to commend these young men and women and the adults that were willing to dedicate their spring breaks to helping others less fortunate than themselves.

I love Mexico and was excited when Joey told me he wanted to go with The United Methodist Church group. I've always loved Mexico. Ronda and I have made many trips to each of the coasts of Mexico as well as the Yukatan and Baja Peninsulas. I even took my daughter to the island of Cozumel after her 8th grade graduation. Most of the people I met from there seemed to be the happiest people on the planet despite not having the luxary that we have in America. This is going to be a great opportunity for our kids to see how good we have it in America.

Mexico hasn't exactly been getting good press lately. Many of the border and resort towns are listed as being "no travel" destinations. Gang related violence has spiked in some areas making them dangerous to visit. Desemboque is not one of those places, however, your prayers for the people on this missions trip would be appreciated.

I'm excited to hear about their trip when they return to Medicine Lodge.

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Be sure to mark your calendars for this coming weekend. On Saturday, March 21 from 9 a.m. - 5 p.m. Bob and Dorothy Stutler will have their grand opening of The Gun Room at The Grand. Here's your opportunity to see the fantastic work they've done, buy yourself a pistol or a rifle, take in some free food and register for some FREE prizes! They're giving a Ruger 10/22 away at the end of the day, so be sure to go out and support Medicine Lodge's newest business!! Check out their ad on page 3 this week.

Also on Sunday, March 22 from 2-4 p.m., the Medicine Lodge Middle School will hold their reunion for past and present staff. Be sure to go by and say hi to an old acquaintance or a former teacher.

Congratulations to the Medicine Lodge Indians and Coach Ferguson for a great season! You made Medicine Lodge proud!

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From March 9, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

It was a busy week and there wasn't much room for me, so I want to take a moment to thank BP Wind Energy and all of the folks at the Flat Ridge Wind Farm for the invite to their Celebration Ceremony on Thursday. Ronda, Doris and I went out and listened to the dedication.

I wanted to commend our local Barber County Economic Development group and the County Commissioners for all of their efforts in seeing that Barber County be a leader in renewable energy for years to come.

The speeches were all great. I especially enjoyed Commissioner Mike Thomas' comments on being able to "now see" that ridge from all over the county. I too have been impressed with how far away you can see the wind farm. I never really noticed it until after all of the wind turbine lights went online a couple of months ago. Now I can see them from my driveway 5 miles away.

Congratulations to the Medicine Lodge Indians on winning Sub-State and good luck to you guys at the State Tournament this week!

One last quick announcement. The Gyp Hill Premiere will now be available at Kiowa Prescription Plus in Kiowa, Kansas. Stop in and see John and buy a paper!

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From March 2, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Every small town should be as fortunate to have a Bob and Dorothy Stutler move in to their town.

The Gun Room at The Grand will have her "soft" opening later this week after film crews from The Outdoor Channel finish up their feature. I've had several opportunities to sneak peeks at the progress that Bob is making on his project.

To say that it is spectacular is putting it mildly. Most big cities don't have anything to top what Bob and Dorothy have done with The Grand Hotel.

Even if you are not a gun nut, like me, you'll need to make it a point to visit The Gun Room at The Grand and let "The Major" show you around. I wish Bob and Dorothy the best in opening their new store and thank them again for choosing Medicine Lodge as the home of the finest gun room in the midwest!

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Medicine Lodge got beat out by Pratt.... again.

After months of construction on the Flat Ridge Wind Farm, BP has set up their offices in Pratt to further gain lease agreements for their project. Barber County Economic Development Director Tina A. Davis told me last week, they did pitch Medicine Lodge to them, but the company wanted to be closer to highways, airport, stores and restaurants.....

Wind Energy and the construction of the transmission line to serve the wind farms will be an economic boost to our area in the coming years. We need to be very aware that Pratt is also interested in this.

Our local economic group is very involved with the transmission project and is hoping Barber County will be the place where they place the sub-station. You might have seen recent ads in our newspaper from ITC or ads from Westar soliciting the KCC for the project. It is proposed on many maps that the line will run right across Barber County.

We can't afford to miss out on these opportunities. Larger communities, such as Pratt, seem to be more appealing because they are progressive, rather than regressive.

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Our Medicine Lodge Middle School Memories series has gotten bigger than I know what to do with it. I have more than a dozen memories, some quite long, of past students and faculty members of the building to share with my readers. Unfortunately, I may run out of time and space before the reunion happens on March 22nd. The Sunday afternoon celebration will be held from 2-4 p.m. at the Middle School in honor of all of those who have worked there over the years.

I have about 2 weeks left to print the memories before the event happens and I'm just not going to have enough room in the paper. I am considering running some of the remaining memories on our newspaper's website. I've also considered continuing the series out until the end of the school year. I'm interested in reader input on this subject. I had no idea that it would be as popular as it has been. It sure has been fun reading your comments.

I had one memory shared in a "for your eyes only" form from a former student of the building. Apparently, he had nearly burned the building down in a prank (gone bad) and was suspended for the event. It made quite an impression on him. Some of you know who I am writing about!

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From February 23, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

The story I wrote about Mark and Marilyn Boyter's headstone got me thinking about how important it is to clearly communicate.

The entire frustration of the Boyters and the cemetery board seems to me to be a complete lack of communication. It wasn't that neither party communicated, but simple factors interfered with the communication. Marilyn didn't receive the correspondence from the board, their attorney or even her's for that matter.

In my fact finding I discovered that the Highland Cemetery Board had claimed they sent Boyter a number of letters directly and through her attorney that she never received, adding to her frustration about the situation.

Unfortunate is putting it mildly. Mistakes are just made.

I got a chance to sit down with Carol Ritter, Sexton at Highland Cemetery. I believe she feels very badly about the incident and wants to do everything humanly possible to resolve the situation.

I believe it was the best example of an "honest" mistake that one can make.

I tried to encourage her by reminding her that we all make mistakes. I even pointed out that the evidence can be found every Monday by reading my newspaper!

Unfortunately, now attorneys are involved and peoples' feelings are hurt. I only hope that it all works out.

Remembering and knowing Mark Boyter, I can say if he could look down on this situation, he'd be shaking his head in disbelief.

Back to communication....

My hopes are that the board of county commissioners and the hospital boards of Kiowa District and Medicine Lodge Memorial Hospital can clearly communicate with each other over the coming weeks and months.

Constituents who voted for the construction of these hospitals also need to communicate. It's very easy to get emotional about the situation, but emotions won't bring solutions. Calm and rational thinking will be the beginning of cooperation.

I think back to just over a year ago when I first heard the idea of the two hospital districts in our county working together to pass a bond issue and I thought, "Not in a million years."

I was so wrong. The idea of working together brought a majority of voters to the decision that building these hospitals was the right thing to do. Now it is up to our commissioners to follow through with the will of the people.

Like I mentioned, their job isn't an easy one and I know they want to do the responsible thing in our current economic climate.

It's going to take cooperation and good communication on the part of the hospitals' boards, constituents and the county commissioners.

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This week, my youngest celebrates his 11th birthday! Nicholas's birthday is on Wednesday and I wish him the happiest birthday ever!

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From February 16, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

I'm not sure why some things strike me as funny, but I had to share this story with you.

Ronda and I were in Subway last week. We noticed there was a group in the banquet room. Being the nosey-news-man that I am, I wondered what was going on in there.

We took our seat and watched several people going in and out and finally Dale Lonker came out and walked over to our table.

I asked him what was going on the meeting room and he told me that it was a "waterboard" meeting.

The first thing out of my mouth was, "Wow, you guys are torturing someone in there? Do we have like a group of terrorists being held and you guys are in there trying to get intelligence on them?"

"Waterboard, not waterboarding," he clarified.

That sounded far less interesting to me.

Just then, Steve Bowe walked in the restaurant. He said hello to us, went straight into the meeting room and shut the door behind him.

I leaned over to Ronda and whispered, "I'll bet he's doing the waterboarding."

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By the time you read this Medicine Lodge High School's gymnasium will have a new name: The Bob Dohm Gymnasium. Bob had been a coach at the high school for like 100 years or so and they finally decided to put his name in there. I like Bob. He's a great guy and was one of my favorites in high school because he let us box and wrestle one year and hit golf balls as a part of gym class. Congratulations to you Bob on having the gym named after you.

The school had a big banner made here at our office with Bob's name on it and it was unveiled at Saturday night's game and reunion. (We'll have more pictures of that next week.)

I had visited with Athletic Director Lowell Dohrmann about some alternative names for the gym, but these were all rejected.

The "Bobatorium", The "Bobnasium" and The "Dohm Dome" were a few. Lowell had a couple of other names that apparently were either rejected or not ever discussed with school officials. You'll have to ask him about those!

It would be a real honor to have something in our district named after you. Come to think of it, that would be a great fund-raiser for our school. What if you could have a room named after you for a price or for something you did when you were in school?

If they did name a room after me, it would be something like "The Kevin Noland Detention Room."

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Our memories of the Medicine Lodge Middle School series is in full swing this week and the memories came pouring into my inbox last week. I sat and thought about all of the memories I had of going to school there from 1981-1984. Some of my teachers included Mrs. Hawkins, Mr. and Mrs. Reneau, Mrs. Taylor, Mr. Hauck and Wanda Groves.

I remember some pretty warm days upstairs as a 7th and 8th grader. We didn't have air conditioning in the school back then. A couple of rooms might have had it, but most of the classrooms were lucky to have windows that opened and a breeze to cool you off on a hot day.

Cold days were quite the opposite. I remember never wanting to sit by the old radiator heaters. Those things would make you pretty toasty sitting next to them.

One memory I had was of choir. Choir was the period after lunch and Mrs. Paul was the instructor back in 1983. I remember one day sitting in the bleachers and the big black grand piano was sitting on the gym floor. Me and my friend Nate Cox had hidden straws and napkins in our pockets from the lunch room.

Every time our teacher would turn and there was a clean shot, we'd launch a spit wad and stick them on the lid of that black piano. Someone finally ratted us out and we got detention for it. It was one of the many memories I had about that old building. I hope you'll share yours with us!

Have a great week!

KWIBS - From February 9, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Wow... This was a newsy week and a busy one here at the paper.

We were without our "Old Faithful" this week. She'll kill me for calling her that. Doris was gone a good part of last week after her daughter and son-in-law had a new baby girl. Congratulations to Seth and Julie Kastle and welcome Reagan!

Another paper in our industry made a startling announcement on Thursday of last week.

After 47 years of publication, The Derby Reporter will close this month. It is also owned by GateHouse Media, owners of The Barber County Index. This announcement by GateHouse is the third newspaper they own in Kansas to fold up.

The newspaper's last day to publish will be Feb. 17, according to a story on the newspaper's Web site and in its Thursday-Friday edition.

I got a chance to speak with Keith Lippoldt, Publisher of The Pratt Tribune last week.

There was some concern over the Index's hard bound editions that dated back several decades and what would happen to them. Last week they were taken to Pratt and stored at the Tribune.

Keith wanted me to assure the community that The Tribune would preserve them and like to see them given to a museum or organization in Medicine Lodge. John Nixon has expressed interest in them and I have given Keith his contact information. I'll try to keep you all up to date as to their status.

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I wasn't able to attend the meeting a week ago last Friday, but the county commissioners are still discussing the future of our two hospitals.

Erin Jones covered the meeting for us (page 1) and I read with interest some of the commissioners' comments about not moving forward on this.

When I walked into that voting booth back in November and voted for this project, I never thought in a million years that my vote might be trumped if it were to pass. I know many of you feel the same way.

But realistically, times are a tough. They may get tougher.

There seems to be much focus on our current economy and the need for being fiscally responsible. I couldn't agree more, but offer a couple of points when discussing the new hospitals.

Many folks are out of work and interest rates are falling. Building materials are cheaper as well. We can look at this situation in several ways. We can have a gloom and doom attitude and feel that it is not the right time to build or see this as an opportunity to take advantage of the rates and put people to work. Construction on these hospitals will bring contract laborers to our communities. They'll rent houses, buy groceries, buy utilities and services and put some needed money back into our local economy.

If you think this is crazy, look at what the wind farm did for our little town the past year. You could hardly find a house to rent, restaurants were packed and I know of several other local businesses that benefited from the "windies" presence in our community.

We could be at a real crossroads for our county. If we scrap this idea and try and salvage some older plan to add on or repair our existing facilities, only the Medicine Lodge township will pick up that tab for our local hospital.

We voted as a county to build these hospitals and share in the expense of constructing them. The verbage might be confusing about the public building commission and the responsibilities of the commissioners, but I believe that every voter who voted yes, did so with the understanding that if it passed, we would be getting new facilities in both Kiowa and in Medicine Lodge. If that wasn't the case, then voters were horribly misled.

Yes, six months ago oil was over $100 a barrel. It's around $40 now and evaluations are down. Land values seem to be holding in the face of a gloomy national economy. Our school districts in the county are readjusting to budget cuts and declining enrolments.

I think some communities are going to thrive through the recession. Some will suffer and hemorrhage their population for not being proactive in creating a stable economy.

But nobody wants higher taxes either.

So really, how do we look at this situation. Do we see the glass as half full or half empty, or do some of us see it as a glass with a crack in it?

Take a look at where things were two years ago. Look at where they are at now and try to imagine what it will be like in two years from now if we don't do anything.

I commend those officials who have to make these difficult decisions about our future. It's easy to sit behind my computer and make suggestions and comments about other peoples' decisions - It's another to be on City Council, School Board or County Commission and be faced with real numbers and an uncertain future.

I spent a lot of time looking at the state's budget problems this week and how it will affect our school district. Although I am still not a convinced fan of the 4-day school week, I now have a new appreciation for what Mr. Cullen and our school board's job is in the very near future.

The consolidation of the students in the middle school to the high school and grade school is something we have to do in order to survive. That's a quick fix to one problem. It's going to mean job cuts and some scaled back programs.

The next problem we'll be facing is a bigger cut in education next year and with a declining enrollment, more changes are coming. They're not going to be easy changes.

We still need to figure out a way to bring jobs back to this community. Short term job stimulus by constructing new hospitals will put some money back into our local economy, but won't solve long-term population issues.

We need to find ways to attract young families.

I'm grateful that we have a forward looking economic development group in Medicine Lodge. I know they are looking at several options and trying very hard to encourage business in our county.

I am putting this challenge out there. At some point there will be government stimulus money put into play by the government to build infrastructure. Our city and county need to be on the look out for anyway we can get our piece of this pie.

I still think a prison is our answer, but I don't know where to start or who to ask to get something like this going in our county. A federal facility could bring hundreds of jobs to our community.

Think big Barber County!

KWIBS - From February 2, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

Dozens of people have called and written to me this week concerning the closing of The Barber County Index. The common theme is congratulatory.

One caller said, "You finally won."

Hmm.... It doesn't feel like winning.

My response has been the same each time. There is no contest, there is no prize and I don't feel good about seeing any business close its doors, even my competition's.

Almost 20 years ago my family went into negotiations with a company called Hometown Communications of Destin, FL. The company wanted to purchase several area newspapers in an effort to capture the market for newsprint advertising.

We were told that our newspaper would become even better with all of the backing of this big corporation. My dad sold the paper shortly before I was to head back to college my Sophomore year and I was offered a job there, doing what I always did - running the printing press and managing the print shop.

I dropped out of college and took the job and the next day the new publisher called me into my dad's old office and asked, "If you owned this newspaper, what would you do?"

I remembered that question so clearly. I felt like someone was asking me for my opinion, but really, I was about to be given one. I was only 20 years old at the time and I recall my answer.

"I would continue to do a good job and give the people what they've always asked for - a community newspaper," I told my new boss.

I didn't have a clue how to run a newspaper. I was a printer. I ran the old web press and printed the two Kingman papers, the Coldwater and Protection papers and The Index.

I assumed that's why they hired me. I was wrong.

My new publisher said, "No, we're going to move all of this printing equipment up to Pratt so that it is more centralized. The print shop will close and you need to lay off these people. I was given a list of people to "ax".

My world spun very quickly and within a week, there were forklifts and jack hammers at work disassembling my family's legacy, one press unit at a time. I watched as my grandfather's, uncle's and father's equipment was loaded on to semi trailers and hauled to the great city of Pratt, to its new home, The Pratt Tribune.

Ironically, years later The Pratt Tribune print shop would lose out to a consolidation in McPherson where the Index was recently published.

My duties were clearly laid out at the time. I was to sell advertising. I had quotas to meet for my "territory", Medicine Lodge; and I had to meet them or risk losing my job. The quotas were impossible to meet. I was required to bring in nearly twice of what my family had generated on a quarterly basis, but I met my requirements twice and then as I watched the control of our paper slip away, I decided I was done and I was going back into printing.

After giving my two weeks notice, Ronda and I were approached by several business people in the community who urged me to start a competing newspaper. We said no at first. We had purchased our own print shop, which I was running out of my basement of our home, but the pressure was on and they wouldn't take no for an answer.

A week after I had quit The Barber County Index I was given a $10,000 loan from The First National Bank. Ronda and I bought the minimum equipment needed. We had made contact with a pressman from Belle Plaine. George and Janet Palmer offered us a building to rent. We got some needed help from my friend and fellow Publisher Dennies Andersen of the Western Star in Coldwater and we printed our first newspaper in early July of 1991. Ricky Pyle was on the cover.

So for the past 17 1/2 years we've published a locally owned and operated newspaper in competition with The Barber County Index.

Competition is a good thing, people told us. It made us work harder to please our customers. It was hard competing with several owners with deep pockets over the years, but we love what we do and we try hard to put out the best product we can.

We climbed to the top and outsold our competition despite our resources. They tried to chip away at us with high-priced, 4-color front pages and several writers from the Tribune. They even lowered their ad rates to nearly half of what we did. There were times we were so frustrated we just wanted to quit, but the community kept supporting us. Trying to compete on an even playing field was next to impossible.

A friend gave me advice once when I was frustrated with trying to compete with the resources of the owners of The Barber County Index. In 2 Corinthians 10 he read me "We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the field God has assigned to us, a field that reaches even to you [me]."

That scripture has stuck with me for all of these years.

It stood out again as some of the Index's last words were, "Unfortunately, our superior coverage of news and sports did not translate into advertising dollars," as stated by the publisher.

I don't gloat in the knowledge my competition has gone. In fact I mourn for the newspaper that was in my family for 25 years and for the readers and for its staff. It had always been my dream to one day have it back.

I did make that attempt, but my offer to purchase the paper was not accepted. Any other information is confidential.

So how do I best describe my feelings about the Index closing?

It almost feels like an old friend has died. One that I hadn't had contact with in years. We had drifted apart, and didn't part on the best terms, but I still thought of them as family - like family you didn't send a Christmas card to. It's hard to describe the bitter sweet feeling of the situation.

I believe it is a lesson about the current state of our affairs. If a business, who can boast of more than a century of operations in our town can not survive in this climate, how vulnerable does that make the rest of us?

My focus now will be one of greater responsibility to my community. For more than 100 years several newspapers have had the awesome privilege to bring the news to the citizens of Medicine Lodge and Barber County. We've done that for more than 17 years, but now we have to perform at our very best, with our very best intentions, to be worthy of your readership and support.

We'll need your patience as we adjust.

Even though there were two newspapers in Medicine Lodge, it was still impossible to cover everything that went on in our community. Many people don't realize, but the newspaper can be a 24/7, 365 day a year job. Medicine Lodge is a pretty "newsy" community and if you've ever taken the time to read other newspapers in cities our size, you'll see we've always gone the extra mile to be a good publication.

Now more than ever, we need your cooperation to keep our community's news alive and well.

Since that first paper in 1991, we've seen computers come into the homes and most people have digital cameras. We are so appreciative of the folks who take time to snap a picture and drop us an email about their events when we can't be there. I always appreciate how the schools keep us up on their events through newsletters and emails from teachers. We want to strengthen that relationship. Email us anytime! My email is knoland@cyberlodg.com. In the future, we have plans to expand our newspaper's website to bring news to you in more detail and in a more "as it happens" setting.

Although we did not see eye to eye, J.W. Keene did the very best he could, with what he was given.

This might sound rough, but I believe that the Index closed because the owners, far away in places like New York, really didn't care about Medicine Lodge. I don't believe they ever did. They can say they did, but in the end I think it was always about the money. Only the local staff cared and sometimes they grew frustrated too.

And what is the truest loss?

Ruby Gieswein has been the secretary at the Index since one week before I left their employment in 1991. She's been the only common denominator and most faithful employee that one could be in the 19 years since my family sold the paper.

She did care, and I wish her the best of luck.

Have a great week....

KWIBS - From January 26, 2009 - By Kevin Noland

BTW and FYI .. I hate acronyms and abbvs.

What has happened to the way we communicate? I suppose in the day and age we live in, typing on tiny cell phones and dropping each other instant messages on the internet, we've forced our language to also be miniaturized and reduced to poor spellings and symbols for communicating to one another.

I text daily now that my daughter is in college. Gone are the days of simply picking up the phone and having a real conversation. Her schedule and social life leave her little time to communicate any other way. Now I get random messages that might read something like this, "IDK if I m cmn home 2nite or not, 2 tired."

I used to have to call and get a translation, which defeated her texting me in the first place. It's truly like learning any new language and I'm catching on quickly.

I have no problem communicating on these terms under the condition that it is being done because we are not face to face and we are using electronic devices not actually intended for that use. Believe it or not, cell phones were designed for actually speaking to the person you were calling. I do, however, draw the line when communicating to someone face to face.

Someone actually said to me, "FYI" in conversation.

If this is what's in store for us for the future, there's not much hope for our language. English may not be the most beautiful language, it is definitely not as pleasing to the ear as Latin or French, but it has always had a sort of charm. With texting-style language taking over, English becomes even more complicated and even less attractive. If people can learn to take an extra couple of seconds to say "for your information," instead of "FYI," there may be hope for the future of our language.

If this is the case, we're in for a ridiculous-sounding future and we'd better shape up PDQ.... oops.

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Doing a little follow-up...

I had many comments about my Chinese underwear article a couple of weeks back. On Tuesday of last week, I received a package in the mail, from China! That's right. Frank's dad sent me several pairs of Lang Ben underwear, or men's panties as it translates.

I eagerly opened the box and spread several pair of the underwear on my desk. There's no sense in being modest at this point, since Doris brought the package from the Post Office and insisted on being present as I opened them.

I ushered her out of my office, locked the door and quickly slipped on a pair. To my satisfaction, they fit exactly like I had anticipated and I am now the most comfortable gentleman in town! Well, one of the most comfortable. I told John Nixon about the underwear and brought over a pair for him to see and he finagled one from me. I didn't tell him I tried on every pair first....

Our new president takes the oath of office tomorrow.

Keeping to his promise, Barak Obama has already begun stimulating the economy. I was sent this article last week, and being a gun enthusiast, wanted to share it with some of my readers.

January 15, 2009

­Jim Shepherd

(205) 243-3393 cell

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — In recognition of the unprecedented demand for firearms by nervous consumers, The Outdoor Wire, the nation’s largest daily electronic news service for the outdoor industry, has named President-elect Barack Obama its "Gun Salesman of the Year". With the selection, Outdoor Wire publisher Jim Shepherd says it is time the firearms industry recognizes the fact that without President-elect Obama’s frightening consumers into action, the firearms industry might be suffering the same sort of business slumps that have befallen the automotive and housing industries.

"It’s credit where credit is due," says Shepherd, "Mr. Obama has consistently voted against individual rights to firearms, appointed a re-tread Clinton administration full of gun banners, and made it plain to antigun groups that despite what he might say to the contrary, he’s on their side." That history, along with the unquestioned support of antigun organizations, Shepherd says, has spooked consumers into a buying frenzy for firearms that could be outlawed in another Assault Weapons Ban.

"Manufacturers are months behind on orders for semiautomatic pistols, AR-style rifles, and anything with so-called ‘high-capacity magazines’," Shepherd says, "buyers we’ve surveyed across the country seem to have a single explanation for their rush to purchase firearms – Obama."

"The buying panic is not limited to people you might be described as aficionados or even ‘gun nuts’. Recently, I was in a gun store when a gentleman came and said he’d never wanted to own a gun before, but wanted to get one while he still could."

Since the November Presidential election, firearms sales have been at unprecedented levels. For December 2008 the National Instant Criminal Background Check System (NICS) recorded a twenty-four percent increase in background checks for 2008 (1,523,426) over December 2007 (1,230,525).

This follows a forty-two percent (42%) increase in November 2008, the highest number of NICS checks in the system’s history. Those FBI background checks are required under federal law for all individuals purchasing firearms from federally licensed firearms retailers. In other words, gun sales have never been better.

Sales are so good that on Tuesday, January 6, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF) issued a notice to all federal firearms licensees that "an unprecedented increase in demand for ATF Form 4473" had run supplies low enough that dealers were temporarily given permission to photocopy the form until supplies caught up with demand. Completion of a form 4473 is required whenever a federal firearms licensee sells a fire­arm.­

As a journalist with more than two decades of national newsgathering experience, Shepherd says he’s never seen anything approaching what he calls the "Obama effect". In fact, Shepherd says, gun and ammunition sales are at such frantic levels that they have surpassed the panic-buying of Y2K or anything during the Clinton years when the first Assault Weapons Ban was passed. This time, he says, concerned consumers are buying guns and ammunition in anticipation of Obama Administration actions to prohibit certain types of firearms.

"In 1999, the fear was that computers would shut down, crippling the world," Shepherd says, "Those fears were unfounded. I don’t think the fears of an Obama administration banning guns are unfounded. His record speaks for itself. He’s never failed to support an antigun measure, despite saying he supports the Second Amendment."

According to Shepherd, moves to prohibit firearms sales would drastically impact a billion-dollar industry that is not only healthy, but pours more than one hundred fifty million dollars annually into conservation programs through an eleven percent tax collected on guns and ammo.

"The Pittman-Robertson Act provides the vast majority of funding for wildlife agencies at the federal, state and local levels," says Shepherd, "and that money comes directly from the tax levied against gun owners. Damaging the firearms industry won’t just put workers in the gun business out of work, it will severely impact wildlife and conservation efforts nationally. That damage could take decades to repair – if it can be undone."

Choosing President-elect Obama as the Gun Salesman of the Year, says Shepherd, is a lot like a good-news, bad-news joke. "His election has driven gun sales into the stratosphere," Shepherd says, "but his opposition to guns and gun ownership may be the biggest threat the industry has ever faced. If he puts scoring political points with antigen groups ahead of economic realities, he will be deliberately putting thousands of people out of work. I don’t see that as an economic stimulus plan with much of a future."

"Today, however, the facts are indisputable," Shepherd says, "Barack Obama has spurred gun sales in a time when the entire economy seems to be tanking. If that doesn’t make him the gun salesman of the year – if not the decade – I don’t know what would."

I was thinking about something this past week. Back in 1999, some genius invented glasses that you wore with year 2000 on them. You looked through the two zeros. That guy or gal must have thought, "I've finally done it. I've invented something that will be a huge hit every New Year's Eve."

And then it happened - 2009.

I can see the inventer wearing his or her glasses, looking through the zeros with the two and the nine on each side and it finally sinking in, "Oh my! It's over. The dream is over. I can't do this with 2010."

With the new year, comes the resolutions. Wondering what to do with all of that left over body fat? Here's an idea...

A former Beverly Hills, Calif. liposuction doctor claimed to have the environment's best interests at heart when he began fueling his and his girlfriend's SUVs with human fat sucked out of his patients.

Unfortunately the practice was illegal, according to California state health officials.

An investigation by the California public health department revealed that Craig Alan Bittner created "lipodiesel" from his patients' fat and used it to power his Ford SUV and his girlfriend's Lincoln Navigator, Forbes.com reported this week.

"The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel — and I have more fat than I can use," Bittner wrote on his now defunct Web site. "Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth."

California law forbids the use of human medical waste to power vehicles. I wonder if Kansas has a law like that?

Bittner's practice, Beverly Hills Liposculpture, closed in November.

Apparently, several former patients have filed lawsuits against the doctor, claiming he allowed his unlicensed girlfriend and an assistant to perform procedures, causing mistakes that left the patients disfigured, attorney Andrew Besser, who represents three of the former patients, told Forbes.com.

If you're not interested in losing weight, or in fact, wanting to attract those of the opposite sex wanting to indulge in fast foods, Burger King Corp. may have just the thing. The home of the Whopper has launched a new men's body spray called "Flame." The company describes the spray as "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

I can hear my wife now, "mmmm baby, you smell like meat."

The fragrance is on sale at New York City retailer Ricky's NYC in stores and online for a limited time for $3.99.

Burger King is marketing the product through a website featuring a photo of its King character reclining fireside and naked but for an animal fur strategically placed to not offend.

Too late... I was offended when you made a meat scented body spray.....

The marketing ploy is the latest in a string of viral ad campaigns by the company. Burger King is also in the midst of its Whopper Virgins campaign that features a taste test with fast-food "virgins" pitting the Whopper against McDonald's Corp.'s Big Mac.

Their (dis) tasteful advertising makes me long for a Big Mac..

Burger King Holdings Inc. shares actually rose 15 cents to close at $20.53 just before the year's end.

Have a great week!

Hello and Happy New Year!

It's time to start messing up your checks by writing the wrong date at the top, if you haven't already done that!

When people find out that we are a host family for AFS, they usually ask the basic questions.

Where is the student from? What has the student told you about his life in his home country? What are some of the differences between where the student lived and the United States. What is the neatest thing you have learned from hosting an AFS student?

We're now halfway through our year with Frank, who's real name is Wang Haiji. Frank is from China.

That's about what I've learned in the past six months!

That's not entirely true. I know that Frank is an only child, a rule that is enforced in China to control an exploding population. Frank's family does not own a car because they have a very advanced public transportation system in their home town. They live in a housing complex that has close to 400 other people in it. Frank's dad is captain of a cargo ship that frequently is at sea and often makes port in the United States. Frank's mom is an accountant. Frank lives in a city along with 6-8 million other people, however, I can't pronounce the name of his city.

I know Frank loves to play basketball, which is played a little bit differently than in the United States, but he is enjoying learning plays and experiencing the level of competition he's unfamiliar with. Frank likes to build models and enjoys reading and studying. He's extremely smart.

With little surprise, Frank is a normal teenage boy, not too much different than my own teenage son.

I've learned that kids are just kids - no matter where they are from. Teenage boys are clumsy. They can be unintentionally messy. They stay up too late, spend too much time on the internet, eat too much junk food, listen to crappy music and have a bad taste in clothing.

I've actually learned a lot of neat things about Frank and Chinese culture.

So what is the neatest thing I've learned? I've learned that Frank and the Chinese have the coolest underwear!

Tuesday evening the boys were gone and Ronda was doing laundry. As she was folding clothes, she held up his underwear and said, "Look at Frank's underwear."

They are so cool. Men, you just wouldn't understand unless you could see them for yourself. These underwear look like they are made for male comfort. You know how a baseball fits so nicely into a broken in ball mitt? or a baby kangaroo fits into his mother's pouch? Well, let that thought sink in a minute.

That's kind of how Frank's underwear looks like they'd feel if I could put them on - and I probably would have tried if my waist wasn't 10 inches bigger around than his.... and don't think I didn't check either. I'm not for sure what size they were because they are in Chinese, but I'm pretty sure it would take a couple of pairs to make one that fit me.

So I got online and I searched for the brand name "Lang Ben" and a bunch of scribbly looking characters that my keyboard doesn't have. I didn't find a match, so I modified the search to include "Chinese Underwear."

This kicked up a bunch of matches which included pictures and descriptions and I found one site that had something similar to Frank's amazing looking underwear.

I clicked on the photo and then clicked for a price and description.

That's when I learned something else about the Chinese culture. They have a difficult time when it comes to translation.

The description of the underwear said, "Men's Panties."

I've got to get me a pair!

I did talk to Frank about his underwear when he got home and told him that I wanted a pair. He got his laptop out and webcamera and spoke with his dad for what I thought was a good half-hour. I should be getting some Chinese underwear in the mail soon!

Poor kid, I hope he doesn't read my column. Let's all keep the fact that I wrote about Frank's underwear our little secret.

Have a great week!

I'm writing this Christmas Eve, eagerly waiting to get home to celebrate Christmas with my family.

I have the news on and I'm half writing and half listening and half thinking about what I might find under the tree later for me. Hopefully, it's a calculator because obviously I can't add.....

Earlier in the week, I had gone to see Dr. Pete. I developed Rednose Reindeer Eye. I made that up. My eye is all swollen and red like Ruldolph's nose, but higher and to the left. I could lead Santa's sleigh and reindeer if only I had peripheral vision and depth perception.

As I got ready to go see Pete at the clinic, I remembered it was December 23 and I should bring him a gift. Like any crafty man, I had made a stack of gifts in the pantry that I had received earlier in the week and grabbed a can of salted nuts and stuck a bow on it from another gift.

I walked into Pete's office and said, "Merry Christmas, Dude!" He said, "Nice regift......"

It's extrasensory development that every man has by the age of 30. He knew this wasn't the first time these nuts had made a round. Still he graciously accepted them and placed them with the other 5 cans of nuts and 20 plates of cookies in his office.

Regifting probably began in cave man days.

"Atouk! Me lunda (that's "love" in caveman language) this rock. Goes with everything Lar own. Thank you Atouk!"

"Yes Lar, me know Atouk got same rock from you last rockmas." (Note, Christmas hadn't happened yet).

Lar then smashes Atouk in the head with the very same rock he regifted and drags Atouk's woman off by her hair.

Did you know that someone is actually keeping statistics on regifting?

2007 Regifting Survey Findings

* Nearly seven out of ten (68%) women regift or are thinking about it (compared with only 47% of men).

* Regifting favorably has increased by 7% in two years. The 2005 survey showed that 54% of the respondents felt it was acceptable. In 2007, that number grew to 58%. 2008's figures aren't even in yet, but you can bet they'll be higher. I've regifted twice already!

* 42% of respondents said they would regift to save money -- compared to only 33% respondents in 2005. 25% of the respondents think that regifting is growing in popularity because consumers are doing it as a way to save on holiday expenses.

* 14% of respondents think that regifting is growing in popularity because it is a form of recycling. See Barb! That's how I recycle!

* Most regifters have good intentions -- 62% regift because they think it is something the recipient would really like. So that means the other 38% are just heartless and unappreciative!

* Regifting is becoming more widely accepted, 60% of respondents think so. Even more telling, less than 10% of respondents claimed they would be unhappy to receive a regift. 18% even claimed they would be happy or amused to be on the receiving end of a regift.

Of course, the number-one regifting rule is - Don’t get caught. All other regifting suggestions relate to this primary rule. Getting caught could cause a triple-whammy of regifting shame for you (you are a busted regifter), the person who gets your regift (who knows you didn’t buy him anything new) and the first-time gifter (who sees his or her gift given to someone else and now thinks you hated it, which you probably did).

Acceptable Regifting Guidelines

1. The toughest rule of them all: Give the gift with good intentions, just like you would a new gift that you picked out yourself. Give it because you honestly feel that the recipient would enjoy it.

2. Brand new and new-in-the-package items without any trace of wear and tear are suitable for regifting. If it's scratched, dented or torn up, ripped or stained, you're busted.

3. Make sure the gift doesn't still have a tag on it that says, "To Kevin (or insert your name) From Mom".

4. Wrap the gift in nice, new gift wrapping if you can. If you can't, do like I do. I usually stick mine in a gift bag (recycled of course), sticking a new name tag over the old one so as not to alert anyone that it is an old bag. Sometimes I use a staple gun to seal up the bag because nothing says, "This has never been opened before," like a staple.

5. If you know the gift looks like something you had but didn’t want, you can be honest. Tell the recipient, "I got this last year, but it really doesn’t match my skin tone. I kept thinking that it would be great on you. If you don’t like it, feel free to pass it on to someone you think would like it better." But this only works as long as you didn't give it back to the person who gave it to you first.... Which brings me to the last rule of regifting.

6. Keep track of who gave you what to avoid regifting to the original giver, which can be the most uncomfortable situation. I usually try to ship my regifts out of state to family and friends that didn't see me get it.

Dang, I just blew it because they all get the paper.

Happy New Year!

Of the 52 weeks out of each year we print a newspaper, the last two weeks of the year are the most hectic for us. Usually Christmas falls somewhere either on a print day, deadline day or smack dab in the middle of it all. We rush around at the paper weeks before, trying to schedule the time off and find ways to get work done in advance so we can produce the last two papers of the year.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, it dawns on me that it's almost Christmas again. I'm so caught up in all of the bustle that until I open the file called "Christmas", I nearly forget that it's even here already.

I opened that file last week and started working on the Christmas edition. This issue is my most favorite one to put out.

This issue has the letters to Santa from the grade school kids in it.

One of my favorite letters this year comes from a kid named Andrew. It reads:

Dear Santa,

I want a cowboy gun and a shotgun. Are your reindeer ok? I want to see your reindeer.

Love Andrew C.

I forwarded this message up to Santa and, to my surprise, got a response back.

This issue also has the greetings from the merchants of Medicine Lodge and I've always thought of this issue as a giant Christmas card.

And that's good because Ronda and I are terrible when it comes to sending out Christmas cards. However, we've had a pretty good track record of Christmas editions - 17, to be exact.

Most importantly, when we get this issue put together, it's time to stop and reflect on what the holiday we're observing really means.

It's so easy to forget what the holiday is all about. If you're like me you have last minute shopping to do, gift wrapping, decorating, parties to go to, school programs to attend, baking, family (hopefully not baking family) and everything else that goes along with this time of year.

So what does Christmas symbolize for you?

It's an occasion to nearly freeze time for a moment and spend it with family and friends. It's a time for remembering to be thankful for the things in life that are the most important.

For me and my family, it symbolizes God's love and mercy and the gift of his Son Jesus.

My favorite scripture about this season is in Luke 2, beginning with verse 8: "And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Ronda and I are the worst when it comes to sending out Christmas cards. So this is our card to you all. To our friends, our family and our readers, we wish you a Merry Christmas. I pray that the peace and hope that is Jesus's birth fills your home this holiday.

So from Ronda, Breeann, Joey, Nicholas and Frank (our AFS student from China), along with myself, we wish you all a.......

Merry Christmas!

Last week auto makers went before congress requesting close to $40 billion in government loans to save the auto industry.

I have mixed feelings about the government bail out. On one hand I believe that our economy might be on the edge of collapse if we allow millions of Americans to lose their jobs. On the other hand I grow weary of corporate executives who are given large salaries only to have their companies go nearly bankrupt and then ask me as the taxpayer to help fix their problems. The real problem I had with this was a threat that the executives made to the American people: Do this, or we'll fold up and the ripple effect will ruin our country.

These kinds of threats should be taken seriously. And if Congress decides to give these companies money, we must hold them accountable. I'm actually glad for the oversight that many are asking for in giving this money. It must be repaid, with interest to the American people.

With that said, I'll be in Washington on Wednesday to testify before congress to bail out the newspaper industry..... kidding, but do you see the dangerous road we're now on?

And what about Main Street businesses? We generate most of the jobs in this country, borrow the most money and provide most of the services that keep our country going. When will we receive our bail out?

In just under 40 days, our new president will take office. He'll have his work cut out for him. I believe there will be a renewed appreciation for how difficult a job this is and hopefully we'll get that change that we were promised during the campaign.

Doug Anstaett, executive director of the Kansas Press Association in Topeka, sent me this editorial.

I know, you’ve got a lot on your mind today with the economy tanking, Christmas just around the corner and the pressure mounting to come up with a New Year’s Resolution or two.

But if you can find a few minutes in your busy schedule during the next week, you might want to give a "hip, hip, hooray" to the memory of George Mason. For it was Mason who made sure that the Bill of Rights became the law of the land in the fledgling United States of America on Dec. 15, 1791.

Mason, a Virginian, insisted upon the inclusion of individual rights as part of the U.S. Constitution. He had written the Virginia Declaration of Rights that was adopted along with the Virginia Constitution and refused to sign the new national constitution because it lacked such a listing of individual freedoms. He went home from the constitutional convention disillusioned and as an outspoken opponent of ratification.

Fortunately for us, his stubbornness paid off, the Bill of Rights was adopted and we continue today to enjoy the individual freedoms spelled out for every citizen in those first 10 amendments to the Constitution.

Freedom of speech. Freedom of religion. Freedom of the press. The right against self-incrimination. The right to a speedy and public trial. The right to bear arms. The right to a trial by jury. Protection against unreasonable search and seizure.

Those of other rights remain some of our most cherished freedoms more than two centuries later.

These rights have stood the test of time and guarantee every citizen — even those who hold views the rest of us might find abhorrent — the right to speak out, the right to be represented in court by counsel, the right to practice any religion or no religion and the right to be safe from unwarranted intrusions into their homes and lives.

The Bill of Rights may not have been on the front burner when our Founding Fathers debated the new Constitution, but George Mason made sure that the country did not move forward without those guiding principles spelled out.

We all owe a debt of gratitude to those who chose not to remain silent, who refused to be intimidated and who stood firm until our nation’s foundation was laid properly.

George Mason indeed earned his title of "Father of the Bill of Rights." Join me today in a "hip, hip, hooray."

Have a great week!

Tough economic times call for thrifty decisions at Christmas time. Surely even the most romantic will think twice about the $86,609 price tag for the items in the carol, "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

That's right. That's this year's cost, according to the annual "Christmas Price Index" compiled by PNC Wealth Management, which tallies the single partridge in a pear tree to the 12 drummers drumming, purchased repeatedly, as the song suggests. The price is up $8,508 or 10.9 percent, from $78,100 last year.

In this tight economy, what's a romantic to do?

The creative, yet cash-strapped consumer, might consider some modifications. After all, who needs dozens of birds?

Instead of two turtle doves ($55) why not two Dove chocolate bars at about buck each? You don't have $4,414 for 10 lords-a-leaping? How about a "Riverdance" DVD? Plenty of crazy leaping there, and it's only about $20. Check at Alco, they can probably get you one. Save a couple grand by skipping the 11 pipers piping and getting a CD of Scottish bagpipe music for less than $15.

Necessity is the mother of invention. So this year, it might pay to be a little more inventive.

While some sources suggest the gold rings actually refer to ring neck pheasants — apparently, all the birds were for feasting, I would personally suggest a turkey at White's costing around $15-$20.

But sticklers for tradition might also save by procrastinating. With the economy in its first consumer-led recession since the early 1980s and energy prices falling as of late, prices could come down between now and Christmas. Our local merchants are providing big savings this holiday and you'll save on gas too!

PNC Financial Services Group Inc. checks jewelry stores, dance companies, pet stores and other sources to compile the list. While it is done humorously, PNC said its index mirrors actual economic trends.

For instance, gasoline costs topped $4 this summer, driving up shipping costs for many goods. So a pear tree that cost $150 last year will cost $200 this year. (The partridge is up $5 to $20.)

For your bird items in the song, I say buy some bird seed from the Coop and you'll get to see some birds. They may not be partridges or in pear trees or calling birds, but you'll get your birds.

Luxury items are also up, as reflected by the price of the seven swans-a-swimming, which are up 33 percent to $5,600.

Take your significant other to the Barber County State Lake for a view of the ducks and geese for free. It's the next best thing.

But if you just want to spend money the faltering economy has also brought down the cost of some items.

The three French hens (down $15 to $30) and six geese-a-laying (down $120 to $240) reflect declines in food prices.

Guys, nine ladies dancing... you should probably not go there if you want to salvage not only Christmas, but your relationships as well.....

The eight maids-a-milking will cost 12 percent more, $52.40 from about $47 last year, thanks to their second annual minimum wage increase. Good luck finding them. Nobody wants to work for minimum wage anymore.

The 10 lords-a-leaping, 11 pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming are all up about 3 percent, reflecting the general average wage increase.

And nothing is more romantic that 12 drummers drumming.

On another good note the five golden rings fell 11.4 per cent as retailers trim prices of luxury goods in light of all markets a-moaning.

Your best bet is probably to not try and keep up with the 12 Days of Christmas theme, but if you are going to, try and substitute some of the items for things you can buy right here in Medicine Lodge. It will be fun and it will save you money and you'll be supporting your local economy.

I'll bet you're singing that song in your head, aren't you?

Have a great week and Merry Christmas!

A lot of talk around town and in my office this week revolved around the idea of a 4 day school week and consolidating the 7th & 8th graders with the high school and elementary grades at the grade school.

I did my best to present the facts concerning this subject and to be unbiased in my reporting on the subject in an article on the front page this week.

It wasn't easy. Many people I spoke with became quite emotional about the subject and I often wondered what I had gotten myself into. I listened to their concerns and encouraged them to attend the meeting to be held Tuesday, November 25.

I was a student in the district for 12 years and my daughter is a recent graduate of MLHS after attending school in the district for 12 years. My sons Joey and Nicholas are in their 10th and 5th years respectively and I have an AFS student who will graduate in May from MLHS. I've been involved with this school district for the past 33 years in some fashion and will be involved in it for at least another 7 years before my last child will graduate there.

I feel like we've done our part, procreating and getting kids enrolled in our school system so they could be taught and counted for state funding. But my wife and I are getting older now. We're not having anymore babies, that we know of or would have to sue a local doctor if we did.

Our jobs of being the baby-makers in town are over and we've passed the torch on to a new generation of people who need to, well, get busy and make babies!

Seriously, there are three ways to bring more kids into the district: Have them born here, move them here with new families or host students from other countries, like through AFS.

One problem we have is, there aren't as many young people in town having babies. This is due, in large part, that there are not enough jobs for young people to come back to.

That's where the real problem lies for this district's future. We do need to be proactive in finding ways to save our district money, but at the same time we need to be figuring out ways we can create jobs and attract younger families to our community.

It should have been a battle cry for our city and county for many years, but it simply has taken a way back seat to issues like taxes, roads, bridges, water lines and even a new pool for those who are left to use it.

There are glimpses of hope.

The wind farm will bring in a few permanent jobs to our community and two new hospitals will at least guarantee the employment of existing families and perhaps attract a few more, but we need to think bigger.

In years past, many "big" ideas were shot down. One such idea was a pig processing plant. I'm not exactly sure that I would be supportive of this type of industry in our community.

Norm Clouse and I were visiting the other day. Surprisingly, we had been thinking along the same lines. A couple of years ago, I had mentioned to my wife and some friends that a 30-45 bed jail facility could create a needed service for the area and would create a few jobs in town.

Norm took this one step further. He asked "Why not convince someone within the state of Kansas to build a prison here?"

I think this is brilliant.

I know your first thought is, why in the world would we want to bring criminals to Medicine Lodge? Well, you wouldn't believe the numbers we already have living in our community and they are free to roam the streets. At least these folks would be locked up and supervised for the duration of their stay.

Depending on the size of a facility, their temporary homes could create job opportunities for as little as 100 people to as many as 10000 people

Crime is a big industry and it's even bigger in tough times

Maybe it's not the right idea for Medicine Lodge, but it's a forward thinking thought and one of the first I have heard in a long time. It should be pursued.

I will be honest, my initial reaction to this proposal was not positive.

I don't want to see anyone in our district lose their jobs or be forced to take pay cuts. It's a difficult time for many, including our school district.

My family lives on the far north corner of the county. My children would have very long days if we went to a 4 day week plan and I know others would too. Already, my kids get on the bus at around 7:30 a.m. on good weather days. I can't imagine how much earlier they would get on and how much later they could get home.

Fridays are our deadline day at the paper. It is impossible for us to run back and forth to our home to transport kids to events.

I guess the biggest issue is my own pride in our district. I don't want to see us move backwards. I want things to be the way they were when I graduated. I know that's not realistic. The high school was nearly at capacity then. I want to see growth, so this reason doesn't really count, but I know it is influencing my choices.

It's obvious something needs to change in order to move us forward and to insure we will have the funds needed to operate our district in future years.

You need to go to this meeting on Tuesday, November 25th and hear what Mr. Cullen has to say and if you don't like it then tell him and tell your board members. If you do like it, tell him and tell your board members, but however you feel, be prepared to be a part of some sort of solution. Let's work together to figure out how we can save money and grow in our district.

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Bob Stuttler was gracious enough to invite me and my wife over to The Grand Hotel to see the progress on the inside. All I can say is WOW! The work is amazing and some people might not realize that Bob and Dorothy will be opening a gun shop on the main floor in the very near future. This won't be your average gun shop. I believe this will attract a high caliber of people (no pun intended).

We'll try and bring you the latest on their progress as soon as it is available.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The Stuttlers are a great asset to our community and they have revived an historic icon in the center of our town and should be shown our appreciation.

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Congratulations to Representative Dennis McKinney on his new job. McKinney has taken the State Treasurer's appointment from Gov. Sebelius for Kansas. He's done such a service to our area and I hope he will be active in finding a replacement for himself. Good luck Dennis and thank you for your great service to our district.

Have a great week and Happy Thanksgiving!

It's a week past Veteran's Day, but there should never be only one day that we honor those who serve our country.

I'm always amazed at the Veteran's Program put on at the High School each year. This year was no different. Despite a few sound glitches, the program was a success.

Thank you to all the area veterans for attending even though the weather was a bit cold and nasty. It's a great thing for our kids to see you all and connect with you on that personal level.

Although she would never want any attention, Linda Hartley has served as this program's organizer for a number of years and has kept it alive and fresh each year. There are so many people that help her - too many to even mention here. They know who they are.

Two of the guest speakers were law makers. Local Representative Dennis McKinney and Congressman Jerry Moran. After Moran spoke, I saw him exit the gym and proceeded to cut him off at the pass.

I found Congressman Moran near an exit and asked him if I could have a minute of his time. I wanted him to know that I appreciated him not supporting the bailout plan and I asked him to hold accountable those who were abusing the money that the taxpayers have given them.

Just last week AIG was caught spending another $330,000+ on high end resorts for some of its executives.
I believe Moran supports the idea of accountability. We'll see what happens over the next few months.

Going back to the subject of veterans, I spoke with my friend Nathan Hunt a while back. Sgt. Hunt has served two missions in Iraq. He lives in Belle Plaine, Kansas with his wife Jeri and their kids Madelyn and Bradon.

Nate broke the news to his family and friends that he is volunteering for another mission. This time in Afghanistan. On Friday of last week, I ran across this news release. It deals with the unit that Nate will be attached to and what their mission is. I found it particularly interesting and wanted to share it with my readers.

One of the things the United States is known for is its military might, but a group of Kansas National Guardsmen will soon be demonstrating that there is more to the National Guard than that as they deploy in February 2009 to show the people of Afghanistan how to do something that Kansans are known for: farming.

A joint Kansas Army and Air National Guard team of approximately 60 personnel will go to Afghanistan next year as an Agribusiness Development Team (ADT). The team, comprised of personnel with backgrounds and expertise in various aspects of the agribusiness field, will work in conjunction with the Provincial Reconstruction Team, USAID, USDA, the Department of State and other agencies in Afghanistan’s Laghman Province. Their year-long mission is to assist in building capabilities for increased agricultural production, training and services, and improving the safety of food and other agricultural products that are produced and distributed to the Afghan people. They will also assist in the development of sustainable agriculture and other related enterprises that will increase the economic well-being of the Afghans.

The Kansas National Guard will be performing this mission in partnership with Kansas State University over a three year period to build continuity and relationships with local and regional Afghan individuals and leaders.

"This is an incredible mission for our Guard members who are again stepping up to serve," said Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. "And on this mission they are teaching the people of Afghanistan something that will benefit them and their families for years to come."

"Most people know the National Guard as defenders of freedom, but we’re also builders," said Maj. Gen. Tod Bunting, the adjutant general. "Sometimes, we build physical things, like roads and bridges, but in this case were helping to rebuild a society. These Kansas Guardsmen will assist the people of Afghanistan to develop and improve their agricultural production and storage, making life a little better for everyone."

"This is a unique opportunity for members of the Agribusiness Development Team to employ both their military and civilian skills in Afghanistan and for the people who need our assistance," said Col. Eric Peck, commander of the first Kansas ADT. "All members of the ADT are training hard to meet the mission requirements from a military perspective. We are also working with our Kansas State University partners to develop a cultural and agricultural training program that will benefit all three of the Kansas-lead teams."

The Agribusiness Development Team program is a joint effort of several federal government agencies and the National Guard. The concept has been successfully used in Central America for approximately 20 years. The first such team was deployed from Missouri to Afghanistan in February 2008 and a second was deployed from Texas in June. Four additional teams, including the one from the Kansas National Guard, will be deployed over a 12 month period.

Our newspaper did something new last week. I had attempted it once before, but it didn't work as we wanted it to.

On Tuesday, November 4, 2008 our newspaper's website did a live update of election results for Barber County. This was done in real time. Most of our updating took place within 5 minutes of election board reporting.

I was interested in seeing what kind of response we would get from that type of reporting.

I was overwhelmed.

The website received 1289 hits from 7:00 p.m. on Tuesday until 12:15 a.m. on Wednesday. I fell asleep after that and didn't check until the next morning. As of this writing, the election web page received a total number of just under 1700 hits. The website itself had 1219 views.

To put that in to perspective that's almost three times the number of hard copies we sell on the street!

This will open the door to other possibilities for the newspaper's website. We hope to one day have daily reporting and news stories, but we have to be careful to balance our website with our newsprint edition.

The article to the bottom right is from a fellow newspaper publisher, David Powls from Holton. He wrote the editorial to Kansas Publishers and I wanted to share his thoughts with my readers this week.

Have a great week!

Congratulations Barber County

for passing Resolution 2208-10

Take stand, but don’t take yourself too seriously

Hello from Holton. At this writing, we’re in the process of printing our Wednesday, Nov. 5 edition with the general election results.

My pick for president (John McCain) mirrored the majority of the state’s voters on election day but lost in the national voting.

A $21.3 million Holton school bond issue that I wrote in favor of failed on election day by a 2-1 margin.

Had I been newspapering in any other county in the Second Congressional District, I would have strongly supported Nancy Boyda’s re-election campaign. Her opponent, however, is from Holton and I know Lynn Jenkins will do a fine job at Washington, D.C., too. I editorialized it was a shame that we couldn’t send both Boyda and Jenkins to Congress. I believe that.

Another Holton High School graduate, Pat Roberts, won his U.S. Senate race against Jim Slattery. This political race also featured two good candidates.

As newspaper editors, it is tradition for us to step outside the voting booth curtains and tell our readers how we plan to vote – knowing full well we’re opening up ourselves to the possible business backlash that can come when a customer (or customers) disagrees with us. I’m sure you know what I mean.

At times like these, I think about the life and times of longtime Garnett newspaper editor George Clasen, now deceased.

I grew up in Garnett. Clasen provided me with my first real newspaper job (an internship). My parents often did not agree with the opinions that editor Clasen voiced in The Garnett Review and Anderson Countian. But when Clasen retired, many Garnett residents, including my parents, commented that they really missed him and his opinions – even if they did disagree with him much of the time!

I often write in The Holton Recorder that it’s OK for readers to disagree with me and remain on friendly terms with me.

I also often write that the opinions of the paper are printed on the Opinion Page only.

In community journalism, we strive to provide our readers with both sides of important issues – in every story – all the time.

In fact, a news story is not complete until it provides both sides to every issue.

If we’re doing our jobs as newspaper reporters, readers should not know how we feel about either side of an issue.

Someone a long time ago told me that community journalism is the most difficult career I would ever love. That has been the case for me. As all newspaper editors know, every day in this business brings new stories to write and new advertising messages to sell for the paper.

I believe it’s important for newspaper editors – especially those of us in smaller communities – to continue writing editorials on political issues and races and other important local issues (like school bond issues, for example). There are many places for people in our communities to turn for news these days but not a lot of others willing to take a stand on important community issues of the day.

Some final advice about editorial writing in a small community: Do your homework first. Consult with experts on your subjects. Understand the issue you’re writing about; avoid those issues you don’t.

Trust your judgment on what’s best for your community. Never be too stubborn to admit mistakes when you make them.

…And when your favorite presidential candidate does not win and the school bond you supported fails, don’t take it too seriously.

David Powls is president of the Kansas

Press Association for 2008-09.

You'll be thinking, "welcome to the 21st century Kevin."

My wife and I took a little trip last week for her birthday. Her birthday is actually today, but we celebrated a week early because it fit into the Dallas Cowboys' home game schedule!

Our trip included a visit to Deep Ellum, the old warehouse district in downtown Dallas, and a visit to my Uncle Gary's ranch outside of Ft. Worth.

Although Ronda is from the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, things have changed some in the 23 years since she's left that area. We knew we'd have to rely on maps and instructions to find the points of interest for our trip.

My buddy Dale McCurdy has used a GPS for years with his traveling to various cities around the country and swears by one. We learned that Dan and Val Dutton had a Garmin Nuvi and we asked if we could borrow it for the weekend. They were gracious and we set out on our trip with this neat little gadget.

All we had to do was enter an address and the lady inside the small device took over navigation for us.

"Drive 1 mile and exit left," she spoke to us.

This was incredible! We were finding everything we needed just be listening to this soft spoken electronic female.

And when we got to where we were going, she was elated! "Arriving at destination," she said! You could practically hear the joy in her electronic voice.

It wasn't long before Ronda detected my affection for my new girlfriend. She would give me directions and I would thank her and soon it was evident that we were becoming friends.

"Should we eat Mexican," I asked Ronda?

"I don't know. Why don't you ask your girlfriend," she huffed.

It was apparent to me that she was jealous of my new friendship.

As with any new relationship, the new began to wear off. After four days of, "Recalculating and Course Correction" I found we were growing apart. We learned that when you don't follow her directions, she gets a little snippy.

Although she was wonderful at getting us around in Dallas, she lacked some necessary skills needed in order for our friendship to grow.

I asked her about politics, she didn't answer. Anywhere I wanted to eat seemed to be fine with her. It was like she didn't really care. Once when I asked for a restaurant she led us to a couple that had obviously been closed for quite some time. There were also a couple of times she intentionally told us to exit where there were no exits.

I could feel the tension growing on our way to our hotel one evening when I told Ronda, "I'll be leaving the girlfriend in the car tonight."

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Look how happy she looks!

Ronda's special weekend in Dallas wouldn't have been possible if it weren't for her Dad and Stepmom Don and Linda Vick, Dale and Michele McCurdy, John Nixon (for watching the boys) and throwing them scraps of food), Joey and Frank (for not trashing our house while we were gone), Sarah and Dwain Richert (for keeping Nick), Grandma MeMe, Dan and Val Dutton (for the GPS/girlfriend, Pete (for his wireless Internet card), the acadamy (for nominating me for this.... oops, wrong speech)........ and my staff here at the Premiere for kicking it up a notch and helping me get the paper done early so we could leave on Friday.

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Ronda! I hope it was the best birthday you ever had. We love you!!!! I love you!!!!

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On an interesting side note to this story, I told my mom last week we were going to stay in Oklahoma City on Friday night to break up the trip to Dallas. She said, "Me too!"

What a coincidence....

I told her we were staying at the Biltmore Hotel and she said, "ME TOO!"

That was too strange.

I told her we were staying in room 229 on the second floor and she said, "We're staying on the ground level."

Wow....That was close! lol....

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We'll be voting for president tomorrow. I don't know how much of a chance McCain has at beating the Obama Money Machine.

You would have thought that Obama would have graciously given McCain some of that extra money he earned in the last days of the election to help him out in the polls, but that would have been a redistribution of HIS wealth! lol.....

We ran into this guy in the parking lot at the Dallas Cowboy's game. He might have something going here......

No matter who wins or how the bond issue turns out this election, on Wednesday, we'll all still be Americans and we'll all still be residents of Barber County. We have to work hard to improve our current situations nationally and locally.

Have a great week!

I've probably written about this before, but October and November are big birthday months in my family. It starts with my daughter, Breeann on the 3rd of October, then I have one the next day on the 4th of October. For my birthday, we went to Amarillo, TX to see Dale and Michele McCurdy's new home and to go and completely destroy my left knee hiking in Palo Duro Canyon! It was a beautiful canyon that I easily climbed. It was going down that got me.

We get a couple of week's break from the birthdays and then it's my son Joey's birthday.

And an important birthday it is for him on Wednesday, October 28th. This week my oldest son turns 16 years old. Along with that right of passage comes his legal driver's license. I'm sure Joey is dreaming of trips to town without making up excuses as to why he is always on a farm errand. Joey, you can unload the livestock and grain out of the back of the pickup and take your first legal lap around the square on me buddy. Happy 16th Birthday!

And then, just a week later, it's my wife's birthday on November 3rd.

Without telling you her age, this year is a particularly dark birthday for my wife. I wanted it to be something more special for her than black balloons and tombstones around her desk, so I contacted her father in El Paso, Texas. Ronda had mentioned to me that she had never been to a Dallas Cowboy's football game and I knew right away that was what we would be doing for her birthday. Ronda's dad hooked us up with tickets and hotel rooms as our birthday gifts and our friends and former Medicine Lodge residents Dale and Michele McCurdy, mentioned earlier, joined us all the way from Amarillo, TX for a tailgating party at Texas Stadium this weekend complete with adjoining seats in the stadium to watch the Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. our beloved Dallas Cowboys, who have strugled the last few weeks with the injury of their Quarter Back Tony Romo.

Romo, Oh Romo, Wherefore art thou throw Romo? Your Dallas Cowboys need you. We had hoped you would play, but I'm betting we watched you on the sideline.

By the time you read this, we'll be on our way back from Texas, where Ronda grew up until she moved to Kansas in the mid-80s. If all goes as planned, we'll have stopped along the way to see some of her old classmates and a stop to see my Uncle Gary Noland. Gary used to be in Medicine Lodge in the late 60s-early 70s running the Barber County Index with my grandfather Bill Noland. My uncle now raises and trains horses in Fort Worth, TX, a far cry away from the days of slinging ink.

It's a trip we've been anticipating since Ronda first guessed what her surprise was going to be for her birthday earlier this month.

You see, it was supposed to be a game where I gave her clues each day to guess what she was getting for her birthday. I gave her three to start with. Here they were.

1). It's more than five hours away.

2). You can sit down or stand up at it.

3). It's inside but it's also outside.

She said, "YOU'RE TAKING ME TO A DALLAS COWBOY'S FOOTBALL GAME!!!"

I guess with age, she has also gained intuition, because I didn't think the clues were that easy!

Ronda's actual birthday is on Monday, November 3rd, 2008. So be sure to wish her a happy birthday. I love you Ronda. I hope you have a great birthday!

It won't be long after that and we'll be celebrating Wang Haji's birthday. "Frank", as we call him, is our AFS student from East China and he will be celebrating his 17th birthday with his host family on November 23rd.

Best wishes to Deana Horn who left us last week for a new job. Erin Jones will be writing for the Premiere starting this week and we're excited to welcome her on board.

Only one more week before the elections. My predictions: Obama / Biden, two new hospitals for Barber County???

Have a great week!

I'm going to steal some words from one of our readers this week.

Bill Robbins of Pratt called me for our annual conversation about such things as the hospital bond issue, the school district, 99 Springs and Lake Arrowhead roads and the economy in general.

Bill made an interesting point. The stock market woes have forced big oil to lower fuel costs and this benefits Americans. This comes just in time. They'll now be able to afford gas money to drive to bankruptcy court.

The economy isn't looking so good now is it?

Here’s how bad the economy really is. There are now Americans taking jobs away from illegal aliens.

And it is pretty scary looking at our financial problems in this country. Doesn’t it make you yearn for the good old days when we were just worried about oil hitting 150 bucks a barrel?

At this writing, I'm afraid to tell you what the market is doing. It dropped almost 800 points one day, picked up 600 the next and then dropped like another 700. I can't even add and subtract quick enough to keep up.

I, like many of you, lost a little bit of my retirement last week on the roller coaster ride that is our stock market. I don't really understand how my money magically disappears when the market goes down. I'm sure that someone out there is smart enough to explain it to me in laymen's terms, but for the moment I'll share my confusion.

When your average person goes to the bank and asks for money for a home, for instance, the bank checks your credit score, looks at your liability vs. collateral, your income and the inside of your colon (in most instances, unless you get one of those sweetheart mortgages I hear so much in the news about). Then they decide whether you are approved, or not, and then you are required to pay back the bank with interest.

When your average person invests in the stock market, companies take your money and, in some cases, pay you dividends on your money. In other cases, they lose it and they don't have to give you back anything. I guess I just don't understand how that is fair.

Short of burying my money in a coffee can in the yard, I really don't know how to invest safely and receive the best return on my money.

But I don't need to panic.

"Knock, knock, knock."

Who is it?

"We're from the government. We're here to help."

Well thank God! The government, in all its wisdom, has bailed out the banks and the system that I still don't understand!

This is irony. Congress said recently, "The days of getting money just for the asking are over!" And then they asked for and somehow got $700 billion.

The reason for the financial problem is simple. Not only is the United States deep in debt, but the federal government itself has access to far less than the $700 billion it has promised. In fact, right now the federal government only has like $51.75 in the bank. Think of the overdraft charges they are going to get on a $700 billion check!

AIG was given $85 billion dollars as well. They're going to get another $35 billion in assistance. Upon this news, their executives followed through with a planned retreat and spent $440,000 at some luxurious spa. Saturday Night Live said it best, "That was kind of like learning of grandma's death, but still having her birthday party three days later!"

We should treat the federal government like I treat my college student daughter. I put a certain amount of money on her debit card every week. If she spends it all before the next deposit, tough. If she has a surplus, good for her!

Well, at least we have someone to blame in all this mess. According to Democrats, it's the Republicans who are to blame and according to the Republicans, it's the Democrats who are to blame. That clears things up for me.

Have a great week!

I'm taking a break from writing this week and giving up my space for a very important announcement about Breast Cancer.

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I applaud the efforts of the folks at the Shaggy Shack for their efforts to raise awareness and money for cancer research. I hope you'll take the time to read the story on the main page and the story below.

Have a great week!

October 6, 2008 – As the nation marks the annual National Breast Cancer Awareness Month this October, the American Cancer Society is encouraging women to fight breast cancer by taking charge of their personal breast health and supporting efforts against the disease. The Society is reminding women 40 and older about the importance of getting a mammogram annually to detect breast cancer in its earliest, most treatable stage. An estimated 182,460 new cases of invasive breast cancer are expected to occur among women in the U.S. in 2008, and about 40,480 deaths are expected.

Studies clearly show that early detection of breast cancer through mammography greatly improves treatment options, the chances for successful treatment and survival. Early-stage breast cancer typically produces no symptoms when the tumor is small and most treatable, so it is important that women follow recommended guidelines for finding breast cancer before the symptoms develop. On average, mammography will detect about 80 percent to 90 percent of breast cancers in women without symptoms.

"Survival rates for breast cancer are significantly higher when the cancer has not spread," said Kirsten Bruce, manager, health initiative field support, at the American Cancer Society. "Numerous studies have shown that early detection increases treatment options and can save lives. That is why it is so important for women 40 and older to get an annual mammogram."

The American Cancer Society recommends yearly mammograms and clinical breast exams for women 40 and older and a clinical breast examination at least once every three years for women between the ages of 20 and 39. The Society also recommends magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) for certain women at high risk. Women at moderate risk should talk with their doctors about the benefits and limitations of adding MRI screening to their yearly mammogram.

While we do not yet know how to prevent breast cancer, we do know that women who maintain a healthy weight, eat a well-balanced diet, and are physically active 45 to 60 minutes on five or more days of the week can reduce their risk of breast cancer. Also, limiting alcohol consumption can reduce breast cancer risk – two or more drinks a day may increase breast cancer risk by 21 percent.

The American Cancer Society and its partner advocacy organization, the American Cancer Society Cancer Action NetworkSM (ACS CAN), continue to engage in activities to increase funding for the National Breast and Cervical Cancer Early Detection Program (NBCCEDP). This important program provides low-income, uninsured and underinsured women access to mammograms, Pap tests, follow-up care and treatment when needed. Current funding only enables the program to serve one in five eligible women ages 50 to 64 nationwide, and for the first time since the program's inception, fewer women are now being served due to flat funding rates and cuts in funding over the past five years.

This lifesaving program cannot be fully realized if eligible women can not get early detection tests due to insufficient funding. ACS CAN encourages anyone touched by this disease to let Congress know that support for the NBCCEDP is important and that an increase in funding for this program, to $250 million this year, is vital to its continuation. The faster members of Congress make their commitment of support, the better the program can serve more of our mothers, sisters, daughters and friends. To get involved, or to learn more about this effort, please visit http://www.acscan.org/makingstrides.

The American Cancer Society has invested more than $352 million in breast cancer research grants since 1972, and has been an important part of nearly every major breast cancer research breakthrough of the past century, including the use of tamoxifen to reduce the risk of first or second breast cancer occurrences. The American Cancer Society Cancer Action Network is also active in the fight against breast cancer, mobilizing more than 100,000 volunteers to defeat legislation that would have allowed insurance companies to remove laws guaranteeing cancer screening coverage for women who need it. ACS CAN continues to support legislation that would improve the quality of treatment for breast cancer patients and the quality of life for breast cancer survivors.

The American Cancer Society is dedicated to eliminating cancer as a major health problem by saving lives, diminishing suffering, and preventing cancer through research, education, advocacy, and service. Founded in 1913 and with national headquarters in Atlanta, the Society has 13 regional Divisions and local offices in 3,400 communities, involving millions of volunteers across the United States. For more information anytime, call toll free 1-800-ACS-2345 or visit www.cancer.org.

ACS CAN is the nonprofit, nonpartisan partner advocacy organization of the American Cancer Society, dedicated to eliminating cancer as a major health problem. ACS CAN works to encourage lawmakers, candidates and government officials to support laws and policies that will make cancer a top national priority. ACS CAN gives ordinary people extraordinary power to fight cancer. For more information, visit www.acscan.org.

I love a good rock concert. I've paid as much as $150 for a ticket to see the Eagles live back in 2000. That's a lot of money to see a concert, but nothing compared to a ticket to see Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen together.

The entry level tickets are $500 and if you want, you can pay as much as $10,000 to the benefit concert.

Who doesn't love a good benefit concert? Raising money for things like fighting disease, hunger, poverty, saving the planet are all worthy causes.

But this concert isn't about saving anything. It's an Obama fund-raiser.

That's right.

"The Piano Man" and "The Boss", are joining forces to raise money for Obama's campaign.

Obama plans to attend the musical fund-raisers at Hammerstein Ballroom on Oct. 16, the day after Obama's final debate with John McCain at Hofstra University, located several miles outside the city in Hempstead, N.Y.

Good ole Obama - just your regular guy - like everyone can afford $10,000 for a concert ticket.

Is this concert even worth $500? Are you kidding me? WHO in the "middle class", as Obama keeps saying he represents, can afford that? The middle class will not be seeing this concert - only all of those "horrible" people who made more than 250K that Obama wants to tax.

Fortunately for me, these are two of my least favorite artists - EVER. I won't be attending, and it's not just because I can't afford it. It makes me ill to think about any artists gathering to raise money for politics. Poor Obama only raised just over $64 million in the past month.

Of course this is almost as sad as listening to McCain belt out "Bomb-bomb-bomb... bomb-bomb Iran".

? ? ? ?

The Republican National Committee did have a little fun with the Springsteen-Joel concert announcement last Tuesday, at Obama's expense.

"While John McCain is working to bring Republicans and Democrats together, Barack Obama was working to bring rock stars together," RNC spokesman Alex Conant said.

? ? ? ?

Thank God none of the bands I really like care much about stuff like this.

I wish rock stars would come together for worthy causes - not to get a candidate elected. Maybe I could organize some benefits.....,

- "The Cure and Asia - Bailing Out The Banks - 2008"

- "Heart for Hurricane Victims"

- "Fat Boy Slim against Hunger"

- "Big and Rich against Poverty"

- "Britney Spears' `Toxic' - China's Milk and Toys Tour"

- "Duran Duran against Iran"

- "REM's `It's The End Of The World As We Know It' - N. Korean Nuclear benefit"

- "The Beatles `Back in the USSR' - rebuilding Russia's empire - world tour opening in The Republic of Georgia"

- "Snoop Dog for the humane treatment of animals - Special Guest: The Stray Cats"

- "Huey Lewis & The News for unbiased reporting"

- "Simple Plan - to fix our economic problems followed by The All American Rejects"

- "Bon Jovi - 'Wanted Dead Or Alive' find Osama Bin Laden Tour."

- "The Kinks, working out problems in Congress"

- "The Clash `Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now', Iraq 2008 tour"

I could only hope that we all agree that we should leave politics to the politicians and music to the musicians.

So, what am I listening to on my Ipod?

Ironically.....

"The Presidents of the United States of America". Yes, it's a real band and I really like them. You can visit their website and listen to their silly music at www.presidentsrock.com.

Have a great week - Republicans and Democrats alike!

Several folks called me last week concerning an editorial that was written by J.W. Keene, Editor of the Index.

Thursday, September 18, Keene made it clear how he feels about the upcoming bond proposed by the hospitals of Barber County in his column "Another View".

Keene seems to focus his column on the expense and operation of these facilities and the communities' need (or lack thereof) for two hospitals in our county.

He says we should, "flip a coin" and shut down one of the old facilities, in either community and build one new hospital instead of two - with a transfer station, or clinic in the other community.

In October of 2005, I had blockage in my heart that caused me to have an (acute) myocardial infarction, or heart attack. My condition, so rare for my age, was difficult to diagnose and I only had minutes before I was in serious trouble. If not for the doctor and staff at MLMH, I would have died.

I'm grateful that I did not end up at a transfer station where I would have been shipped to another facility to be evaluated again and sent on to another facility. A possible transfer I would have gotten, if Mr. Keene's option was a reality, was a transfer to the mortuary. I was given big-city care in my small-town hospital and I'm alive today to write about it.

We're very fortunate to have competent staff in both Kiowa and Medicine Lodge. I know that neither community would be in favor of giving up its hospital.

So, I do understand the importance of having good health care facilities in my community. It is not only a crucial service for our citizens, but it provides jobs to many families in our county. I guess if we took Mr. Keene's advice, we could shut one hospital down, lay off 30-50 people and have them move away. The schools would lose additional students and their homes would become empty. What would that do to our tax base over 20 years? Heck, maybe we could just shut the entire county down and we could all move to Pratt.....

I've lived here for 36 years. I own commercial and real estate property in Barber County and I pay my taxes, as painful as they are, just like many of you. I don't pretend to like it and I certainly am not in favor of a "bridge to nowhere" project.

But I don't believe that is what we're talking about here.

We're talking about fixing aging hospital facilities and a future investment in our communities. We have seen progress, despite tough economic times. For example, we have a booming oil industry and the new wind farm is bringing money to our local economy. Yes, our population is aging, but this is another reason we should be investing in our county's health infrastructure.

I don't believe that Barber County's hospital future should be left to a coin toss, especially at the suggestion of someone who:

a) doesn't even live in Barber County

b) doesn't own any personal property in Barber County that I am aware of

c) works for a company that doesn't own any real estate in Barber County and contributes very little to the tax base or the local economy for that matter. I'll take that one step further. The Index, who Mr. Keene so boldly writes for, isn't even owned by a Kansas corporation.

I'm also a parent of a college student. I'm neither in the medical field or associated with one or both of the hospitals in question.

"....a legal way to stuff the ballot box...." His comments about parents escorting their college students in for absentee ballots were snide. My daughter has lived here for 18 years and stands to one day inherit oil royalties and property in Barber County.

Even though she is currently away at college, she has every right to vote on an important issue that will directly effect what she will one day pay in taxes. Her address is Medicine Lodge. She was born at the Medicine Lodge Memorial Hospital and went to school here for 12 years. So proponents take note. Your children do have the right to vote - for or against this issue.

Finally Mr. Keene, I offer you the following suggestions:

a) move here, pay taxes here and we'd love to hear your opinion on our community

b) have your company make an actual contribution to this community - rather than take any profit it makes and send it on to an out-of-town, out-of-state owned corporation

c) Pass or fail, leave it to the constituents of Barber County.

Respectfully, Kevin Noland

If two-ply toilet paper is good, then three-ply tissue must be better. At least that's what toilet-paper researchers in northeastern Wisconsin hope.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Industry analyst Bill Schmitz is skeptical. He said extra layers make toilet paper stronger, not softer, although he said Georgia Pacific may have added extra fibers for softness

How nice, now Exploration Place can have better TP to go with their "poop" exhibit!

That's right, I said "poop" exhibit.....

The sign announcing Exploration Place's newest exhibit features a silhouette of an African hyena at sunset squatting and ........ taking a dump!

Poop.

Manure.

Crap.

Go ahead and giggle, says Christina Bluml, communications manager for the museum.

It's a common reaction to "The Scoop on Poop," a traveling exhibit based on the book by science writer Wayne Lynch. It opened at the museum Saturday.

"The Scoop on Poop: The Science of What Animals Leave Behind" provides a look at the sometimes disgusting, often fascinating world of animal excrement.

If you've never taken in an exhibit at The Exporation Place, it's worth a trip.

Sean McAnarney, my son Joey and I recently went to the "Our Body: The Universe Within," which opened in May at the science center and was scheduled to end Oct. 12. Now the world-famous but somewhat controversial exhibit has been extended through Jan. 11.

I was impressed with the exhibit and a little bit grossed out, but not as grossed out as my son who finished the $25 tour in less than 10 minutes, keeping his eyes to the floor through the maze of body parts. Joey was a nice shade of greenish-white after Sean and I spent about an hour and a half touring the exhibit.

"Our Body" includes 17 full bodies and 150 body parts with cutaway views to allow peeks into the human body's systems -- skeletal, muscular, nervous, digestive, respiratory, cardiovascular, urinary, endocrine and reproductive.

Trust me, unless you are a doctor, medical student or a pathologist, you've never seen the human body like this. A couple of words of advice: 1) Eat before you go, you may not be hungry afterwards and 2) No cell phones, cameras or recording devices inside the exhibit. They mean this and if your phone is out, you will be asked to leave the exhibit. It's out of respect for those who have donated their bodies to this exhibit.

On it's worst day, the exhibit has attracted 150 people- impressive, considering that this is the Exploration Place's priciest exhibit ever at $25 a pop (That made it like a $125 an hour for Joey's tour).

But can the poop exhibit attract more than just flies?

"The Scoop on Poop" leads visitors on an investigation of what poop is and how animals use it -- to build homes, hide from enemies, send messages, cool off and attract mates. It also explores the way wildlife conservationists, paleontologists, farmers, Maasai people and others make use of animal waste.

Turns out, you can learn a lot about an animal by examining what it leaves behind, but I'll bet it's hard to do it with a straight face.

So the exhibit claims it packages its science with hearty doses of humor -- euphemisms, sound effects, even smell effects -- but nothing outrageously gross or offensive, unlike my column.

I, being a guy, am fascinated by the subject matter, but have little interest in paying $8 to view excrement, but that probably won't stop the general public's view of the fun topic - #2.

Have a great week!

In an effort to finding a cause that no one has yet championed, I am going black!

No, not green, black.

For some time now we earthlings have been cluttering up outer space with our litter and not many are paying attention to the damage we are doing to our own orbit.

While we're all busy trying to save the planet from our wasteful habits, we're shooting thousands of objects into our atmosphere every year that could one day rain down on us in fiery destruction or worse, take out our satellite TV. Frightening, isn't it?

We've ignored this problem for far too long and I call on people like Al Gore and Barb Keltner to take a stand against orbiting trash!

But what can we do?

First, we will need some sort of spokesman or mascot. I have a vision of a commercial. In this commercial is an astronaut on a space walk. The camera pans to his face. He lifts his helmet's shield and is seen with a tear in his eye as a space shuttle flies by and another astronaut is throwing trash out the window.

According to studies, nearly 10,000 pieces of space litter were catalogued at the end of 2008. They break into the following categories:

* 40% -- miscellaneous fragments

* 22% -- old spacecraft

* 13% -- mission related objects

* 7% -- operational spacecraft

* 7% -- rocket bodies

* 1% -- McDonald's styrofoam coffee cups

We've been trashing space around our planet since the 1950s and it's an "out of sight - out of mind" mentality.

My wife would say, "If you are done using that satellite in outer space and want to put a new one up there, you should take the old one down first."

Earth has probably been visited by extraterrestrials who thought we were just too messy to make contact with! Or maybe they made the attempt to visit our planet, but were killed by garbage that struck their space ships at some 17,000 m.p.h.

It's not bad enough that we're leaving trash in space. Now countries are turning space into a shooting gallery and making smaller, faster moving pieces of trash for future generations to contend with. For example, China recently shot down a weather satellite that orbited almost 500 miles above the earth.

The worst part about this, though, is that we are now one step closer to seeing the Kessler Syndrome start to manifest itself. The Kessler Syndrome is basically an orbital doomsday scenario that cuts off mankind’s access to space for thousands of years. The way it works is, some random collision occurs, creating many bits of space debris in orbit. These debris, in turn, end up hitting other things, shredding them, creating even more debris, in a Domino-like fashion.

Eventually, everything in orbit is utterly destroyed, and the space around Earth is so polluted with space junk that it is impossible to even launch anything anymore, as it would be destroyed by random impacts almost immediately upon exiting the atmosphere.

The scary thing is, the Kessler syndrome is already possible with the current amount of hardware we have in space. Luckily, almost all of it is up there in large controlled chunks, but all it could take is one apocalyptic collision to set a terrible chain of events into motion.

Once the Kessler Syndrome takes effect, the only solution with current technology is to wait it out, letting the space debris hit each other, lose momentum, and gradually burn up in the atmosphere. The process takes thousands of years before low orbit is safe to travel again.

So the next time you see trash, and do pick it up, think about the clutter in space and think about the future generations of young astronauts that probably will only dream of the days that we could go into outer space.

And think about that astronaut with the tear in his eye.

Have a great week and SAVE OUTER SPACE!

Last week we brought you a feature on Kali Thompson, a 7th grader at MLMS who has decided to play football on the boys' football team.

I congratulate her courage and desire to play the game.

We've tossed around the subject of mixing gender in boys' and girls' sports here in our office this week.

We don't all agree.

But since none of the others in my office have a column space this week, you get to hear my opinion!

I'm all about equal rights for everyone. I mean everyone, but let's not take it too far. This young lady wants to play football. I think there is probably a place on the team for her, but I question how this will promote fair competition in school sports and what it teaches our children.

Whether she provides an advantage or a disadvantage to the team, she's changed the rules of play.

What if we were to reverse roles here? What would happen if a few boys wanted to play girls' volleyball? Would that be okay? Do we now disrupt the normal procedure for all sports and activities in our district to allow cross gender competition?

Already there are issues with allowing Kali to play football. She obviously can't shower with the other boys. Special accommodations will need to be provided to meet her needs.

This is just one of many problems I can see, but it's really not my point.

In communities where there are no other sports offered to girls, I can see girls and boys playing together on the same team - as long as they are playing other teams that are equally balanced with both boys and girls. You see this a lot in the smaller city recreation leagues for games like soccer  and flag football.

America is becoming gender challenged. Take for example the Park Day School of Oakland.

Teachers at the private Oakland elementary school have stopped asking the children to line up according to sex when walking to and from class. They now let boys play girls and girls play boys in skits. And there's a unisex bathroom.

Park Day's gender-neutral metamorphosis happened over the past few years, as applications began coming in for kindergartners who claim they didn't fit on either side of the gender line. One girl enrolled as a boy, and there were other children who didn't dress or act in gender-typical ways. Last year the school hired a consultant to help the staff accommodate these new students.

I hate to sound old fashioned, but this wasn't a problem when I was in school. We didn't need consultants to tell teachers how to deal with being a boy or being a girl. If you weren't sure you were a boy or a girl, the school nurse could tell you.

I realize we live in a more "sensitive" society now, but I don't believe that we should put gender-challenged kids in the same category as special needs students, such as those in wheel chairs. Spending thousands of dollars of taxpayer money to put in a special bathroom for Billy, because he doesn't know if he should stand up or sit down when he uses the toilet, is ridiculous in my opinion! (Start your hate mail here...)

God created man and woman and they are very different. That's evident in nature and offering special treatment and preference to those who feel "out of place" with God-given organs discriminates against everyone else.

I haven't taken the time to sit down and ask Kali, her team mates, her coach or any other faculty or school board official about their feelings on this subject. Everyone may be fine with her playing football. Or maybe everyone is so timid these days that they are afraid of possibility of legal action if she's not allowed to play.

My column absolutely does not question Kali being gender challenged either. I think she just wanted to play football. Unfortunately, we didn't have a girls' football team and there isn't one in the league.

Sadly, I think it's a small step towards complacency and giving in to social acceptance. I assume that years ago the girls volleyball team was created for girls as a way to include girls in sports during football season. I hope we'll have enough girls to keep a team one day in the future.

Have a great week!

I love to go fishing, but I rarely have a good time doing it.

This is one category of my life where I would be stripped of my "father of the year" badge and flogged publicly for my lack of patience if judged.

If I even so much as utter the word "fishing" my kids will go crazy. They love to fish too. Actually, they love the idea of fishing. My boys will spend hours organizing their lures in their tackle boxes and setting up their poles for the big event.

Every fishing experience we have ever had together has ended in disaster, but for some reason, I still make the attempt to have the perfect fishing experience with them.

Joey is almost 16 now and he can pretty much handle himself with baiting, catching and releasing, but if he doesn't catch something within 10 minutes, he's bored and throwing things in the water, scaring off the fish. Nicholas, who is 10, still thinks he needs dad's assistance at baiting the hook, and releasing the fish (if and when caught) and pretty much everything else involved with fishing. Nicholas will marathon fish even if he doesn't catch anything. He will however, change what he's fishing with every other cast and if I don't put the lure on his pole for him, I can pretty much count on it being lost on the first cast.

Last Tuesday Kenny Joe Rinke wanted to go fishing and I decided that since I live 30 yards from a pond, I should probably invite him. Of course, I needed to bring the boys (including Frank, our AFS student from China).

We loaded up the boys, the poles, the tackle and the dog and drove around to the backside of the pond to get ourselves set up. I hadn't been fishing all year and since we'd had so much rain, the pond was overgrown with brush and was difficult to access from the bank on that side.

We had to spend a few minutes tutoring Frank on the fishing pole's operations, but within a few casts he'd figured it out and was just thrilled to cast and have his lure actually land in the water and not in a tree.

We decided to walk around to the other side, closer to our house, where we could actually walk up to the water's edge. To get there, we had to cross through the Amazon jungle. Nicholas and I were in sandals and now covered with chigger bites. The bug spray was back in the truck.

So far, so good.

Joey fished for about ten minutes, didn't get a bite and was bored. He started throwing stuff and caught dragon flies with the fishing net. He walked back to the truck to take a nap.

Nicholas had me rebaiting his hook every five minutes and then broke his pole. He was frustrated because he was itchy and didn't want to walk clear back to the truck to get another pole.

By this time Kenny Joe had caught about 7 bass and was having a great time. I had cast maybe 3 times and had caught nothing. He could see I wasn't having much fun and he put his pole down and opened his tackle box to get me one of his "prize" lures.

At that moment, my dog decided to check out what he was doing and tripped over his fishing pole. The lure hooked him on the right shoulder and he took off running through the trees with my buddy's fishing pole dragging behind him.

Kenny Joe caught up with the pole and attempted to reel in my German Shepherd, Hyde. Hyde zigzagged through some trees and I yelled at Kenny Joe to break the line before he webbed himself in there.

He broke the line and we caught up to my scared dog, who was all tangled up in the trees. Hyde had been hooked pretty good. It was all the way through with the barb poking out the other side. Attempts at pulling the hook back through were futile and only resulted in me getting bit three times.

After getting the dog calmed down, we found some side cutters and we were able to cut the barb off and pull it back through. The dog was fine and we picked up Kenny Joe's pole and went back to fishing.

I had not even cast my pole once and the reel snapped off the pole. I couldn't believe this was happening.

Kenny Joe was up to 10 fish at this point and I was trampling back through the jungle to find another fishing pole, swatting off gnats and other flying, biting insects.

By the time I got there, it was dark, but I could hear laughter coming from at least one of the boys. It was Frank.

Frank was just thrilled to be casting. He didn't catch a thing, but was happy to just make the lure go in the pond.

I am thinking he almost had the perfect fishing experience, less the actual catching the fish part......

Fishing stats:

Fish Bites Lures Broken Poles Trees

Kenny Joe - 10 25 3 0 0

Kevin 0 3 3 1 1

Nicholas - 0 0 30 1 0

Joey - 0 0 2 0 0

Frank 0 1 1 0 4

Have a great week!

Sunday was a bitter sweet day for Ronda and I and the family.

We packed up my daughter's belongings and moved her to the dorms at PCC. She's now a full time student, living on campus away from home. We realize it's only 30 miles away, but it might as well be a world away.

We helped her unload, went to lunch, an orientation for the parents and then went back to her room to say good-bye. I hugged her and reminded her that we were close if she needed anything and to have fun, but to remember that she was there to be a student and to make good grades.

As we were leaving the dorms Breeann had a sad look on her face.

"Dad, will you call me around 10 p.m. tonight," she asked?

I got a little choked up, hugged her again and we left for home. I couldn't help but think about my little girl sitting on the floor of her dorm room unpacking her things all alone.

Breeann's roommate won't be on campus until late September because she's in the Army, but she has two other girls that share the bathroom in the connecting room.

I watched the clock all day long and paced around waiting for 10 p.m. I wasn't going to call her a minute earlier. Finally, the time was right for my supportive phone call.

It rang, and it rang and it rang. No answer. I tried the dorm room and still no answer.

About ten minutes passed and my phone received a text message.

"Sorry Dad, real busy. Having fun with my new friends. Talk to you tomorrow."

Her home sickness lasted all of about 30 minutes that day. We're so happy that she's having fun.

She called on Monday to tell me that she was doing great, slept well and loved being in College. I told her I missed her and she cut me off saying, "I've got to go Dad, me and my friends are going to a picnic!"

Shortly after hanging up the phone I received another call. The lady on the phone said her name was Peggy Schneider with AFS.

"Kevin, I got your name from John Nixon," she said.

I just groaned.

We had discussed taking an exchange student for the 2009-2010 school year. Our plan was to "take a year off" after getting Breeann off to college.

Peggy explained that she had four students from various countries that did not get placed in homes and since she knew that we were interested in hosting, she wondered if we would take a student.

I politely told her "no".

"Can I at least send you their profiles," she asked?

This is where I could have said no, but I didn't. And now we have a new son and brother, Haiji Wang, or "Frank" as he would like to be called.

It's been a whirlwind week for us. After receiving our daughter's blessing, we had phone interviews, forms to fill out and then an orientation about the AFS program. Frank moved into our home on Wednesday evening and enrolled in school on Thursday morning.

Medicine Lodge is hosting 4 exchange students this year and we'll feature each one of them: Simon, Alex ( this is starting out to sound like the line up of the chipmunks) Manuel and Haiji or "Frank". This week, we'll introduce you to Simon who is from Switzerland and is staying with John Nixon (who indiscriminately gives out people's cell phone numbers.)

I wish I could tell you all about Frank, but we just met Wednesday evening. I can tell you he is from China, speaks very good English and is very, very intelligent. His father is a sea captain and his mother is an accountant. Some of his classes include Physics, Chemistry, Advanced Art and he's taking an upper-level math course. Frank is polite, struggles with combination locks and has a good sense of humor. We're excited to learn about another culture and share in the experience of AFS.

I'll deal with John later.

Have a great week!

This week our family was busy with moving. No, we're not moving. My daughter is.

Breeann has moved to her new home, which is in a dorm room at PCC in Pratt, KS. It's not too far away, but she's no longer home with her mom and dad and brothers. Her brothers aren't complaining, but I'm sure we're all going to miss her.

I sort of feel like the papa bird taking my young chick over the edge of the nest and dropping her (I know, it's usually the mom bird). She'll either have to learn to fly or she'll hit the ground. Oh wait, maybe there's a point to this story that her mother and I are supposed to catch her before she hits the ground!

Anyway, it's an overwhelming experience to have a child leave home.

Breeann is studying Elementary Education. She wants to be a school teacher one day. Study hard, Breeann. You can do it!

Summer break is over and school is back in session. It seems like it went so fast. I want to welcome back all of the students and faculty of USD# 254. We have a lot of new faces in the district. Be sure you stop and make them feel welcome when you see them.

Have a great week!

Special delivery!

SEATTLE - A 6-foot-tall, 250-pound letter carrier is campaigning for the right to take off his pants. Dean Peterson wants the U.S. Postal Service to add kilts as a uniform option for men.

The idea was soundly defeated in July at a convention of his union, the 220,000-member National Letter Carriers' Association, so Peterson knows convincing management will be an uphill struggle, but at least he'll be comfortable in his kilt, or Male Unbifurcated Garment.

"In one word, it's comfort," he said.

With his build, Peterson said, his thighs fill slacks to capacity, causing chafing and scarring.

And nobody likes chafing and scarring.

Peterson, 48, has Finnish and Norwegian ancestry but not Scottish. He began wearing kilts a couple years ago when his wife brought one back from a trip to Scotland. (A spokeswoman for Britain's Royal Mail said kilts are not allowed as part of its letter carrier uniforms.)

Now Peterson wears them everywhere - to one son's football games, the other son's concerts, shopping and gardening.

"It's the difference between wearing jammies to bed and wearing your work clothes to bed," he said.

Before the convention in Boston, Peterson spent his family's $1,800 economic stimulus tax rebate to mail about 1,000 letters and photographs of him wearing a prototype Postal Service kilt to union branches in every state, Guam and Puerto Rico.

I'm sure that's not what President Bush had in mind to stimulate the economy, but oh well...

"Unbifurcated Garments are far more comfortable and suitable to male anatomy than trousers or shorts because they don't confine the legs or cramp the male genitals the way that trousers or shorts do," he wrote. "Please open your hearts - and inseams - for an option in mail carrier comfort!"

The union's executive committee recommended disapproval, saying there was not enough demand for kilts to be worth the bother of the resolution, and delegates agreed by a large margin.

But Peterson said there are plenty of approved uniform items that very few mail carriers wear, including a cardigan sweater, vest and pith helmet.

Correct me if I am wrong but I think Medicine Lodge actually has a carrier that wears a pith helmet.

Peterson said many convention delegates did express support after his resolution was voted down.

"I got so pumped up after being at such a low that I'm taking this to the next convention in 2010 in Anaheim, Calif.," he said.

You go.... girl, I mean guy.

The writer of KWIBS actually owns a kilt, has worn a kilt several times in public (don't ask, don't tell) and fully supports Peterson's ambitious efforts to make kilts part of the USPS dress code.

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This kind of stuff just doesn't happen to the chess club.....

26 teen cheerleaders rescued from crammed elevator

AUSTIN, Texas - How many cheerleaders can cram into an elevator? Apparently not 26. A group of teenage girls attending a cheerleading camp on the University of Texas got stuck and had to be rescued after trying to squeeze into an elevator at a residence hall Tuesday night.

One girl fainted and was treated at a hospital and released. Two others were treated at the scene.

The elevator doors refused to open after the pack of 14- to 17-year-olds descended from the fourth to the first floor, police said. Responding to a few panicked cell phone calls from the group, police and firefighters summoned an elevator repairman, who spent about 25 minutes extricating them.

Campus officials weren't amused.

"It's dangerous, actually," said a school police spokeswoman, Rhonda Weldon. "They're lucky that that's all that happened."

I wonder if this was the "male" yell leader's idea????

The power of prayer....

Two prayer services were held at St. Louis gas stations to thank God for lower fuel prices and to ask that they continue to drop. Darrell Alexander, Midwest co-chair of the Pray at the Pump movement, says prayer gatherings will be held Monday afternoon and evening at a Mobil station west of downtown St. Louis.

Participants say they plan to buy gas, pray and then sing "We Shall Overcome" with a new verse, "We'll have lower gas prices."

An activist from the Washington D.C. area, Rocky Twyman, started the effort, saying if politicians couldn't lower gas prices, it was time to ask God to intervene.

The group thinks the prayer is helping, saying prices are starting to fall below $4 a gallon.

And I love my job, but not that much.....

Jeff Hornagold loved being a UPS driver.

So when the suburban Chicago man died this week of lung cancer, longtime co-worker Michael McGowan agreed to take him on one last delivery.

McGowan transported Hornagold's body from Davenport Family Funeral Home to Saturday's funeral services in his UPS truck.

McGowan says he plans to keep a picture of Hornagold in his truck until he retires so that they can keep riding together.

Hornagold was a UPS driver for 20 years, and his wife Judy Hornagold described him as "just the happiest UPS man alive."

She says the special delivery was the perfect tribute.

I just wonder who signed for that?

Have a great week!

Something happened to me. I can't explain it. I don't know if it was a mid-life crisis or some chemical imbalance, but my priorities changed.

For those that know me, you remember me in my youth as the long haired hippy kid that rode a Harley and played in a rock band on the weekends.

Earlier this year, I sold the Harley. It was something I hated to do, but felt that it was the right thing to do in this time of my life.

The band went into retirement almost a year ago now and I've had to readjust my weekend life. It's usually filled up with writing bail bonds, running sound for different events, going to the lake, going to church and my new favorite hobby: mowing the grass.

I used to hate mowing. In fact, when Ronda was pregnant with our first child she had asked me to mow the grass one day. I didn't want to mow the grass. I wanted to go fishing and then ride Harleys with my buddy.

She got so angry at me that she decided to mow it herself. She didn't know how to start the old mower I had, so she got an extension cord and dug out an old electric mower and proceeded to mow our 2 acre lot with it.

A very short time into her mowing project, she saw a small snake. Hating snakes, the 7 month pregnant angry wife decided to kill the snake with the electric lawn mower. She chased it into a couple of circles and ran over the extension cord, causing sparks to fly and the grass to catch on fire.

She's never mowed since and I've never asked her to.

How I went from motorcycles to mowers, I'll never know. Recently I spent hours upon hours researching ZTR mowers (that's zero turning radius mowers for those of you unschooled mower people). There are lots of brands and lots of options to consider. They range in price from as little as $2,000 all the way up to $20,000.

When I began my research, I had only a couple of things I wanted: A comfortable seat and a cup holder. As I started digging a little deeper I discovered I needed more than a 42" cut, less than a 60" cut, a stamped deck, not a forged one, powerful hydrostat drive motors, at least a 20 hp engine and preferably a three blade, belt driven deck.

I was driving my wife crazy.

"Hey honey, here's an ad for a 'Big Dog' mower," I'd say.

"It has........." As soon as I would start rattling off the specifications, she would interrupt and say, "I don't care what it has in it. How much?"

Only $9999.00!

The look she gave me told me I wasn't getting that.

I won't tell you what I paid for my Hustler FasTrack, but I will tell you it was three times as much as my first car and $12,000 less than my last Harley cost.

I didn't have anyone to talk to about my mower fetish. Nobody in my family would give me the time of day.

Then one day Joey had his friend, Oliver Rutan, come over to spend the night. Oliver, who is 15, has his own lawn care business and has some pretty sharp (no pun intended) mowing inventory.

I took Oliver into the garage to show him the mower and an hour later, Joey was begging his friend to come downstairs to play video games.

"Dad, get your own friends," he snapped.

So the next evening I finished up some mowing around the entrance to our property and then decided to drive the mower over to my neighbor's house, John Nixon, and show him the new "Man Machine."

John checked it over, I gave him a quick lesson on operating the mower and he took off. Only he took off as fast as the mower would go with the deck engaged. John mowed his grass, the driveway, a trash dumpster and a small tree before I got him to realize that it would go slower if he wouldn't push the handles so far forward.

I took the mower home where I've turned my yard into a golf resort.

I seriously don't know what happened to me. I was once the care free guy with my hair blowing in the breeze in a leather jacket. Now I am the old guy in flip flops and socks with safety glasses on yelling at the kids to get off his yard.

It was one of those newsy weeks that I couldn't pass up. Perhaps it was the full moon.

Seattle's five problem-plagued public toilets could be yours if you're flush with cash....

You might remember the city installed some self-cleaning toilets a while back. I guess it didn't work out so well. City officials decided to pull the plug on the multimillion-dollar self-cleaning toilet stalls and instead put them on the auction site eBay.

Starting bids are $89,000 apiece.

Neighbors and city-commissioned analysts said the unisex facilities attracted drug users and prostitutes, and were less cost-effective than regular public restrooms.

On May 19, the City Council voted to remove the problem toilets. Council President Richard Conlin said although people were using the high-tech, self-cleaning silver stalls, they also fostered illegal behavior, such as prostitution and drug use.

The German-made automatic, high-tech toilets were installed in 2004 and have cost the city about $5 million. Each has handsfree washing and drying ability and an emergency button that automatically dials 911.

The automated doors on the impact- and graffiti-resistant toilets will close Aug. 1, said Andy Ryan, a spokesman for Seattle Public Utilities. The auction will last for 10 days.

As of Thursday morning, none of the toilets had received any bids.

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A 29-year-old man accused of stealing a bicycle in Boston's North End tried to complete his own version of a triathlon to get away from police.

Police said Jason Duncan of Somerville rode the bike onto the North Washington Street Bridge, jumped off the bridge into Boston Harbor and swam to shore when they tried to arrest him Tuesday night.

He then ran down a harbor walkway before being caught.

Suffolk County District Attorney's spokesman Jake Wark says Duncan pleaded not guilty Wednesday in Boston Municipal Court to one count of larceny over $250. Bail was set at $500.

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An intruder who broke into a Colorado Springs electronics store won't face any charges, even if authorities can find the culprit. Seems no one wants to poke an angry bear.

Colorado Springs police confirm it was a bear who broke a sliding glass door at a Circuit City store Tuesday morning, then went inside to a customer waiting area where surveillance cameras recorded its every move.

The scared bear then ran back out the same broken glass door and headed for a tree.

Authorities say the young adult black bear had become spooked after setting off an alarm at a nearby Fazoli's restaurant.

Circuit City supervisor Dawn Greene joked that the bear probably wanted a new 72-inch LCD-screen television.

No one was hurt, except, perhaps, for the bear.

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A man says he was so consumed by the spirit of God that he fell and hit his head while worshipping.

Now he wants Lakewind Church to pay $2.5 million for medical bills, lost income, and pain and suffering.

Matt Lincoln says he is suing after the church's insurance company denied his claim for medical bills.

The 57-year-old has had two surgeries since the June 2007 injury but still feels pain in his back and legs.

He says he was asking God to have "a real experience" while praying.

Lincoln says he has fallen from the force of the spirit before but has always been caught by someone.

Lawyers for the church say other congregants saw him on the floor laughing after his fall. They say he failed to look out for his own safety.

Have a great week!

I love the 4th of July holiday, I just hate buying fireworks. I always tell my kids, "We should just put money in a paper sack and light it on fire because that's what it is - money up in flames."

OK, maybe it's not as pretty when you light a bag full of money, but you know what I am saying.

Now with that said, I have no problem watching other folks burn their money on the 4th. In fact, I encourage that. It saves me a little money.

It's a funny holiday. One 4th of July, I got an invitation to watch someone shooting off their fireworks near our home. I thought to myself, do I really need an invitation to look up at the sky at night? What if I didn't get an invitation? Would I have to keep my head towards the ground and not look? I know the invitation was a goodwill gesture, I just thought it was funny.

I liked the fact that the 4th of July fell on a Friday and we had the weekend to enjoy the fireworks. Several people in our area put on really good shows and I love it when neighbors try to outdo each other. Whoever wins, you can't really be disappointed in free fireworks, good or bad.

For some reason, I really enjoy "duds". I like it when something either doesn't go off, or goes off incorrectly - as long as no one is hurt. I get the biggest kick out of watching someone light a fuze, run and then nothing happens. Then they walk back over so carefully, like they're sneaking up on it. That's really funny.

Firework names are funny to read. Have you ever looked at what you are lighting? I saw one package that read "Big Barrel of Bang". It was big and it was a barrel, but it wasn't that big of a bang.

We also had one called "Grand Finale". Once lit, this interesting little box set off a mini fireworks show all by itself. It would shoot several into the air and then stop. We'd all clap and then in a few seconds it would start up again. This time it would do a fountain of sparks. Then it would stop and we'd all clap. Suddenly it would start back up again. I thought that this one was a real bargain. My kids just wanted it to stop so they could shoot the next thing off.......

And what are you we clapping for? Yeah! The guy lighting the small bomb wasn't hurt when it exploded!

We pulled one out of the box that read, "Blue Stars". This one was cool. The kids took it out in the middle of the road and lit it. They ran back to us and we all watched it shoot blue stars in to the air.

It was beautiful. Then all at once, it fell over and pointed in our direction. Blue stars chased us around the yard. We all took cover behind a truck. After the danger was over someone said, "They should have called that one brown stripes on white underwear."

Have a great week!

As if I didn't have enough trouble with my dog typing at my computer.....

I learned this week that Facebook, a popular website for those of us with too much time on our hands at work, has branched off into the world of pet web pages with "Dogbook".

Dogs all over the world are logging in, setting up their web sites and joining online parks where they share things of common interest like cat recipes, favorite chew toys, stories of dragging their butts across the carpet and tips on how to get away with pooping on the floor of their owner's homes.

I'm not exactly sure when this site launched, but as soon as my German Shepherd, Hyde, found out that I had a Facebook page, he added me as a friend.

It's true, our pets can actually have web sites. I'm already so frustrated with my dog using my Ipod. Every time I pick it up he's got it playing "Who Let The Dogs Out?". Now I have to worry about scheduling him for computer time.

I logged into my dog's page on Wednesday to find out that he has a few local friends, including Jeff Clarke's dog Lucy. Lucy is a female Westie and has been loved since 2007. According to her website she enjoys playing with toys, sleeping, eating, drinking, playing with her cat Nermal, and playing outside.

Lucy's favorite treats are Milkbones and she claims to be very quiet with a funny personality.

Of course Hyde and Lucy are now friends and no doubt will be emailing each other, writing on each other's wall (a slang for leaving messages on something similar to a message board online), sharing embarrassing photos of each other and discussing their current handler's treatment of them.

But like humans who hide their true identities behind their flat screen monitors, will virtual rear-end sniffing lure some dogs into unnatural relationships like Rottweilers pretending to be small Poodles?

Next my dog will be wanting me to add text messaging to his cell phone.....

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This Thursday marks a bitter sweet ending to the exchange year of Soeren Niklas Gaertner. Many of you have read right here about "Nick" in KWIBS. Nick is a German exchange student who spent this past year living with our neighbor John Nixon.

Nick has become part of the family and we've all wondered where the time has gone. It just seems like yesterday that he arrived. It was actually in August of last year. First impressions are everything. The night he arrived our family went over to John's to meet him. Nick brought out German chocolate as a gift. Now we're all addicts and he's been our supplier for the past year.

His first week here John, Nick, Ronda and I all went to Texas to a Rush concert. Since then John has taken him to another Rush concert, river rafting, to a professional basketball game and a college football game. He'll be the first to tell you he got a good exchange parent!

Nick is an unusually mature 17 year old with a great sense of humor. We had many nights of debating on subjects like politics, religion and the economy. And even though he's a staunch Obama fan, he found humor in my good-bye message to him, "McCain in 2008!" Look Nick, I spelled it correctly and everything!

Last week Ronda and I took a trip down the Illinois River in Oklahoma with some friends. Breeann, Joey and "Big Nick" tagged along for a last hoorah. There were some good memories made on this trip including Nick driving part of the way home on Monday. Don't worry. He was officially done with AFS on Sunday. He had one day left to legally drive on his learner's permit. Besides, I am sure he didn't violate any of his AFS rules the entire year! *wink*

Nick and I had a nice visit (or "wisit" as he would say) last week about his year in America.

"It will always be one of the greatest experiences of my life," he said.

A gracious and kind kid, Nick will be missed by his host parent, John, and the many friends he's made this year. Breeann, Joey, Nicholas, Ronda, Hyde and I will miss you too and we'll always remember you. Come back for a "wisit" sometime.

Have a great week!

We could cover it until we're blue in the face, but we could never give enough credit to Bob and Dorothy Stutler for the work they've done on The Grand Hotel.

It's jaw-dropping each time I drive past it. I know I am going to have an accident in the near future as I drive past gawking at it. The place looks incredible. I realize they aren't quite finished, but I wanted to take a moment to thank them for saving and restoring such a fine piece of our town's history. You guys are true assets to our community.

I'm going to put the entire town on the spot now. We need to show some appreciation to these folks. Many of you don't realize the undertaking this was and the amount of time and money that the Stutlers have invested in this property. I think the City of Medicine Lodge should, at the very least, make a proclamation declaring a day of appreciation for their work. Hopefully, someone is reading this. *Smiles*

Let's not let this project go unnoticed. If you agree with me, let the appropriate people know and let's show the Stutlers that we are thankful to have them in our community and that we appreciate what they are doing.

After I wrote this, I went up front to discover a letter from Darrel and Mary Rhea concerning the Grand and some property around town that needs attention. My sentiments exactly!

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I loved this story. I hope my friend Nick Gaertner reads it and understands how resourceful Americans can be.

Sports bra saves US hiker in German Alps

An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal, police in southern Germany said Monday.

Berchtesgaden police officer Lorenz Rasp said that he helped lift 24-year-old Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado state to safety by helicopter on Thursday after she attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain.

"She's a very smart girl, and she acted very resourcefully," said Rasp. "She kept her shirt and jacket for warmth, but thought the sports bra could work as a signal."

An Alpine rescue team, including five helicopters and 80 emergency workers, had been searching for Bruinsma since she went missing June 16 after losing her way in bad weather while hiking with a friend near the Austrian border.

She fell 16.4 feet (five meters) to a rocky overhang, where she spent the next 70 hours on the narrow ledge, sustained by water that she found by breaking into a supply box on the ledge.

She badly bruised a leg and dislocated a shoulder in the fall, and the cliff was too isolated for her to climb free, Rasp said.

Rasp said the cable was only within reach because the timber transport system was out of service. When a repairman restored the line on Thursday, the cable car started moving up the mountain and Bruinsma's bra reached the worker at the base. He knew of the missing hiker and immediately called police.

Rasp said his team followed the cable line up the cliffside in a helicopter and found Bruinsma standing on the ledge, waving with her good arm. After circling once, they lowered a winch to Bruinsma and lifted her aboard.

"She did so well because she is in very good shape," Rasp said. "She has been training for a marathon - her goal is to finish in 3 hours and 10 minutes."

Bruinsma told Rasp that she has scrapped plans to stay in Berchtesgaden to learn German and plans to return home to Colorado Springs with her parents. He said she still plans to run the marathon, if she recovers in time to keep training.

The moral of the story is that Americans are resourceful and Germans are easily distracted with undergarments.

Have a great week!

I failed to mention a couple of very important dates last week in my column. I was too worried about the creepy spiders.

If you'll notice on the front page of the paper this week, we are at volume 18 - issue 1.

This marks our 885th edition of The Gyp Hill Premiere. More importantly, we are celebrating our 17th year in business in Medicine Lodge.

I glanced through a few years of early Premieres and the walk down memory lane did me good.

I saw pictures of several of us, younger and thinner, in the pages that are now history. I saw people like Mark Boyter and Orval Kutz who are no longer with us, but immortalized in the archives.

I've said it more than once. I love my job and I love putting out the newspaper. It's an honor to serve the community and we appreciate your support these last 17 years! Thanks!

The other important date was more important than the first. I may not have remembered to mention in my column last week, but I did remember the date. Tuesday, June 17, 2008 was our anniversary.

Ronda and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary with a rededication ceremony with our children at our home that night - thanks to some very special people who rearranged their evenings to bless us. Sarah and Dwain Richert and David Kolbek came to dinner and to participate in our ceremony. David brought his guitar and beautiful voice and Dwain remarried Ronda and I down by our pond.

It had been something Ronda and I had wanted to do for a while now, but never could seem to organize it. Our 20th seemed like a good time to do it.

Monday afternoon I originally gave Dwain a call and asked him if he could do it. It turned out that he couldn't because of ball game schedules with his kids. So I scrapped the whole idea and tried to come up with something creative to do.

I got online to see how to celebrate a 20th anniversary and I found a site that said Day Lilies were the flowers to give for that anniversary and China was the theme gift. As easy as this all sounded, you can't get Day Lilies on that short of notice and my wife really doesn't like China.

So instead, I got Ronda twenty balloons and tied paper with scripture about love on them. My plan was to read her each one and release them.

Early Tuesday morning Dwain called me back and said his son's game got rained out. God does answer prayer, even when you pray He'll ruin a kid's baseball game. So, he said he could do the ceremony! (I'm kidding about praying for rain to ruin a baseball game of course).

I visited with David and he agreed to play a couple of songs for us and everything was in motion. David and Sarah and Dwain would meet us at our house for dinner at 6:30 p.m.

Ronda was completely unaware. I would spring the whole thing on her when I got home.

Things don't always go as planned.

I got home to find Ronda laying on the couch with a cold pack on her head. She felt sick and wasn't really up to helping me with supper. She had already put on her pajamas for the evening. It was 5:45 p.m. and she didn't have any idea that company would be here at 6:30 p.m.

"Hey, honey," I said at about 6:10 p.m. "Why don't you slip your clothes back on? I have surprise for you."

"You can surprise me in my jammies," she said from under her blanket on the couch. "What do you want me dressed back up for?"

She knew something was up and I finally said, "Look, if you're not dressed here in about 10-15 minutes, you'll wish you had been!"

She got up and went back in the bedroom, giving me the "you're up to something" look.

In between all this, I was cooking food on the stove, on the grill and making a salad. I love to cook, but I am often easily distracted by shiny things like the TV and the telephone and at one point forgot I had potatoes on the side burner on my grill. They call that thing a burner for a reason, as it was turning my potatoes into an ash tray quickly. I jerked the pan off the burner and started to carry it inside when my hand cramped. I reached to grab the other side of the pan to steady it. HOLY MOLEY! I burned my fingers as Dwain and Sarah pulled into the drive way.

When I finished my hot pan dance, I set it down on the door Matt and opened the door to take the potatoes inside. I got the door open and reached down to grab the pan only to discover I had melted the pan to the front door mat and was dragging in a piece of it like string cheese from a hot pizza.

The rest of the evening went well. Dinner was salvaged and Sarah brought a great peach cobbler.

At dinner Sarah asked what our secret was to making our marriage last 20 years. Ronda and I both agreed that one of the biggest things that helped our maraige work was humor. We've had plenty of that for the past 20 years. It probably doesn't hurt that we really love each other too.......

After dinner we walked down to the pond. All of our kids were home and even the dog became part of the ceremony.

Without boring you with the mushy details, it was a great ceremony and I can't thank David, Dwain and Sarah enough for being a part of it.

After the ceremony, we read and released the balloons one at a time and watched them drift off into the sky. It was cool and I even got a little emotional.

Then I got a smirk on my face and asked Ronda, "You think the neighbors are going to be mad when they find twenty popped balloons in their pasture?"

Happy anniversary, Ronda. I love you. Have a great week!

We finished eating dinner one night last week and my son Nicholas went down stairs for his after-dinner video game.

Ronda and I were cleaning up the kitchen when we heard him scream, "Mom, come downstairs quick and bring a giant shoe!"

Ronda looked at me and asked, "What was that all about?"

I explained to her that there was either one very big foot downstairs or it was Nicholas's way of telling us there was a large spider in the basement.

The kids instinctively know that when you need a light bulb changed, a carburetor put on a motorcycle, the battery charged, a door hung, some heavy lifting or even the occasional computer problem solved, you call for dad. When there is a scary bug, you call for mom.

I especially hate spiders. Do you want to see me run screaming like a thirteen year old girl? Put a spider in front of me.

I'm not a simple fraidy-cat by nature. I have little fear of mice, rats or even snakes (unless I startle it and myself at the same time). I just hate those scary little spiders. I would say I am quite brave when it comes to the critter department. I just don't like bugs and I especially don't like spiders.

Arachnaphobia is the scientific name for fear of spiders. Despite centuries of evidence that many people are afraid of spiders, I read that there is no known evolutionary reason to trace its origin.

Is that right?

I can see Caveman Nog returning from his hunt and holding the hind quarter of his kill high in the air. Off in the short distance at the entrance of their cave his tribe shouts for joy as they see the big game that Nog has killed. Nog approaches his cheering tribe and walks between two trees where a spider has just spun himself a home. It drapes across his face - he wets his leopard skin loin cloth, drops his meat and runs off into the jungle screaming.

That's the evolution of Arachnaphobia.

I thought maybe I was brave enough to take on a small spider last weekend. I was sitting in my wife's car and a tiny spider was crawling near the top of the window.

Here was my chance to be a hero.

I took off my sandal and rolled the window down so I could get a good swing. Then the wind came up, He shot himself a web out of his butt and landed right in my face. I was half way across the parking lot before I realized I was one shoe short.

A few years ago, my wife and I took a trip to Mexico where I had decided to face another one of my biggest fears - heights. We hiked several miles into the jungle and climbed several cliff faces to reach the top of this mountain. Then we had some guy strap a harness around us, attach it to a cable and throw us off the side of the perfectly safe mountain. It was called "flying". The cable and pulley system sent you soaring across the canyon below at speeds of nearly 50 mph for up to a half mile long. My pants were nearly dry when I reached the other side. A series of these cable systems brought you to the bottom of the mountain where a guy with an alcoholic beverage awaited you. I was ready for that when we got down.

After they soften you up a bit with their local nectar, they started introducing us to some of the bar's regulars. The first was a giant snake. I don't mean like one that you see in your garden. This was all National Geographic big and was like an 18 foot or longer snake. They put it on you and it starts wrapping itself around you as two guys try to keep it from making you lunch.

I was fine with this. My wife was a little uneasy, but she might have had just the right amount of cactus juice in her to try it. We both felt a sense of accomplishment after handling the giant snake. We had now conquered the mountain and a giant snake. This was time for celebration.

"Bring me another," I boldly proclaimed.

I discovered at that moment that there was a language barrier between our people. I meant something to drink. The bartender brought me a giant spider.

My first instinct was to hide behind Ronda in hopes that she would kill it.

"Here! Here! He no bite you. See?," he said as he placed it on my hand.

I was frozen. The spider's venom must have already entered my blood system and paralyzed me. I hadn't even felt the sharp fangs of this tricky predator pierce my flesh. So this is how I was going to die? It was crawling up my arm - probably tasting me and preparing to wrap me up in a giant cocoon to feast on me little by little. How horrific.

Ronda sat there and smiled. Why hadn't she taken off her shoe to kill it? Was my life insurance paid up? It was! This was her diabolical plan from the beginning. She took me on vacation to have me eaten alive by a giant spider and then she would collect my insurance money.

The bartender grabbed the spider, saving my life.

Then he put it on my face and said, "No blow! No blow!"

No kidding? I wasn't blowing. I couldn't even breath at that point. This thing was about to eat me from the inside out. I felt his hairy legs on my lips and could feel his fuzzy body sliding over my nose. I needed to sneeze! I needed to breath! I thought I was going to pass out. I was dieing. That's when I felt a strange peace overcoming me and I saw the bright light that people see when near death.

I realized the spider was gone. I opened my eyes to find my wife taking my picture.

I was still alive. Scarred for life, but alive.

Do you see the can of Raid behind me? Do you think anyone grabbed that? No...

Have a great week!

Father's Day is coming up this Sunday and I was thinking about the joys and struggles associated with fatherhood.

"Father" is one of those titles that demands respect, but often gets much less. I remember that I was far from the perfect child growing up. I know I gave my father grief.

He may think that I never paid any attention to all the fatherly wisdom he laid on me, but I did. I remember a couple of things he told me. One was to always "kill'm with kindness" when faced with adversity.

I find myself giving my kids advice and wondering if they are even paying attention. I am sure one day they will recall some bit of wisdom I gave them.

And now that I am a father (of 18 years now), I realize that you have to take the good with the bad and you try your best in every situation to, as the song goes, "teach your children well."

Most of the time I probably come off sounding like I am nagging and ragging on my kids, but my hope is that they will learn, not only from their mistakes, but mine as well.

"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right." -- Bill Cosby

As a father, I sometimes question if I am deserving of a special day of observance. Then I realize that I have three great kids, so I will celebrate!

Like most fathers, I don't expect a gift. I have everything I want as a father. I have my wife and kids. What more could I possibly want?

Father's Day is a day to honor your dad. Every day my kids wake up healthy is Father's Day for me. I'm sure my dad feels the same way.

The idea for creating a day for children to honor their fathers began in Spokane, Washington. A woman by the name of Sonora Smart Dodd thought of the idea for Father's Day while listening to a Mother's Day sermon in 1909.

Having been raised by her father, William Jackson Smart, after her mother died, Sonora wanted her father to know how special he was to her. It was her father that made all the parental sacrifices and was, in the eyes of his daughter, a courageous, selfless, and loving man. Sonora's father was born in June, so she chose to hold the first Father's Day celebration in Spokane, Washington on the 19th of June, 1910.

In 1926, a National Father's Day Committee was formed in New York City. Father's Day was recognized by a Joint Resolution of Congress in 1956. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the third Sunday of June. So Father's Day was born in memory and gratitude by a daughter who thought that her father and all good fathers should be honored with a special day just like we honor our mothers on Mother's Day.

Today nearly 100 years have elapsed since the first Father's Day was celebrated. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE."

With fatherhood comes the right of passage to use phrases like, "Shut the lights off. Do you pay the electricity bill around here?"

Here's some things you'll never hear your father say.

- Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

- You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

- I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

- Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

- What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

- Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

- Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

- No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

- Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend!

With all that joking aside, I do want to wish my dad a happy Father's Day. I love you Dad. Without sounding like I am patting myself on the back, I think you did a pretty good job with your kids!

I hope all of you fathers have a special Father's Day!

Now that American Idol is over for the season, the only things I can find on TV have to do with politics. As interested as I am, I am finding the candidates all a little bit dull.

I have enjoyed the interviews with the candidates, but none of them really have any answers for the economy, the war in Iraq, the situation with Iran or how to deal with the changing global climate.

The questions they answer all seem to be very well rehearsed.

I have received a lot of emails lately on how underqualified Obama is, how John McCain is too liberal for the Republicans and how devious Hillary Clinton is, but the following comparison just made me laugh.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

You can take it further.....

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Have a great week!

Unless you were as crazy about American Idol as I was, read no further.

I got hooked on this show in the beginning - season 1 in 2002. I've had a love-hate relationship with it ever since.

That's the year Kelly Clarkson won and she was awesome. She still is. American Idol was a huge success and had captured the viewing audience.

It seemed like America was pretty sharp and could pick a winner.

Then came season two....

Ruben Studdard. A man, named after a sandwich, that looked like he'd eaten a few in his lifetime won the competition - or lack thereof. Season two was in my best English accent, "an utter disappointment."

Season three wasn't much better. We saw Fantasia win. She was good, but beat out my favorite, George Huff. I figured his name wasn't as cool as her name. Where is Fantasia now? Not doing so good...... I began losing interest in the show.

Then came season 4. We finally saw some competition. Things picked up season 4 and Carrie Underwood became a household name. You recognize that name, don't you?

Season 5 was the nail in the coffin for me. This was the season that America got it all wrong and voted Taylor Hicks as American Idol.

You probably couldn't find one of Taylor Hicks's CDs unless you hit a weekend garage sale.

Idol's record label had this to say about Hicks, "We didn’t want to shove any songs down his throat. We wanted to make an album in the style he was comfortable with. We mutually agreed that he’d work on an album [on his own], we’d listen, and we’d see where we go from there. There’s no acrimony."

I had to look up the definition of acrimony: " harsh or biting sharpness especially of words, manner, or disposition."

That was probably a polite way of saying, "you're terrible."

The most surprising thing about season 5 was when Chris Daughtry was the 4th from the top and got voted off. He was my pick early in the season and all my "musically unchallenged" friends agreed he was the best talent that season.

Daughtry didn't need American Idol. He went on to release several hits and has become a huge success.

I was so angry after season 5 that I protested American Idol season 6. I and most of America couldn't even tell you who won. You don't even remember Jordin Sparks do you?

This year has been different. There has been an immense talent turnout for season 7 and with a lot of hype, American Idol got back on track and folks like me and my mom started watching and voting again. I can honestly say that there will be some memorable talent from this season and you can take it to the bank, which is exactly what Simon Cowell will do.

Now that I have mentioned my mom, let me say that she was nearly single-handedly responsible for David Cook's win last week.

I called my mom after Idol and she told me she voted between 75-100 times for David Cook. Way to go, Mom. That's probably why the line was busy when I tried to vote.

According to the show. David Cook edged out David Archuleta by 12 million votes! That is just incredible. The finale recorded just under 100 million votes for the episode.

David Archuleta was a great performer, but in my opinion only appealed to a small group of teenage girls. They may be able to text their little hearts out, but voting was open until midnight. Most of his voters had to be in bed by 10 p.m., so thanks to people like my mom, David Cook is this year's champion!

I wish I could walk up to Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell and tell them how wrong they got it. They had this year's trophy already engraved with David Archuleta's name on it. Shortly before they read the winner's name, Simon took a moment to say he was sorry for being so hard on David Cook.

I can't help but wonder that Simon and the other judges knew who the winner was and watching him eat a little crow put a renewed interest in American Idol.

I can't wait for season 8!

Have a great week!

I had been rushing around for the past couple of weeks trying to get everything in order for the special section for the MLHS graduating class of 2008 when it suddenly dawned on me - my first child is graduating from high school.

Breeann is my oldest child. Everything that is a first in life, she's been the one to do it. First complete kindergarten, first to graduate from the 8th grade, first to drive, first to crash and now, first to graduate.

There are a lot of emotions that come with thinking about her graduating from high school.

My first emotion is a feeling of satisfaction. I'm proud of Breeann. I haven't always been easy on her. I hope she knows that when I was hard, it was to help her learn to be a better person.

I'm also feeling sadness. It's not easy letting go. I'm so grateful for all the time we've had together and that I have two more kids at home. Whether she believes me or not, I'm really going to miss my her when she leaves home.

Even though I hate to see this time become history for her, I am feeling excitement about her future. She plans to become an elementary school teacher. Of course all college kids make plans and sometimes they change, but I am proud that she has a goal in mind.

I also have fear - fear for my kid going out into the world and experiencing some of the failures in life. As a parent, my natural instinct is to protect her, but I know she has to experience and learn from life's mistakes.

There is also a feeling of relief. It's hard to explain. It's like giving birth I suppose. It's painful, but when it's all over there is this reward of life. Having your child complete high school is a great accomplishment. With this part of her life completed, Ronda and I are now looking forward to college, someday a wedding, someday grandchildren. Wow....

As I was looking over photos of the class of 2008, I started thinking about all the slumber parties, field trips, sporting events and summers spent with a lot of these kids.

I thought back on the year that a group of us went to Dallas, TX to a M.A.Y.B. tournament and afterwards going to Six Flags. I remember the whole group waiting on Brooke Mease to finally decide which shirt she was going to wear so we could finally go to the park. I rode all the roller coasters with the kids and remember how sick I felt.

I also remember a 10th birthday party where about 12 little girls came to our house to eat cake and ride gokarts. I remember Erica Andrews crashing into my fence. Later on the girls got tired and grumpy. After a fist fight broke out, I had to separate a few girls!

Danae Rice jumped out of our back seat of our suburban on cue one stormy night during a scary story about an escaped inmate. I had a car full of screaming little girls. It was hilarious.

Enough time has passed for me to tell this final story of two car thieves from the class of 2008. Ronda and I were in Wichita one day when we left Cori Christensen and Erica Andrews at our house with Breeann. Cori and Erica got up early and decided to take our car for a joy ride around the ranch. Now neither of them were even old enough for a driver's license! No harm was done and I did my best to sound mad, but I had little or no effect! I never told their parents. I guess this is my revenge girls! lol.....

All of these memories seemed to have happened in such a short time. With 13 years of school behind them, this class now takes their big step out into the world.

I can't believe how fast the time has gone by.

How did it get so late so soon?

It's night before

it's afternoon.

December is here before it's June.

My goodness how the

time has flewn.

How did it get so late so soon?

I read through each of the kids' graduation information and one student caught my attention. I want to mention her because she wrote something that really caught my attention. It was something different.

Deidre Johnson's information was different. Yeah, she listed her parents, her accomplishments and the college she plans on attending, but she added something.

Her future plans read: "I plan to attend Wichita State University and study Dental Hygiene after school. I plan to start a family and come back to Medicine Lodge to open a dentist office."

She plans on coming back. How often do you hear a kid say that?

In the many evenings Breeann and I spent together filling out financial aide, scholarship applications and talking about her future, she too mentioned how she would one day like to come home and be a preschool teacher. It made me proud.

Ted Colborn also said he wants to come back and work on the family farm. Good for you, Ted. I'm sure there are others in the class that want to call Medicine Lodge their home.

There is a good reason why the students of MLHS should consider coming home one day. It was obvious by the local scholarship awards given Tuesday evening that people in our community care. I can't tell you how many thousands of dollars went to the class of 2008 from our community. It was very cool and I know how much the kids appreciate the help with school. For those of you who helped out with these scholarships, as a parent, I want to thank you for helping my child.

My family got acquainted with one of the newest members of the MLHS class of 2008 this year. Nick Gaertner (Soeren Niklas Gaertner) is a foreign exchange student from Germany who has been living with John Nixon. John is one of our closest neighbors and his host student, Nick, is my Son Joey's age. They've become good friends and we've enjoyed spending time with Nick.

It's been especially fun to spend time sitting around our little camp fire and experiencing Nick's quick-witted responses. We'll miss you Nick. Thanks for spending time with us.

You know, it seems like only a few years ago that I was graduating from the very same high school that my daughter and her class will now graduate from this coming Saturday, May 17th. Actually, it has been exactly 20 years. I graduated with the class of 1988.

To Breeann and the class of 2008:

I love all of you kids. I'm so proud of you and wish you all the success in life. You'll always be special to me and Ronda and I thank you all for the memories. I pray that God will give you wisdom and bless each of you on your journey.

Have a great week!

Congratulations class of 2008!

One of my favorite weekly pastimes is reading area newspapers.

My mission is to keep up on some of the Newspaper Publisher "Old-timers", as I like to call them. My "Old-timers are Bob McQuin of the Kingman Leader-Courier, Bob Greer of the Protection Press and Dennise Andersen of the Coldwater Western Star.

These are three newspaper publishers that I have known since I was barely able to measure up to a pica pole (newspaper lingo).

Back in the early 1970s, my Uncle Gary, my Grandpa Bill and my Dad Ron used to print these area newspapers at our printing plant in the old Index building on First Street. I would be entertained weekly by the publishers from Coldwater and Protection. I still keep in contact with them and Bob Greer still makes his monthly stops by my office to steal my toilet paper. He says the same thing every time, "I’m on my way to Wichita to check on my doctor."

When I was finally old enough to stand on milk crates to reach the press controls, I began helping with the press work and eventually did the majority of the printing.

By the time I turned 14, I had my learner’s permit and I started driving the newspaper to Kingman twice each week after I got the paper printed. It was my summer job.

So, I got to know Bob McQuin when I was a little newspaper guy. This week in the Kingman Leader-Courier, Bob McQuin announced he was turning over his Editor’s duty to his daughter Connie Schoenhofer. Bob will stay on as Publisher with a few reductions in duties as his health hasn’t been the best lately. Bob has been the Editor/Publisher of Kingman’s newspaper for 41 years.

Bob’s weekly column "So What’s New" is my first stop when I pick up his paper each week. Congratulations Bob and I hope you get to feeling better.

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This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day. I wanted to drop a note to the important mothers that surround my family and bring them love.

I love you Mom. Thank you for always being there for me and sis and being a part of our lives.

I love you Ronda. Thank you for being my partner in raising our three children.

I love you MeMe. Thank you for being a mom to Ronda when her’s went home to be with the Lord.

? ? ? ?

I want to thank Kraig and Steve at Bowe Chevrolet, John at Hibbards HealthMart, Brandon Hazel at State Farm, Norm at White’s Foodliner, Riley at Taco Tico/Simple Simon Pizza, Brent at Home Lumber, my staff here at The Gyp Hill Premiere, John Nixon at Nixon Realty and Jon Walz at The Rock -KPAK 97.5 FM for helping us promote Imminent Domain last weekend at the American Legion Building.

We’ve heard good things from the kids that came and we hope to have this group back in Medicine Lodge, maybe in September????

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A giant helium-filled pig didn't drift off to hog heaven after it was released into the night sky during Roger Waters' performance at the Coachella music festival. It's been found, in two pieces.

Two couples found tattered halves of the inflatable swine in their yards, a few miles from festival grounds in the Southern California desert.

Concert organizers had offered a $10,000 reward for the pig's return. On Tuesday, pieces of the plastic carcass were examined.

"That's definitely our pig," producer Bill Fold said.

Susan Stoltz found a plastic heap in her driveway Monday, but said she didn't know what it was until she read about the missing pig in the Desert Sun newspaper.

"My kids are going to think I'm so cool," she said.

Another resident of the same neighborhood, Judy Rimmer, said she found a piece of the pig draped over a front-yard plant.

The two couples will split the cash reward, Fold said.

As tall as a two-story house and as wide as two school buses, the pig was led from lines held on the ground Sunday as Waters played a version of Pink Floyd's "Pigs" from the 1977 anti-capitalist album "Animals."

Then it just floated away.

"It wasn't really supposed to happen that way. I don't have the details," festival spokeswoman Marcee Rondan said.

The pig displayed the words "Don't be led to the slaughter" and a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two bloody cleavers. The other side read "Fear builds walls" and the underside read "Obama" with a checked ballot box for Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama.

My guess is that some small-town, gun-toting Christian conservative shot it down. hehehehehehe

I know it is only April, but my house was hot and stuffy. I made the decision to turn on the air conditioner. It didn't work. So the windows came open and the ceiling fan came on last week after the house reached 84 degrees.

It felt good as the breeze started moving through my house, so I grabbed a book and sat down to read.

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

Nine years ago, I bought a ceiling fan and decided I would "do it myself". It's clicked for approximately nine years.

It should have been a simple job, especially for a guy who went to school to study home construction for 2 years. Yes, I had trouble declaring a major in college. I built homes for two years in college. That's another column.

I remember 9 years ago laying the pieces all over the floor and spending a couple of head-scratching hours putting it up. When it was finished, I looked up with great pride and pulled the chain.

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

I decided right then and there it was a decorative light. We rarely turned it on. But it was hot and we needed to move some air.

I tried to ignore the sound, but it kept getting louder and louder. My God, it was annoying.

Ronda and I looked at each other. She was giving me that, "I wish you would fix that" look. so I put my book down and went out to the garage for my tools.

I brought back a screwdriver, some wrenches and of course, a hammer. Instead of a ladder, I brought over a kitchen chair. At 5' 7" I was still on my tippy toes to reach the fan.

I shut the power off at the wall, not the breaker, and proceeded to examine the situation. The solution seemed simple. The fans were striking the outer ring of the mounting hardware. My choices were to move the mounting hardware a little bit or grab a grinder and grind off the brass ring. I chose the less destructive, although the grinder would have been cool with all the sparks and metal shavings flying through our living room. If I moved the mounting hardware, the clicking sound would be eliminated.

All I needed to do was expose the inside of the fan where it was mounted to the ceiling. I just needed a screwdriver to remove an access panel. It came off easy enough and I could see clear to the ceiling and the bolts that would move the mounting hardware to stop the clicking sound.

Unfortunately, I could not reach the bolts and had to take off a brass ring. I got out my wrenches. It was a tiny nut. Smaller than my smallest wrench, so I went back out to the garage to find a new tool to help me in my latest home improvement project. After trying several American wrenches, I found a wrench that wasn't an American measurement that fit. Go figure.

I removed the ring only to find that the fan blades were in the way. I would need a large phillips head screwdriver. I went back out to the garage and came back with a new tool.

I took all five blades off and carefully laid them on the floor of my living room. I placed all of the brass screws in my left pocket. The screws for the brass ring were already in my right pocket. I then attemped to remove the brass ring.

The lights were in the way.

I said a few choice words and stepped off my kitchen chair. My shoulders were tired and my feet were hurting.I took a small break and got back on the chair. I then unscrewed the lights, removed the brass ring and discovered a clear plastic decorative ring that had to be moved so I could reach the mounting hardware. That came off with a twist.

Finally, I got a break.

I loosened the screws to the mounting plate and grabbed my hammer. With a couple of taps, I decided that I had moved it enough to stop the clicking sound. My neck was getting a little sore, so I stepped back down off the kitchen chair, tripping over a few of the fan blades and spilling my screws out of my pockets.

I gathered my screws and composure and started replacing the plastic decorative ring. It went on with success and I proceeded to put the brass ring back on. It went on easy too. I put the lights back on and was ready to put the blades back on.

I was going to need a couple of extra hands for this, so I called my oldest son in to the room. This was going to be an important lesson for him. We were going to be a team, father and son, fixing a ceiling fan in mom's prescence.

I grabbed an extra chair.

Without complaining and with great skill and patience, Joey held the blades up for me. Okay, I made that part up. With a lot of whining and squirming, Joey attempted to hold the fan blades while I lined up the screws with the holes in the fan motor.

I failed to notice earlier in the project that there were five fan blades that took two screws each and 15 holes. What idiot put that many holes up there? We stepped down off our chairs and studied the situation.

Back up on our chairs, I picked a spot to start and struggled to put the blade back on. Getting the holes to line up was tricky and when I turned the screws the fan motor turned and the screws would fall to the floor. We coordinated our efforts and got one blade on.

This was hard. We took another break and started on the next fan blades.

We were pros at this now and before we knew it, we were on the last holes. Success was almost ours. I tightened the last screw and we stepped down.

Joey said, "Hey dad, what about this last blade?"

I looked down and to my horror, discovered an extra blade. I looked up and counted. Yep, only four blades were mounted to the ceiling fan.

"How the heck did that happen," I asked?

Well, good for us, it looked just fine with four blades and I decided to turn it on and check to see if the clicking sound was gone. I pulled the chain and the sound was gone!

"Great! It's fixed," I said.

We looked to mom for approval. Ronda had a look on her face that simply said, no. Joey saw it too.

"Mom, it looks fine with four," he said.

She wasn't going to let this one slide. She was right. The ceiling fan started with five blades, equally spaced, and now had four blades that resembled a large, lopsided X.

Joey and I looked at each other with understanding. We grabbed the screwdriver, got back on our chairs and systematically started removing the blades. Once they were all off, we studied the problem again.

It was a complete mathmatical impossibility. I'm not sure who the genius was that put this up the first time, but I'm guessing he had the instructions. Oh yeah, that genius was me and I didn't keep the instructions.

After arguing for several minutes about which holes to start with, Joey convinced me that he was in algebra and that he was right. I had no choice but to trust him.

Now sweating profusely, my neck and shoulders throbbing, we started the long process of putting the fan blades back on.

To my surprise the fourth blade went on and we had two holes left.

"See dad, I'm a genius," said Joey.

I was impressed and embarassed all at the same time. It was a coming of age for my son - the problem solver.

We put the last blade on and stepped back.

I pulled the chain and the fan started turning.

It didn't make the clicking sound! However, it now has a wobble to it that causes the light to swing, making our living room look like a disco.

Neither Joey nor I made eye contact with Ronda.

I also have one screw left over, but hey, it doesn't click...........

Step back soccer moms.

Things got slightly carried away last week during a soccer game held at Krug Field.

Norm Clouse and I were only joking around when the pushing started. My kid was on one soccer team and his on another. When his daughter’s team scored, he got a little bit excited and gave me a shove nearly knocking me over.

My rooster instinct kicked in and I shoved back.

I just wanted to let all know who were present that this was just guy-horse play. We were just excited about our kids competing and playing the game of soccer. There’s no battle going on between the grocery store guy and the newspaper guy. It was all fun and games - except for the fact that my kids’ team lost the game.

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If you have kids who love music or you are a fan of original punk / emo rock, there will be a concert on April 25th at the American Legion Building.

Imminent Domain, winner of the MTVU’s Summer Battle of the College Bands, will perform. This band was also the 2006 KPAK Battle of the Bands winner. They put on a great show and they are a neat family. I hope you can come!

This will be a NO ALCOHOL family event.

The concert is cosponsored by area merchants. For more information, see page 9. We’ll have a story about the band in next week’s Premiere.

Have a great week!

Richard Wortman stopped by my office last Tuesday to schedule my lynching.

Wortman, like many others ventured down to the courthouse last week after buying Monday’s paper to see the famed time capsule.

Surprise! It wasn’t there. It was my April Fools joke.

After toiling over what I would do as my master April Fools joke, I came up with the idea of pranking as many folks as I could through the fake article about the time capsule discovery.

If you read the article carefully, you might have picked up on some of the obvious humor. A man named "Quibs" was mentioned. My column’s name is KWIBS. Also he was a "barber" and friends with Thomas Barber.

Medicine Log. Medicine Lodge’s long lost original name. Did you fall for it?

Xie Gallagher in the Treasurer’s office was quick to act when she realized my prank. She printed up signs stating, "If you are here to see the time capsule that was in the paper, it has been moved to The Gyp Hill Premiere on Main Street. Ask for Kevin Noland."

She posted them all over the courthouse and I prank called the Clerk of the District Court asking where I could see the time capsule.

I told Xie that it would have been funnier to say something like "The time capsule had termites and had to be removed from the building. It is now at the County Road and Bridge building on Isabel Road."

I couldn’t convince her to play along.

News of the time capsule travelled more quickly than I expected. The story was also posted on our Internet website at www.gyphillpremiere.com. By the end of the day, I had several emails wanting more information about the artifact.

Kim Fowles wrote:

"Was the date really 1855? I am searching SD newspapers through their historical society and can't find any published in 1855."

It was all I could do to contain myself.

One of my friends said, "I speed read all the articles and I missed the part about reading KWIBS for more information.

The day wasn’t all fun and games. One of my readers called and told my staff that she didn’t find the story funny at all and it was the responsibility of the newspaper to be trustworthy. I agree, but I did not leave my readers hanging. The truth was out there. You just had to read.

My favorite story comes from my son Joey. Joey called me from school on Tuesday, April 1st. Whispering into the phone he said, "Dad, my teacher just mentioned the time capsule story to the entire class and he is really excited about it and asked if any of us had heard about it or seen it."

It was all Joey could do to maintain his composure.

So, I hope you all aren’t too mad at me!

Have a great week!

April Fools' Day or All Fools' Day, though not a holiday in its own right, is a notable day celebrated in many countries on April 1. I know it’s sure celebrated at our house.

The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, my kids, my wife, enemies and neighbors. The aim of which is to embarrass or prank the gullible. In some countries, April Fools' jokes (also called April Fools) are only made before noon on 1 April. I like to celebrate all year long.

Thinking back on some of the pranks I have pulled instantly sparked column material. A lot of which I have done, I can’t print for fear of prosecution or worse, retaliation.

A few years back on April 1st I got the kids up for school and fixed them breakfast. Little did they know, I had filled the bottoms of their cereal bowls with rubber fishing worms! That’s probably the one prank I remember doing to my kids.

My wife and I played an April Fools joke on another couple here in town (name held to protect their identity and to comply with the protection order they might file on us).

It started innocently enough with us jacking their car off the ground and putting blocks under the axles. We did this in a manner that the tires looked like they were on the ground, but they weren’t. My friend got in his car for work, hit reverse, looked back and took his foot off the break, but didn’t go anywhere. Classic.

The next morning I got to work, walked into my office and was ensnared by fishing line. His wife had gotten a key and come into my office earlier and strung fishing line from every conceivable point in my office. I spent over an hour with scissors cutting my way back in. Classic.

There was also this time when my wife decided to fill up Dr. Meador’s Lincoln Towncar with styrofoam peanuts. This resulted in a truce being called and the air vents professionally cleaned. Classic.

One of the greatest pranks ever played on us was the time our former cleaning lady came into our house and completely turned everything upside down and inside out. She rearranged furniture, moved pictures and did a number on our living room. The best part of the joke was that my wife thought I did it and she spent all evening crying because she thought it was the meanest thing I had ever done to her! Classic.

Now for the meanest prank ever - that would go to our former Editor, Mr. David Fasgold.

If you remember a few years back, I had some heart trouble. After a week in the Kansas Heart Hospital and three stents, I was home and on the mend. A day or two into my recovery, David sneaked in to my office from behind and blew a trombone in the back of my head. I lived, so the work on my heart was obviously a success. Classic, but twisted and mean.

I pranked him back by waiting until he was in the restroom and stacking boxes and metal folding chairs against the door. I did this so quietly that he didn’t hear me and when he opened the door, everything fell in on him. Classic.

I wish I had invented the April Fools holiday, but I didn’t. Throughout history, there have been some very classic pranks. Here’s what I found.

In its April 1985 edition, Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans celebrated their teams' amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the author of the article, George Plimpton.

In 1962 there was only one tv channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process. Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

On March 31, 1989 thousands of motorists driving on the highway outside London looked up in the air to see a glowing flying saucer descending on their city. Many of them pulled to the side of the road to watch the bizarre craft float through the air. The saucer finally landed in a field on the outskirts of London where local residents immediately called the police to warn them of an alien invasion. Soon the police arrived on the scene, and one brave officer approached the craft with his truncheon extended before him. When a door in the craft popped open, and a small, silver-suited figure emerged, the policeman ran in the opposite direction. The saucer turned out to be a hot-air balloon that had been specially built to look like a UFO by Richard Branson, the 36-year-old chairman of Virgin Records. The stunt combined his passion for ballooning with his love of pranks. His plan was to land the craft in London's Hyde Park on April 1. Unfortunately, the wind blew him off course, and he was forced to land a day early in the wrong location.

So in case you’re wondering, the story on the front page this week "Time capsule unearthed, reveals city’s original name might have been Medicine Log" is actually a hoax. I wanted to have some fun with everyone and hope it doesn’t ruffle too many feathers.

My Nephew Ryan Landwehr was born on April Fools Day. I’m sure he’ll be thinking up ways to one up Uncle Kevin!

Have a great week

Medicine Log! hehehehe

Some randomness for me this week.

Hi, my name is Kevin and I am an American Idol watcher (everyone say "hello" Kevin).

I’m sad to say, but I am hooked on this show. It’s brilliant up to a certain point. That point is when America gets to vote.

I wish I had an American audience. I sort of do through our website, so maybe everyone in America will read my column on line this week at www.gyphillpremiere.com/kwibs.html

America, did you finally figure out how to use your phones to vote this week? Thank you so much for finally voting off Amanda Overmyer. Surely you all figured out as soon as I did that this girl can’t sing and had NO PLACE on this show. That was like week 1 of the finals.

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Now lets talk politics.

Do you like Borok Obama? How could you not? He’s against the war, but strong on terrorism, a Christian, but not affiliated with his crazy uncle-like pastor, sort of raised Muslim, but not really, mostly black, but a little white.

Do you like Hillary? How could you not? She worked for the poor, while serving on the board of directors for Walmart. She’s pro American, but supports free trade, for NAFTA, but against it, has a lot of experience in the White house, even though recent records show she wasn’t there much and spent a lot of money on vacations during Clinton’s administration and wants healthcare for all of America. Yeah! Oh wait, she wants small businesses like mine to foot the bill.....

Do you like McCain? I haven’t a clue what he’s all about! He looks like a nice old guy and I know he proudly served our country in time of war, served as a POW, and has been a senator for like 100 years and I am going to vote for him.

I wish we could somehow figure out a way to make a show called "American President". It would work just like "American Idol". First you would audition hundreds of potential finalists and then you would narrow it down to 12 contestants that were of no party affiliation whatsover. They would have to perform for all of TV land to see and then we could pick up our phones and vote them through the competition. This process would be cheaper for America and we could skip all the mudflinging and just get down to who is more talented!

I’m guessing Hillary singing "Unchained Melody" would have gotten her kicked off week 1.

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The Euro was up to near $1.60 to our U.S. Dollar last week. the only reason I even know this is because I get a daily briefing from Nick Gaertner, German Foreign Exchange student, living with John Nixon, our neighbor.

It used to be kind of cute to hear him give the report, but now I am just kind of tired of it. Not tired of Nick, but tired of our dollar not doing so good.

Come on U.S. dollar. You can do it! You’ve been strong for so long. Don’t give up now! Some of us have gotten our tax returns and more are on the way. And soon we’ll all have our magic rebate checks to spend and strengthen our economy. Or some of us will run with our money to WalMart and buy crap made in China, strengthening their economic grip on our country. Can you take the hint here? Shop at home and buy American products when possible. That is the only way to strengthen our economy - from the inside out.

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Finally, I read last week that a guy is selling his entire life on Ebay sometime this summer. The guy wants to sell his house in Pertth, Australia, his car, motorcycle, jetski and personal possessions after a nasty break up with his wife of 5 years. What? She didn’t get $40 million? She must not have married a former Beattle. No, this is just an average Joe who wants to start over.

Also included in this auction is the sale of his friends and his job. If you win, you get his job for a two-week trial and he’ll arrange for you to meet his friends. Starting price of his auction will be just shy of $400,000.

I’ve got to run. I just got my rebate check in the mail and I’m going shopping for a new life! Have a great week!!

Three years ago in KWIBS I wrote about how little I actually knew about prom.

Now that I am about to put my 4th prom behind me, I feel that I am somewhat of an expert.

I have had 4 years of my own experience with proms in high school and dates at all of them (including multiple dates my freshman year). I know much more about prom now. At least from a male perspective.

As I’ve learned, from looking at my credit card statement, prom is big business. When you have the gentler of the two chromosomes in your home, it becomes an even more expensive and emotionally draining venture.

Dress shopping was something I used to avoid like the plague by being conveniently busy. Yes, I got out of it and it was to my daughter’s advantage as well as my advantage. Me being forced to go shopping with Breeann for evening attire is nearly as cruel as the time I took her to a tool sale where I spent over an hour shopping for locking pliers.

I had to change my evil ways this year because mamma wasn't around to do the shopping. She was in New Mexico with our boys on spring break. This left me in charge. I had penned off Tuesday for the trip and prepared mentally for shopping with my teenage daughter.

I kept replaying in my mind.

Prom dress $75?

Lunch/Supper $30?

Fuel $30?

Years drained from my life - 1.5?

In reality it was:

Prom dress $180

Lunch/Supper $60

Fuel $60

Years drained from my life - 3

We started the Wichita prom dress shopping trip with a stop to my cousin's office. He's a chiropractor. I figured an adjustment to my spine would be a good start. He told me that as the day went on and my wallet got emptier, I would begin to feel relief in my lower back. However, the pain would move to my head.

Our first stop was to a shop on East Douglas. The shop had sent Breeann an advertising catalog complete with models (who couldn't possibly have been high school girls) wearing formal gowns. The gowns were advertised at "Starting at $99". When we got there, I couldn't find half of a formal that started any where near $99. In fact, the average price was $400-$600.

I tried a "kill two birds with one stone" move.

"Hey Breeann, if you bought this white one, in a few years you could just get married in it!," I said in my smartest, fatherly voice.

She just glared at me and said, "OMG, Dad. It's not a wedding dress. It's a prom dress. Just take me to the mall."

So off to the mall we went. Four shops and five prom dresses later she had found what she thought she liked. Even though my knees were throbbing from the 20 miles of walking from shop to shop I had just done, I kept it as low pressure as possible.

"Dad, you know that there are some other prom dress stores in the other mall," she said.

Thinking quickly I pointed out that if we got all the way to the other side of town and she didn't find one, there was a possibility that this one would be gone. It was, after all (and to my advantage), the last one in the store. We took a walk through the mall and stopped at a couple of other stores before she made up her mind to go back and buy the dress.

I was saved.

The dress came home in a pretty expensive looking garment bag and a hanger that looked like it cost more than my old ratty jean jacket that gets thrown over a doorknob. And to think, I wear that jacket almost every day and she’ll only wear that dress once! I was totally going to score on that hanger….

So dads, I have some advice for those of you who are just beginning the prom adventure for the first time or have daughters coming of age.

Start saving now or begin selling blood plasma while they’re still young (clarification: your blood, not their blood….)

For girls, prom means it’s time to tan. I like a good tan and appreciate having dark skin, but news flash: It’s dark where they have prom! Not only will her date barely see the expensive dress I bought her, he won’t notice the tan unless he carries a densitometer. Tanning begins, at the very least, a month before prom.

Tanning sessions $45

Somewhere in prom history it became necessary for woman to have their real fingernails filed and buffed down to a dull finish and fake, long, synthetic ones glued on over the top. This may be some type of self defense weapon used to ward off other females that ask to dance with their date. I’m not sure, but open up the wallet guys….

Fingernails $30

Polish $5

Prom day finally arrives, but the giant prom money sucking machine is still turned on.

Within five minutes of saying the word "prom" every hair dresser in a 50 mile radius becomes booked up. By mistake, in the past we've waited until 3 weeks before prom to make an appointment locally. With no options for local hair styling left, it meant another trip back to Wichita.

Hairdresser $30

Hair accessories $10

Lunch $30

Fuel $60

Prozac – $100

Sorry guys, even though your cash is depleted and your last credit card just burst into flames when it was swiped, you are not finished.

Make up $15

Picture package $35

Prom night tickets run about $10 (if you’re lucky, her date will pay!)

Prom guys don’t get off too easily either. A good tux will cost you at least $100+ to rent. You also have to take your date somewhere nice to eat and you’ll be expected to buy her flowers.

Grand total (for estimating and budgeting purposes only) of prom 2008 could be around $1,000,000.

Seeing how beautiful my daughter looked as she emerged from the dressing room, wearing the dress I helped her shop for, was simply priceless. And to think, it's my last one before I have to think of which kidney to sell when she decides to get married.

Have a great week!

I hadn’t given a lot of thought to this, but last week I realized my child would be graduating high school in a few months.

I’ve known she was potentially going to graduate for about 6704 days now. Go ahead, do the math.... I actually didn’t make that number up. I just never really thought the time would creep up on me this quickly.

I was told once that having a teenage daughter was like trying to nail jello to the wall. I kind of understand the meaning of this insanity.

There is no way of explaining how difficult it is to go through the motions of the senior year, graduation and then off to college.

A couple of weeks ago we took a college day. This time to PCC. We spent the day at the college meeting a lot of nice folks and getting a taste of what Breeann will need to be successful in her major.

Breeann is interested in becoming a school teacher. We couldn’t be more proud of her for thinking of this. She has given it careful thought and for once, her mother and I agree that this is a good field for her. She is interested in becoming a preschool teacher!

Great! I thought. I know she can color and stay in the lines. I’ve seen her do a fantastic somersaults and she can say her ABCs flawlessly! Give that kid her degree and let her start working!

Well, if only it were that easy. Becoming a teacher, even a preschool teacher, takes a lot of time and education. It won’t be easy, but it will be an incredibly rewarding job.

The tour of the college brought back a lot of memories for me. I went to school there from 1988-1990. I had been back to the college a couple of times since I was a student there, but I hadn’t been back, really back, to where the student life was happening.

We walked the halls and I remembered where certain rooms were. I saw a couple of class rooms and remembered what classes I had taken there almost 20 years ago. The student cafeteria and recreation hall was just being built and was completed about the time I left.

The library was pretty new when I was a student there. I even ran into a former instructor and we shared some stories about my college days.

We continued our tour of the campus and our guide began explaining the process for enrollment, financial aide and scholarships.

All at once I felt a strange sensation. It might have been that I had just gotten over the flu or it could have been a panic attack. As we stopped at the cashier’s window and were handed the fees schedule, the hallways suddenly got narrow and long and I felt myself grabbing for the wall so that I didn’t pass out.

I was warned by a friend last year that the senior year is the most expensive year of the student’s elementary education and then it got worse when they went to college. My friend couldn’t have been more correct. There have been activity fees, enrollment fees, college/high school class fees, invitation fees, cap and gown fees and other "fees" associated with the status of the class. My friend didn’t mention the, oops - I wrecked my car fees, I need a new dress for Sadie Hawkins fees, my college day trip fees, I went over my text messaging limit fees and the list goes on and on....

I had heard that college is expensive and as I looked down the schedule of fees, I could hear cash registers laughing in my head.

There was actually a fee for the paying of the fees "fee". In order to begin making payments you must first pay a $35 fee to set up your account.

Sadly, I have only just begun.

The good news is that PCC is offering her scholarship opportunities, work study, financial aide and success programs that will help her with her future. I think she’ll be in good hands.

The other good news is that she’ll live in the dorms and get to have the college experience and only be a short drive away from home. Her brothers are already casing lots for her room, but I’ve got news for them. I’m making into a weight room!

Just kidding Breeann - Have a great week!

I wish I had an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.....

Last summer I took my two boys, Nicholas and Joey to the McConnell Airforce Base Airshow. I remember it was one of the hottest days of summer. Our mission was to see the Blue Angels.

We wondered around the displays for several hours before the performance. The blistering heat made us spend a lot of money on water and we looked for shade at every stop.

When the Blue Angels Pilots appeared, a long line formed for autographs and pictures. Of course my kids wanted to do that - that was until they saw the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

We quickly cut out of line and Joey posed for this photo.

It was one of the highlights of the entire day.

Last week I was flipping through the news and ran across the following article. I rushed home to share it with the boys. We all got a good laugh.

Wienermobile wipes out

Famed vehicle spins, crashes

on snow-covered PA highway; 'hotdoggers' OK.

February 11, 2008

Reprinted with permission

gosgood@stargazette.com

Star-Gazette Wellsboro Bureau

MANSFIELD -- Let's be frank: motor vehicle accidents aren't much fun for anyone.

But when a 27-foot-long tube-steak spins out on a snow-covered highway, it's bound to generate some grins.

That's what happened Sunday to an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile on Route 15 about two miles south of Mansfield (at least it didn't roll over).

The growler contained two "hotdoggers" -- driver Emily Volpini, 22, of Lexington, Ky., and Caylen Goudie, 22, of Hinsdale, Ill. Although they didn't relish the experience, they weren't hurt, investigating state Trooper Rex Johnson said.

"Hotdoggers" are goodwill ambassadors for Kraft Foods and Oscar Mayer. There are 12 of them in the country -- two for each of the six Wienermobiles. They spend a year on the job traveling around the country. Part of their job is to recruit their replacements.

On Friday and Saturday, Volpini and Goudie and the iconic frankfurter were at Syracuse University, fulfilling the promise to the winner of "A Weekend with the Wienermobile" contest. Sunday morning, the women and the wiener on wheels headed south toward Penn State, where they will try to recruit candidates for the 2008-09 hotdoggers from a stable of Nittany Lion hopefuls.

Mother Nature intervened, though briefly, at 12:20 p.m., putting the plastic porksicle on the median and out of service.

"We thought we had come out of the blizzard," Goudie said. "We thought we were through it. Then we hit a patch of ice. The Wienermobile weighs 7,000 pounds, so usually ice and snow isn't much of a problem. It was this time."

Stuck, Volpini called 911 dispatchers in Wellsboro. Though skeptical at first, they notified state police at Mansfield. As passersby called in the crash on cell phones, the dispatchers became convinced that the barkburger was indeed in hot water.

Police contacted Dave Kurzejewski of Costy's Truck and Auto Mart, and he showed up in short order with a heavy four-wheel-drive vehicle and some chains. Johnson, the trooper, grilled the women briefly and concluded that a routine and sober spinout was all he had on his plate.

Kurzejewski hooked up and Emily fired up the highway hot dog, and a few well-timed tugs later, the Wienermobile was back on the highway.

For Kurzejewski, veteran of hundreds of tows over the years, Sunday's experience was a new one.

"I've pulled out a lot of vehicles," he said. "But that's the first wiener I've ever pulled out."

It was a first for the women, too. They left none the wurst for wear.

"Usually we try to keep from scratching our buns," Goudie said. "But sometimes, things go wrong."

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I want to give a quick HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Sister Rhonda. She qualifies for 30-something spankings today!

Have a great week!

Writer’s block is a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity.

At least that is how the encyclopedia defines it. I also define it as: waiting too long in the week before starting your column and realizing you don’t have anything to write about.

In an average week, by Tuesday evening I have a column idea for the following Monday.

I didn’t last week.

It was Thursday morning and I was up at about 6 a.m. and I was jotting down some subjects. None of them tripping any of my several triggers.

It wasn’t that I had waited too long. I mentioned to Doris that I was struggling for an idea on Wednesday morning. I always ask her what she is writing and she said, "I’m writing about Valentine’s Day."

Darn it. Why didn’t I think of that? And why was Doris already writing her column? I’m usually paging her on Friday afternoon going, "Hey, uh, did you know we’re putting out a paper on Monday and I have this hole on page two and three. I think it might be where your column is supposed to go."

But there she was Wednesday morning, writing her brains out with a subject that I should have been thinking about. Valentine’s Day! I couldn’t steal that from her. She thought of it first, so I looked at the calendar to see what else was happening.

Hmm... Lincoln’s birthday was falling on Tuesday, February 12. He wore a funny hat! Nope, I got nothing.

Doris asked, "How long have you been writing your column?"

I thought back. Way back.

In 1989 my dad moved to Missouri and I remember being in the composing room at the Index early on a Wednesday morning before press time. I was looking at page two where my dad’s column "KWIK KWIBS, JR." was supposed to be and asking, "Hey, what is going here?"

Before KWICK KWIBS, JR., it was just KWICK KWIBS. That was a column my Grandpa Bill Noland wrote starting in the early 1960s.

Nobody had really thought of what was going in that empty space since dad had moved and I didn’t have anything else pressing, so I said, "I’ll write KWIBS this week."

I can’t remember exactly what I wrote, but it had something to do with my dad moving and that hole being filled. I was only 19 at the time and in college part time. I knew my dad would be getting the paper in the mail and would see that I wrote something that was probably horrible (some things never change). I waited for the dreaded phone call telling me that I couldn’t write KWIBS, but it never came.

So I started KWIBS almost 20 years ago and have written an average of 45 columns per year since. That is somewhere in the neighborhood of 900 columns. The paper goes out to around 1000 readers each week and since 1995 is read by another 1200 per week. That’s over a Brazilian readers.

Here are some statistics of KWIBS:

55% of the columns dealt with silly stuff

25% of the columns were about my family

12% of the columns were about friends

5% of the columns had political overtones

4% of the columns were religious in nature

.036% of the columns were about my terrible math skills.

In my 20 years of writing. I have received around 20 nasty letters about my columns, 1 death threat, 90-100 sneers and probably a few more compliments.

As Doris and I continued talking about our columns, we discovered one common denominator. There is a great satisfaction when a column is completed. Sometimes it’s only the feeling of, "wow, I filled this space." But more times than not, it is a feeling of, "I got my thoughts down on paper and it sort of makes sense to me." We just sit back on Monday afternoon and hope that everyone who reads it also gets it.

I hope 101% of you have a great week!

I can’t help myself. I fall into the category of gullible when it comes to purchasing bottled water.

Bottled water is one of the most profitable schemes ever devised to deprive people of their money. I say that as I look at my water bottle to the right of my desk.

In the western world, tap water is about as safe as it can be and it is relatively cheap. Yet people like me are prepared to pay up to 1,500 times as much when the same stuff comes in a bottle.

I’m also the same guy who gripes about paying $3.00 a gallon for gasoline and walks into the quick shop and pays $1.25 for the 20 oz. plastic bottle of water. The gasoline goes through more of a purification process than they put that bottled water through most generally, but then again, I am not going to drink gasoline.

One of the strangest thing about this whole bottled water phenomenon is that this bland commodity made its impact in Britain in the late 1970s at the height of a recession and with raging inflation. There was a general lack of money in people's pockets (and brains as it seems), yet bottled water became an overnight success.

When purchasing bottled water my argument is.... it does taste better than tap water. However, in an article I read on water taste, studies show those who professed to be able to tell the difference failed miserably. The testers used Evian and Highland Spring against local tap water - three waters which had very different characteristics from each other. Even so, only one-third of the 140 people got the correct answer. That is exactly what one would expect to get by chance.

Bottled water is a necessary evil when on vacation in places such as, Mexico, South America and Wichita..... I’ve been a victim of Montezuma’s revenge and it isn’t pretty. I did learn that you not only have to be careful not to drink the water, but also be aware that ice in drinks is nothing more than frozen water from the same area as the water comes from. Duh.....

Now, before I go and get myself into trouble with my local water guy, Leroy Seiler, let me say that his water is absolutely wonderful and is filtered and bottled in a way that guarantees its taste and freshness. I don’t mean for this to be an ad for Eco Water, but it’s a product I believe in and use daily.

Listen though, I’m talking about off the shelf bottled water here, not Leroy’s water. There’s a big difference.

Natural water is never purer than when it falls as rain. Once it hits the ground, however, all that changes. Seeping into the soil, it moves underground through passages and caverns carved over the millennia, eating away at the rock and dissolving metals, salts and minerals along the way. As it goes, its character changes, depending on the type of rock through which it passes. Eventually, it arrives in underground lakes or aquifers - the sources of most bottled mineral waters. And in Kansas, it might travel across a cow patty or two on its way.

Like I said earlier, I’m sinfully guilty for buying this stuff, but I am trying to change my evil ways.

I look at it like this now. I might buy a bottled water when I’m out on the road somewhere and not sure about the quality of the water.

When I do purchase the bottled water, I look for information on how it is filtered, if it is filtered at all and then I look at the purchase from a completely different perspective. I decide that I am making an investment in a plastic bottle and the water is basically just a free gift with the purchase.

I reuse my water bottle for as long as it holds together through the washes and daily abuse it takes. And yes, I refill it with water from Leroy Seiler at Eco Water. Generally, I can get a few weeks out of a water bottle provided I don’t lose it before the end of its life expectancy. But I am thinking a good water bottle from the store will probably cost me $7.00 and I could expect for it to last at least a year.

You have to admit though, someone had a marvelously stupid idea when they went into that marketing meeting with this sales pitch: "We’re going to bottle water and sell it to the people!"

What will they think of next?

Bottled air?

Have a great week!

Attention all of you arm chair quarterbacks, referees and coaches. Superbowl XLII is February 3rd! For those of you non Romans, that’s Superbowl 42.

Don’t be the guy sitting there with nothing to add to Sunday’s Superbowl conversation. I have found 42 interesting facts about the Superbowl.

Enjoy! (Go NYG!!!)

XLII facts about Super Bowl XLII

I. This is the 42nd Super Bowl and the second time it has been held in Arizona. Super Bowl XXX was held at Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe, Arizona (Cowboys 27, Steelers 17).

II. The NFC leads 21-20 all-time but the AFC has won eight of the last 10 games after losing 13 straight.

III. The AFC is the home team in this year’s Super Bowl.

IV. To date 3,205,733 people have attended Super Bowl games.

Careful when you cheer when the coin toss comes up heads ... winning the pregame toss doesn't mean a Super Bowl victory.

V. No Super Bowl has ever gone to overtime.

VI. The team that has won the coin toss is 19-22 all-time in the Super Bowl and has lost the past four straight and nine of the last 11 games. The Patriots lost the coin toss in each of their three Super Bowl wins. They won the coin toss for Super Bowl XXXI and lost the game; they lost the coin toss for Super Bowl XX vs. the Bears and also lost that game. The Giants won the coin toss in Super Bowl XXXV and lost that game; they lost the coin toss in both Super Bowls XX and XXV and won those games.

VII. The Giants-Patriots Super Bowl is the 12th Super Bowl to feature two teams that met during the regular season. The team that lost the regular-season meeting has won six of the previous 11 matchups. The last matchup was Super Bowl XXXVI between the Patriots and Rams (Rams won regular season; Patriots won the Super Bowl)

VIII. The Giants-Patriots Super Bowl is only the second time that the two Super Bowl participants have met in the final regular season game; the other occurrence was in 1977 when the Cowboys and Broncos met in Week 14 and then in Super Bowl XII. The Cowboys won both games. (The Giants and Patriots also met in the final game of this year's preseason; The Patriots won that game 27-20).

IX. The Patriots have 20 players with Super Bowl experience on their current roster; the Giants have three.

X. Patriots LB Tedy Bruschi will be playing in his fifth Super Bowl; he is the 15th player to play in five Super Bowls. He is the seventh player to play in five Super Bowls with the same team, joining Larry Cole (Cowboys), Cliff Harris (Cowboys), D.D. Lewis (Cowboys) Charlie Waters (Cowboys), Rayfield Wright (Cowboys) and John Elway (Broncos).

With another Super Bowl MVP award, Tom Brady will tie Joe Montana for the most all-time.

XI. 21 Quarterbacks have been named MVP of the Super Bowl, the most of any position.

XII. Tom Brady is one of four players with multiple Super Bowl MVP awards –- the three others are quarterbacks as well: Bart Starr (2), Joe Montana (3) and Terry Bradshaw (2).

XIII. Tom Brady is 1 of 4 players with three Super Bowl wins as a starting QB. The other three are Terry Bradshaw (4), Joe Montana (4) and Troy Aikman (3).

XIV. Tom Brady is the 23rd NFL MVP to play in the Super Bowl in the same season. The last MVP to win a Super Bowl the same season was Kurt Warner in Super Bowl XXXIV in 1999. Overall, 10 NFL MVPs have won the Super Bowl in the same season. In 1968, Earl Morrall won the NFL title but lost Super Bowl III to the Jets.

XV. The Patriots are making their sixth Super Bowl appearance –- and fourth in last seven years. The Patriots are the fourth franchise to make six Super Bowl appearances, joining the Cowboys (8), Steelers (6) and Broncos (6).

Bill Walsh won all three times he led the 49ers to the Super Bowl.

XVI. The Patriots have won three Super Bowls; with a win they’ll join the Steelers (5), Cowboys (5) and 49ers (5) as the only franchises to win 4 Super Bowls.

XVII. Bill Belichick is the eighth head coach to appear in four Super Bowls. The others are Don Shula (6), Tom Landry (5), Chuck Noll (4), Joe Gibbs (4), Bud Grant (4), Marv Levy (4) and Dan Reeves (4).

XVIII. Belichick is one of four coaches to win three Super Bowls. The others are Chuck Noll (4-0), Bill Walsh (3-0) and Joe Gibbs (3-1).

XIX. Since 2001, the Patriots are 24-7 when meeting teams for the second or third (Jets, 2006) time in the same season.

XX. Junior Seau is making his second Super Bowl appearance; the first since Super Bowl XXIX. The 13 years between Super Bowl appearances is the longest span in the game’s history.

XXI. The Patriots are the third team to win 18 games in a season, including playoffs. The ’85 Bears (18-1) and ’84 49ers (18-1) also won 18 games.

Junior Seau's Super Bowl XXIX experience was a bitter one.

XXII. The Patriots are the 11th team to go 10-0 at home, including the playoffs. Of the previous 10 to accomplish the feat, 8 of them won the Super Bowl (only the 1990 Bills and 1988 Bengals lost).XXIII. The Patriots led the NFL with 36.8 PPG this season, the highest in the Super Bowl era.

XXIV. The Patriots are the 17th team to lead the NFL in scoring and reach the Super Bowl. The previous 16 teams are 9-7 in the Super Bowl (last two -- the ’05 Seahawks and ’01 Rams -- have lost). The last team to lead the NFL in scoring and win the Super Bowl was the ’99 Rams in XXXIV.

XXV. The Giants will be playing in their 18th NFL title game dating back to 1933. The Giants have won five NFL championships in their history –- including two Super Bowls.

XXVI. The Giants' 18 NFL championship game appearances are the most in NFL history.

Eli Manning was a No. 1 overall pick, but was originally selected by the Chargers.

XXVII. Eli Manning is the seventh No. 1 overall pick to start the Super Bowl at quarterback; the others are Peyton Manning, Drew Bledsoe, Troy Aikman, John Elway, Jim Plunkett and Terry Bradshaw.

XXVIII. 18 sets of brothers to have reached the Super Bowl. Eli and Peyton Manning are the first set of brothers at quarterback.

XXIX. Eli Manning is the only quarterback in the 2007 playoffs yet to throw an interception. Of the 12 quarterbacks in the 2007 playoffs, he had the most interceptions during the regular season (20) -- tied for the most in the NFL with Jon Kitna and Carson Palmer.

XXX. Eli Manning is the seventh quarterback in the Super Bowl era (since 1966) to throw 20 interceptions in the regular season and reach the Super Bowl.

XXXI. This is the second straight season in which the NFC quarterback in the Super Bowl threw 20 interceptions in the regular season (last year, Rex Grossman threw 20 interceptions, and threw three in the playoffs, two in the Super Bowl). The other to throw 20 interceptions during the regular season and then reach the Super Bowl are Kurt Warner (22 in 2001), Phil Simms (22 in 1986), Terry Bradshaw (25 in 1979 and 20 in 1978) and Darryl Lamonica (20 in 1967). The only two Super Bowl quarterbacks to throw 20 interceptions during the regular season and not throw one in the playoffs were Boomer Esiason in 1990 and Simms in 1986.

XXXII. Tom Coughlin is coaching in his first Super Bowl as a head coach. Head coaches making their Super Bowl debut are 20-22.

XXXIII. Tom Coughlin has coached 205 career games, including the playoffs. That is the most games coached before making a Super Bowl debut as a head coach.

XXXIV. The Giants are 10-1 away from Giants Stadium and 3-5 at home this season.

XXXV. The Giants are the third team to reach the Super Bowl by winning three straight road games, joining the ’05 Steelers and ’85 Patriots.

Hines Ward helped the wild-card Steelers win Super Bowl XL.

XXXVI. The Giants are the ninth wild-card team to reach the Super Bowl. Wild-card teams are 4-4 in the Super Bowl. The ’05 Steelers were the last wild-card team to win.

XXXVII. The Giants are the fourth team to reach the Super Bowl following a 0-2 start. They join the ’01 Patriots, ’96 Patriots and ’93 Cowboys.

XXXVIII. The Giants are the only team in NFL history to win 10 straight road games in a season.

XXXIX. Bill Belichick (15) and Tom Coughlin (7) have 22 postseason victories combined, tied for the second most in Super Bowl history among opposing coaches and surpassed only by the 25 combined playoff wins by Tom Landry and Chuck Noll in Super Bowl XIII.

XL. Giants long snapper/linebacker Zak DeOssie’s father Steve DeOssie played in Super Bowl XXV as a member of the Giants (Belichick was the defensive coordinator of that Giants team). The DeOssie’s are the ninth different father-son combo to reach the Super Bowl.

XLI. When he appears in the game, Jeff Feagles will be the oldest Super Bowl participant at 41 years, 335 days. The previous oldest was Mike Horan at 40 years, 363 days. Feagles began his career with the Patriots in 1988.

XLII. Giants DE Justin Tuck and Patriots LB Adalius Thomas are cousins. Tuck’s father and Thomas’ father are first cousins. - From NFL.com

Have a great week!

If it doesn’t work out exactly the way you wanted it to, then cry.

That seems to be the trend last week. Just before the New Hampshire Primaries, Hillary Clinton made a tearful plea to voters when she learned she was behind in the polls to Barack Obama and she almost came to tears as she defended her reasons for running for the presidency.

Hillary Clinton showed some emotion and it won her New Hampshire. Alpha males everywhere sighed. They collectively rolled their eyes and asked: does crying help a woman get what she wants?

People really don’t have any idea of the stress she’s under. She’s tired, hormonal, she has people touching her hair and fussing with her makeup. Obama probably doesn’t have to participate in discussions on whether it’s best to pluck his eyebrows or not.

I’m not saying it wasn’t genuine emotion, but maybe it was just a little bit inappropriate in her situation. Crying might get you out of a speeding ticket, but it shouldn’t help you win the position of the most powerful leader in the free world.

Can you imagine Ronald Reagan and Mikel Gorbachev during negotiations to eliminate intermediate-range nuclear missiles if Reagan would have cried?

Reagan: Please Mr. Gorbachev, we’ve increased our military spending by 35% this year and eventually, sniff-sniff, we’ll bankrupt both of our countries if we don’t stop spending like this.

Gorbachev: You’re being a big cry baby. I don’t buy your Hollywood drama for one minute. I’m pushing the button. I mean it Ronny!

Reagan: Sniff-sniff..... But what about all the good work I’ve done for the free world?

Gorbachev: Okay, let’s hug. Here’s my hanky....

Reagan: While we’re at it, sniff-sniff, can you tear down that Berlin Wall?

Frankly, I think our country needs a leader with, well, equipment that Hillary just doesn’t have..... It’s only my opinion.

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And alright all of you Cowboy haters (and Kenny Joe Rinke), here’s your moment of ZEN: T.O. (Terrell Owens) crying in the post-game press conference after the Cowboys became the first #1 seed since the NFL playoff format was changed in 1990 to lose its playoff opener.

He wore pitch-black aviator shades to his postgame news conference. And he needed them to shield his eyes, which dripped tears when the subject turned to Tony Romo.

"It’s not about Tony," he said, his voice even and flat. "You guys can point the finger at him. You can talk about the vacation. ..."

His voice trailed off, then cracked and wobbled. But Owens continued on. He fought to contain his sobs, blurting out sentences between them.

"If you do that, that’s really unfair," Owens said. "Really unfair. That’s my teammate. That’s my quarterback. We lost as a team. We lost as a team, man."

Somebody give that guy a tissue and then slam him to the turf. Get a grip man. You’re a Dallas Cowboy, not a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

Everyone knows the reason Dallas lost their playoff game is because I wore my Tony Romo jersey and everytime I’ve worn my jersey the Cowboys blow it. I even wore my jersey to church one Sunday and they lost. Last weekend I wore it to Bible Study and still no help. It’s all my fault, sniff-sniff. I’m shopping for a Tom Brady jersey this weekend, sniff-sniff.

Have a great week!

Somehow, somewhere cell phones sneaked up on us and became a necessary evil in our lives. I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but I can’t imagine living without one now.

Years ago cell phones were enormous devices, carried in heavy bags or boxes that only a few elite citizens could afford. Now everyone has one.

I remember my first "portable" bag phone. It weighed about 30 lbs. You had to stop and get out of the vehicles on high ground, put a magnetic antenna on the roof and pay like $1 per minute to get something that sounded like AM radio.

Without argument, the cell phone has been one of the greatest inventions of the modern communication era. You can now be accessible almost anytime, anywhere. Those are the pro’s. The con’s are you are now accessible almost anytime, anywhere.

So really the pro’s and con’s cancel each other out. When you top off the fact that people who talk on cell phones in public places are annoying, then you have way more con’s than pro’s.

Here’s an example:

You’re in a book store. Generally, book stores are like libraries and they are quiet. Some woman walks into the aisle you are in and she’s reading the back of the book to someone on the other end of the phone. Only, this lady is so loud you would have thought she was calling in an air strike on a Pacific Island over a WWII radio.

"The book is about people who talk too much and how to make them stop!"

A perfect way to handle something like this would be to shout back in an equally loud voice, "HEY EVERYONE, SHE’S ON THE PHONE, BE QUIET!"

As if always having a phone to the side of your head isn’t annoying enough, now they have those Blue Tooth devices. These are the devices that make the user look like they are Uhura from Star Trek. This is some great technology. Too lazy to hold the phone up to your ear? Try this device.... The only thing better is if the user were to dematerialize into thin air. Beam me up, Scotty. *Poof*.... applause....

I see people wandering around talking to themselves and I think, poor crazy people. Then I get closer and I see they have something sticking out of their ear - some of them anyway...

And if you are going to be receiving multiple calls, you should have a different ring tone for everyone who decides to reach you.

My daughter is a habitual offender of ring tones. She actually just got her phone back from a two week hiatus after charging nearly $90 worth of ring tones to my account.

When I got the bill my first words were, "Is this a phone or a jukebox?"

When her boyfriend calls her phone plays, "My Baby Loves Me Just The Way That I Am" - by Martina McBride.

When I call it’s, "Papa Don’t Preach" - by Madonna.

Well not really, but that’s what I feel like.....

I know this guy and when his wife calls his cell phone the death star theme from Star Wars plays. It’s hilarious.

And texting.... oh my. I wanted to hate message texting up until the time I began using it.

It’s brilliant!

If you don’t like talking to people and wish your conversations could be shorter and on your terms, then you need texting. I actually prefer being texted than having to answer the phone and speak.

Conversation: "How R U?" - "IM Fine". End of conversation.

You can also get news sent right to your phone now. Several news agencies let you subscribe to their news text services. Last week I got this message: U.S. & BRITISH FORCES ATTACKED A HOUSING ESTATE IN PAKISTAN TODAY. 250 ARE REPORTED DEAD AND 400 INJURED. A SPOKESMAN SAYS THEY WILL ATTACK THE SECOND HOUSE TOMORROW.

Oh, I have to go - call waiting.....

Have a great week!

Here it is, my favorite publication of the year. It’s the one with the Letters to Santa.

Why do I like this edition most? It’s because kids ask for the funniest things from Santa for Christmas.

I always have my favorites. This year is no different with the exception of what one little fellow wants.

He simply writes:

A dirt bike guiter hero monkey marbl run labtops PSP PS3 girlfrend - new bed.

Love Tallyn

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I suppose, if I could sit on Santa’s lap this year and ask for anything I wanted, I would be stumped.

Sure, I’d love more money, a new truck, a 50" plasma display, a brand new Fender P-Bass, and the list goes on and on..... But I have everything I need.

I have a beautiful wife, three great children, many family and friends, a roof over my head, plenty to eat and my freedom.

But there is the difference between wants and needs. I want lots of stuff, but I don’t really need anything (Maybe some new socks and underwear). My needs are met and the greatest gift I have is God’s love - his Son Jesus and my family and friends. What more could a person actually ever need?

Luke 1: 30 But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. 31You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. 32 He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."

God Bless you and Merry Christmas!

I received this from Bill Barnard last week and got such a kick out of it that I had to share it with you all. I will be sending one. I hope you do too!

HOPE YOU ALL WILL TAKE THE TIME AND 41 CENTS TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS A GREAT IDEA - IT ONLY TAKES A CHRISTMAS CARD!!!!

What at clever idea!

Send them a card....

Yes, Christmas cards.

Want to have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.

As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world.

Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.

Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's not the Christian way you know ;)

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions.

So spend 41 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a " Holiday Tree". . .

It's always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!

And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!

For those of you who aren't aware of them, the ACLU, (the American Civil Liberties Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or anything Christian away from us. They represent the atheists and others in this war. Help put Christ back in Christmas!

Have a great week!

I’m "taking a knee" this week so that Deana can have a word.

Briefly, but with great conviction, I again remind you to shop at home this Christmas season. I really believe that we can make a difference in our community simply by shopping with our local merchants. Many retailers in the big city make more than 50% of their gross annual sales during the holidays. Wouldn’t it be cool to put that money into our home town?

Have a great week!

This might sound really sad, but I dread Christmas. I don’t dread the celebration of the birth of Christ, I dread the getting ready and gift-giving part. Don’t get me wrong, I love to give, I just hate buying stuff that people may not actually want or even need.

I knew how I felt when I got my 10th pair of fake-deerskin slippers. I just tossed them in the back of the closet. I figured eventually I would either like to wear them or grow 4 more pairs of feet and have a use for them.

Every Christmas has been the same since my childhood. I would get 2 or 3 really good gifts and the rest were just stinkers.

I remember a few years ago I got some pretty bad gifts and put them in the pantry. A few weeks went by and my oldest son and I decided to go out and shoot guns for the afternoon. We didn’t have anything to shoot at and suddenly I had this bright idea. Why don’t we target practice on the bad Christmas gifts? This is all in fun. I am grateful for all the gifts I receive, especially cash and gift cards!

Here are some ideas of things you can do with unwanted Christmas gifts.

Regifting! You have to be super careful when re-gifting. First, you don’t want to regive a gift to the person who gave it to you in the first place and second, you have to be careful that it is a "regiftable" gift. For instance: Nobody knows that you regifted a fruitcake from last Christmas. Everyone knows if you regift a puppy.

Tell your family you were robbed! A simple solution... Burgle yourself! (Trash the crap and tell everyone you were robbed. Avoid all queries as to why the burglar chose 10 pairs of bikini underwear and cheap chocolates over your DVD player and PC).

Make a contribution! Wait for the next time a little kid comes knocking on the door looking for sponsorship in a walkathon, bikeathon or readathon or whatever-athon they are having. Rather than sponsor with money, dig deeper (into the pile), hand over the Celine Dion CD and brand new $1.99 digital watch with the dead battery.

Create something from your bad gifts! By the time they've given you toaster number 28, you have enough to dismantle and make your own tanning lounge. Threaten the kids with toasting if they won't eat their veggies.

Okay, so some of that was just being mean, but you understand where I am coming from. Sometimes there is just too much pressure in giving gifts.

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You’re probably thinking that I am a Scrooge, but I’m really not. We have fun at our house!

I know that the Christmas tree symbolizes the season, but I sometimes dread that too. I know that the weekend after Thanksgiving my football game will be interrupted with, "Honey, why don’t you go out into the garage and get the tree?"

What I really hear is, "Hey, get off your butt. I don’t care that the Cowboys are tied up with 2 minutes to go in the game. Tip toe across the cold concrete floor, stand on a ladder and throw your back out trying to pull that tree off of that dusty shelf!"

It’s all good once the tree is put together and my attitude always changes as each layer of branches gets unbent and stabbed into position.

Ronda puts on her traditional Christmas music and it reminds me of why I hate Kathie Lee Gifford and everyone else who thinks they can sing and should put out a favorite Christmas music CD.

After arguing where the tree should go, our tree went together in about an hour. And to my surprise, I only had two bulbs burned out this year. That’s one more than last year. I put those towards the back. Eventually we’ll be down to one light and I’ll know it’s time to buy a new string.

It’s my job to put the tree together. It’s Ronda’s job to dig out the ornaments and it’s the kids’ jobs to decorate the tree. It’s also Ronda’s job to take down the Christmas decorations. That usually happens at 12:01 a.m. December 26th.

The kids make the tree decorating a full contact sport. They make fun of each other’s ornaments and someone usually ends up crying. That process takes around an hour and always results in some broken ornaments and a tree that leans to one side.

After the kids go to bed, Ronda and I redecorate the tree.

Have a great week!!!

I don’t know what I was thinking, but I had skipped breakfast last Monday morning. I was sitting in my office and my stomach was making that processing sound without food present.

I had lost track of time, but when I heard the whistle blow, I knew it was time to take a break and get some lunch!

I ran out to my truck and looked at my clock. It was only 11 a.m., not noon.

Uh, that would have been the noon whistle I heard, but someone forgot to "Fall Back".

I ran into Ted Hauser, City Administrator on Tuesday. I mentioned the whistle blowing at the wrong time. It must show my age. I’m griping about things like the whistle blowing at the wrong time. I’ll just let everyone know right now to stay off my lawn.

Ted informed me that, "It’s not the city’s job."

"In fact, when it blows at 11 a.m., it wakes me up from my nap," he said jokingly.

Apparently, it’s the county’s job to set the clock for the noon whistle. I think it should also be the county’s job to set the clock on my VCR that’s still flashing 12:00 a.m., but I and my stomach would settle for the whistle blowing at noon and not at 11 a.m. on Monday.

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I’m not meaning to pick on Ted Hauser, but I have a funny story from last weekend.

I ran into Ted during the raffle drawing at the Christmas Open House in Medicine Lodge. Ted was pretty sure he was going to be a winner that day. Most everyone I spoke with was convinced they would win the grand prize meat bundle. It was mandatory that you be present to win this item, so almost everyone was there.

Ted was there. I’m sure he thought he was going to be a winner and he was! Ted’s name was drawn. I believe he won a candle. Ted was so excited that he ran off to show his wife. When he did, they drew again for the grand prize - the 300 lb. meat bundle. Guess who’s name was drawn? That’s right - Ted Hauser! Well, he wasn’t present, so he lost the meat bundle to Faye Whelan and I’m sure Ted’s wife is saying, "Where’s the beef?"

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Here’s one that will make you say, "duh."

While blondes may have more fun, a new study suggests that fair-haired ladies may be making those around them dumber.

Researchers found that men's scores on general knowledge tests drop when they are shown photos of blonde women, the Sunday Times of London reported.

Upon further inspection, it was found that the test subjects were not distracted by the light hair, but driven by social stereotypes to "think blonde."

"This proves that people confronted with stereotypes generally behave in line with them," Thierry Meyer, joint author of the study and professor of social psychology at the University of Paris X-Nanterre, told the Times of London. "In this case blondes have the potential to make people act in a dumber way, because they mimic the unconscious stereotype of the dumb blonde."

The study indicates a belief by scientists that stereotyping is a powerful driving force in interacting with others.

Another waste of government money...

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Folks, if you haven’t noticed, gasoline is $3.19 a gallon. I’ve always been an advocate for shopping at home, but now more than ever you have a reason. If you’re shopping for Christmas gifts and you are looking to save on an item because it is a few dollars cheaper in Pratt or Wichita, I would encourage you to buy a calculator while you are there because you are not going to save money.

Take a day and look at your local retailers. If they don’t have what you want, they can probably get it for you. You’ll not only save money, but you’ll put money into your local economy as well.

Have a great week!

The list of contaminated toys "made in China" keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I’m sure if I spent some time digging through my kids’ toys, I could come up with enough lead to poison the entire grade school.

What shocks me the most about toys made in China is the sheer quantity of toys that are made there. I was watching the news at lunch on Monday and the news anchor listed only a few companies in the United States that make toys. Let me tell you - they are few, and the ones that are made in the good ole’ U.S.A, well, frankly they are terrible toys. I know I wouldn’t want to play with them if I were a kid.

I’m going to discuss some of these toys and why they are terrible. This is a real website where you can go and purchase real toys that are made in the U.S.A. Some aren’t too bad, but in the spirit of my column, I am focusing on the ones that are just stupid....

The website is: www.fatbraintoys.com

Soda Pop Kit - Invent your own secret soda formulas, create some fizz, experiment with flavors and colors, conduct taste tests, and get started on your life of obesity and type II diabetes. What kind of ploy is this? If you buy this toy for your kid and your kid doesn’t die in his or her mid-thirties, good job parent!

Good Luck Egg Micro-Terrarium - Remember the funny uncle who smelled like sandal wood, liked Pink Floyd and always had Oreo cookies stashed in his room? When you finally kill the plants included with this toy, you can start your kid off learning how to grow their own illegal substances in the upstairs window of your home. Hemp seed not included. Good luck with your 5-7 year prison sentence.

Fort Canister (Lincoln Log Knock-Offs) - Made in the USA since 1930, this Log Building set is still made of real wood and still tastes just as bad as they did when I was a kid. Remember how they would stain your mouth brown?

Collectors Edition Slinky - Now your kid too can be bored stupid with a coiled up piece of metal that comes no where close to making it down the stairs as shown on TV. I always wanted to watch the person who gave me this toy topple down the stairs. The only fun I had with a slinky was to hand my sister one end of it and say, "hold this", as I stretched it out and let it fly back towards her at super slinky speed. Sorry about that sis.

Gold Plated Slinky - For the rich, bored kid.

Super-Snow Bulk Bag - Simply combine water with Super Snow, stir and instantly make boredom! The more you stir, the more it shines and sparkles! The more it shines and sparkles, the less friends you have. An actual review of this product read: "Super Snow was horrible. Not as good as original product (Sno) that this product copied. It was too slushy regardless of the amounts of snow or water we used. (Note From Fat Brain Toys: We apologize Super Snow was a Super Slush. Mr. Hood was contacted and will be returning Super Snow for a full refund.) I just can’t get over that someone copied this toy in the first place!

Pick-Up Sticks - I know, you’re saying, "Hey, I had those as a kid." Now admit how terrible they were and think of the health risks. Give your kid a sharp pointy object and hope to God they don’t poke their eye out or their friend’s eye out. Do you remember Yard Darts? Now that was a cool game, but you don’t see those on the shelves anymore either do you?

By the way, Pick Up Sticks are believed to have originated in ancient China of all places.

Dinosaur Marshmallows - Great, the real reason dinosaurs became extinct. Our kids ate them.... I’m not even going to begin to describe how dumb this is.

Okay, so these are pretty wholesome toys and would probably be fun for like 5 or 10 minutes when it is pouring down rain outside and the electricity is off, but come on....

No wonder why China is kicking our butts. America, we need to get creative.

Have a great week!

Well, if this isn’t a bunch of crap, I dont know what is.

I can’t believe it. I even printed it on my own paper! What really stinks is I didn’t pay much attention to it at first.

As part of a creative fundraiser, The Barber County Jr. Leaders are preparing to hold what they call, "Cow Chip Bingo". I just sensed several old ladies perking up at the mention of BINGO, but wait, there’s more.

In this country-style fundraiser, 100 squares will be drawn on the ground. Each square will be sold and half the proceeds will be given to the lucky person who owns the square in which the cow leaves its first cow pie!

Hilarious... I love small-town living.

Approximately $500 will be given per cow.

In a release from the Wendy Prosser, this "Chippin´" good time is set to take place on Sunday, November 18th at 5:00pm following the Medicine Lodge Christmas Open House and Craft Show. It will be located at the corner of Kansas and Oak in Medicine Lodge.

While waiting for the "chips" to fall a freewill donation supper will be served. The menu includes homemade ham and beans and country stew. If you would like to get in on a piece of the "pie" you can purchase your squares from the Jr. Leaders booth at the Medicine Lodge Christmas Open House and Craft Show from 1pm to 5pm that day. You can also contact Paula Doman (620-886-3971) or Wendy Prosser (620-886-5714). Tickets are $10 for each square.

You do not have to be present to win, but you´ll miss out on a great time. The Jr. Leaders are using the proceeds from the fund raiser to go skiing in Colorado this Spring.

I wonder, if you win do you get to shout some explicit?

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In Britain last week, health officials decided that Santa is too fat! Santa is being told to slim down for the Christmas season because Santa is too obese and is failing to set a "good example" for children.

This revelation comes after a medical report earlier that stated by 2050 more than 50 percent of Britains will be obese, and probably toothless.

There must be an evil think tank somewhere that sits around and thinks of ways to further screw up Christmas. First they take Christ out and make it Xmas and then we make Santa a skinny guy. I’ll bet these guys are the same people who convince the big shopping centers to put out Christmas stuff right before Halloween.

And they're even sending Santa to boot camp!

Bluewater's Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolize him.

I'm all about excercise. I think it should be a part of everyone's life, but I'm not sure Santa is a bad example for children.

Besides, has anyone not noticed that this fat guy seems to be the epitomy of health? He's been around for more than 1500 years, doesn't ever seem stressed and has plans to be around for many years to come with no plans for retirement.

I can see a skinny Santa at the mall and kids lined up to sit on his.... uh, leg.

"Ouch Santa, You're bony knee is hurting my fat little behind," said Timmy.

I'm thinking we should lay off Santa and focus on Timmy here. Timmy should switch out his after school potato chip bag for a banana and lay down the video game controller, pick up a soccer ball and go outside! When he does finally sit on Santa's lap and asks for candy and video games, Santa should give him a loving squeeze and say, "Not this year Timmy. I'm bringing you a Total Gym XL3000! HO-HO-HO!"

Come on. Leave Santa alone. Can you imagine being a skinny guy flying around the world in the dead of winter at 30,000 feet, delivering presents to children and not having the extra padding?

Have a Jolly week!

In 1918, on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day in the eleventh month, the world rejoiced and celebrated. After four years of bitter war, an armistice was signed. The "war to end all wars" was over.

In 1921, an unknown World War I American soldier was buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

Similar ceremonies occurred earlier in England and France, where an unknown soldier was buried in each nation's highest place of honor (in England, Westminster Abbey; in France, the Arc de Triomphe).

These memorial gestures all took place on November 11, giving universal recognition to the celebrated ending of World War I fighting at 11 a.m.

Armistice Day officially received its name in America in 1926 through a Congressional resolution. It became a national holiday 12 years later by similar Congressional action. If the idealistic hope had been realized that World War I was "the War to end all Wars," November 11 might still be called Armistice Day. But only a few years after the holiday was proclaimed, war broke out in Europe.

Realizing that peace was equally preserved by veterans of WW II and Korea, Congress was requested to make this day an occasion to honor those who have served America in all wars. In 1954 President Eisenhower signed a bill proclaiming November 11 as Veterans Day.

A law passed in 1968 changed the national commemoration of Veterans Day to the fourth Monday in October. It soon became apparent, however, that November 11 was a date of historic significance to many Americans. Therefore, in 1978 Congress returned the observance to its traditional date.

On Friday, November 9th, our community will gather at MLHS to honor our area's veterans. The ceremony will be held in the MLHS Auditorium at 1:15 p.m. Mr. Hill’s junior history classes will have the Memorabilia Museum at the Christian Church Family Live Center from 9 a.m. to noon. This is a very cool museum and kudos to Mr. Hill for keeping this tradition alive.

It has become an annual celebration of great importance. If you have never been to this program, I encourage you to attend.

Every day 1,000 WWII veterans die. Soon a generation of kids will no longer be able to say they knew a veteran from WWII.

Over the past year, I was privileged to take part in a project that has recorded the memories of 50 WWII veterans. You've read about it in the newspaper and I don't need to go into great detail about it. The project met its goal of 50 veteran interviews. Approximately 30 of these WWII veterans are from around the Medicine Lodge area. 16 of the interviews were from the South Barber area and were completed by the Kiowa schools before the project began. One interview was from a veteran near Protection, Kansas and the remainder were scattered throughout Barber County.

The oral accounts and the video taped interviews will be available from The Lincoln Library and will also be a part of the media center to be located at The Greater Barber County Historical Action Association’s Heritage building on HWY 160.

Since the time the interviews began, we've lost 3 of these veterans. One in particular that was dear to my heart was Bob Gilmore. I had known Bob since I was just a child. It was such an honor to hear his story. It was an honor to hear all of the veterans' stories. It's for veterans like Bob Gilmore that we honor them with a celebration at MLHS.

WWII is only the beginning of the veterans we honor in our community. Several wars and conflicts later, our community continues to have their sons and daughters serve their country in peace time and in times of conflict. All of them deserve our praise and gratitude.

And finally, Phelps's abuse of the first amendment may be coming to an end. As a Kansan, I applaud the decision by the jurors to award nearly $11 million in damages to the family of Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder. And I pray to God that Phelps and his group, or any group for that matter, are censured from disrupting any more time of mourning for families laying to rest their fallen sons and daughters. This is distasteful and does not represent the love of Christ that my Bible so clearly displays. God Bless the Snyder family and God Bless every family who lost someone in the line of service to their country. Remember our Veterans with honor this coming Veterans Day.

Have a great week!

"Green car. NO!!!!!"

That’s all the poor kid could cry as Ronda and I left Newcastle, OK last weekend in David’s Explorer.

I pulled up the drive way behind her and took 2-year-old Ben Fasgold’s photo as he reached out towards the vehicle that he had apparently become so attached to all his short life.

David Fasgold was ready for a new vehicle and made us an offer we couldn’t refuse. As you know, David and his family moved to Newcastle, OK nearly one year ago. I was going to be going to Oklahoma City over the weekend, so it just seemed like a good opportunity to take Ronda with me to drive the Explorer back to Medicine Lodge.

Ben was just a little guy when he left Medicine Lodge a year ago, but he was still happy to see us when we got there. He took Ronda by the hand to show her his latest toys in the driveway. David and I slipped off to finalize paperwork and exchange money for merchandise while she kept Ben entertained.

We knew something was up by the concerned look on his face when we were checking over the Explorer. For being so young, he knew something was transpiring and he told us several times, "My Green Car." It was half question and half matter of fact.

But when Ronda jumped in the front seat and hit the ignition, the tears flowed as "Green Car" drove away.

David gave me a call a day later to tell me Ben was doing better, but he was pretty tore up about "Green Car". As it turns out, the tears didn’t stop flowing when the car was out of sight. Ben cried himself to sleep with, "Green car gone" and "bye-bye Green car....." The first words out of his mouth the next day were, "Where’s Green Car?"

Of course David wanted to know if I was happy with the car and I told him that it got really good gas mileage on the way back and everything checked out fine.

When I say "checked out fine" I mean things like:

a) it starts

b) it goes forward and backwards

c) it stops

d) the stereo kicks butt

For those of you who know David, you know he is very meticulous about his vehicles. Before we got to Newcastle he cleaned it all out and detailed it. It actually had the greasy feel and new car smell to it. He had even bought new sparkplugs, but hadn’t had the time to install them.

When I got there he actually felt bad because he forgot to tell me that one of the door locks wasn’t working all the time. It was really no big deal, but he was concerned that he had forgotten to tell me.

In actuality, the car was in even better condition than I remembered.

Ronda drove the Explorer back to Medicine Lodge that afternoon with no issues.

Then on Monday morning Ronda took off in "Green Car" to go get the newspapers from the printing plant. Just 15 miles from our house Bambi entered the roadway and Ronda laid on the horn. The horn didn’t work. That was probably check point "e" that I didn’t check before I left Newcastle. It didn’t seem important.

She slammed on the breaks, but it wasn’t in time and "Green Car" hit brown deer. Ronda, shaken, got out of the vehicle to check the damage and to see if she killed the deer. The deer jumped up and took off. The Explorer wasn’t quite as lucky. The headlight housing was busted and the blinker light was broken out, but other than that, no cosmetic damage - just a bunch of fur sticking out of the bumper cover.

I emailed David to tell him about the car.

"I want my money back. The horn doesn’t work."

David called me later and felt really bad.

"I don’t remember ever having to honk the horn," he said.

I believe him. He’s that kind of guy.

He did say that there were deer horns on the vehicle and was surprised they didn’t work. I told him that they were probably installed backwards.

Have a great week!

Last month I was awarded a prestigious position as owner of my very own Fantasy Football team. This coveted position is only bestowed on one when a previous owner: a) moves away; b) doesn’t pay their entry fee and shows no interest; c) dies.

Fortunately for both the former own