One of my favorite weekly pastimes is reading area newspapers.

My mission is to keep up on some of the Newspaper Publisher "Old-timers", as I like to call them. My "Old-timers are Bob McQuin of the Kingman Leader-Courier, Bob Greer of the Protection Press and Dennise Andersen of the Coldwater Western Star.

These are three newspaper publishers that I have known since I was barely able to measure up to a pica pole (newspaper lingo).

Back in the early 1970s, my Uncle Gary, my Grandpa Bill and my Dad Ron used to print these area newspapers at our printing plant in the old Index building on First Street. I would be entertained weekly by the publishers from Coldwater and Protection. I still keep in contact with them and Bob Greer still makes his monthly stops by my office to steal my toilet paper. He says the same thing every time, "I’m on my way to Wichita to check on my doctor."

When I was finally old enough to stand on milk crates to reach the press controls, I began helping with the press work and eventually did the majority of the printing.

By the time I turned 14, I had my learner’s permit and I started driving the newspaper to Kingman twice each week after I got the paper printed. It was my summer job.

So, I got to know Bob McQuin when I was a little newspaper guy. This week in the Kingman Leader-Courier, Bob McQuin announced he was turning over his Editor’s duty to his daughter Connie Schoenhofer. Bob will stay on as Publisher with a few reductions in duties as his health hasn’t been the best lately. Bob has been the Editor/Publisher of Kingman’s newspaper for 41 years.

Bob’s weekly column "So What’s New" is my first stop when I pick up his paper each week. Congratulations Bob and I hope you get to feeling better.

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This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day. I wanted to drop a note to the important mothers that surround my family and bring them love.

I love you Mom. Thank you for always being there for me and sis and being a part of our lives.

I love you Ronda. Thank you for being my partner in raising our three children.

I love you MeMe. Thank you for being a mom to Ronda when her’s went home to be with the Lord.

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I want to thank Kraig and Steve at Bowe Chevrolet, John at Hibbards HealthMart, Brandon Hazel at State Farm, Norm at White’s Foodliner, Riley at Taco Tico/Simple Simon Pizza, Brent at Home Lumber, my staff here at The Gyp Hill Premiere, John Nixon at Nixon Realty and Jon Walz at The Rock -KPAK 97.5 FM for helping us promote Imminent Domain last weekend at the American Legion Building.

We’ve heard good things from the kids that came and we hope to have this group back in Medicine Lodge, maybe in September????

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A giant helium-filled pig didn't drift off to hog heaven after it was released into the night sky during Roger Waters' performance at the Coachella music festival. It's been found, in two pieces.

Two couples found tattered halves of the inflatable swine in their yards, a few miles from festival grounds in the Southern California desert.

Concert organizers had offered a $10,000 reward for the pig's return. On Tuesday, pieces of the plastic carcass were examined.

"That's definitely our pig," producer Bill Fold said.

Susan Stoltz found a plastic heap in her driveway Monday, but said she didn't know what it was until she read about the missing pig in the Desert Sun newspaper.

"My kids are going to think I'm so cool," she said.

Another resident of the same neighborhood, Judy Rimmer, said she found a piece of the pig draped over a front-yard plant.

The two couples will split the cash reward, Fold said.

As tall as a two-story house and as wide as two school buses, the pig was led from lines held on the ground Sunday as Waters played a version of Pink Floyd's "Pigs" from the 1977 anti-capitalist album "Animals."

Then it just floated away.

"It wasn't really supposed to happen that way. I don't have the details," festival spokeswoman Marcee Rondan said.

The pig displayed the words "Don't be led to the slaughter" and a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two bloody cleavers. The other side read "Fear builds walls" and the underside read "Obama" with a checked ballot box for Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama.

My guess is that some small-town, gun-toting Christian conservative shot it down. hehehehehehe

I know it is only April, but my house was hot and stuffy. I made the decision to turn on the air conditioner. It didn't work. So the windows came open and the ceiling fan came on last week after the house reached 84 degrees.

It felt good as the breeze started moving through my house, so I grabbed a book and sat down to read.

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

Nine years ago, I bought a ceiling fan and decided I would "do it myself". It's clicked for approximately nine years.

It should have been a simple job, especially for a guy who went to school to study home construction for 2 years. Yes, I had trouble declaring a major in college. I built homes for two years in college. That's another column.

I remember 9 years ago laying the pieces all over the floor and spending a couple of head-scratching hours putting it up. When it was finished, I looked up with great pride and pulled the chain.

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

I decided right then and there it was a decorative light. We rarely turned it on. But it was hot and we needed to move some air.

I tried to ignore the sound, but it kept getting louder and louder. My God, it was annoying.

Ronda and I looked at each other. She was giving me that, "I wish you would fix that" look. so I put my book down and went out to the garage for my tools.

I brought back a screwdriver, some wrenches and of course, a hammer. Instead of a ladder, I brought over a kitchen chair. At 5' 7" I was still on my tippy toes to reach the fan.

I shut the power off at the wall, not the breaker, and proceeded to examine the situation. The solution seemed simple. The fans were striking the outer ring of the mounting hardware. My choices were to move the mounting hardware a little bit or grab a grinder and grind off the brass ring. I chose the less destructive, although the grinder would have been cool with all the sparks and metal shavings flying through our living room. If I moved the mounting hardware, the clicking sound would be eliminated.

All I needed to do was expose the inside of the fan where it was mounted to the ceiling. I just needed a screwdriver to remove an access panel. It came off easy enough and I could see clear to the ceiling and the bolts that would move the mounting hardware to stop the clicking sound.

Unfortunately, I could not reach the bolts and had to take off a brass ring. I got out my wrenches. It was a tiny nut. Smaller than my smallest wrench, so I went back out to the garage to find a new tool to help me in my latest home improvement project. After trying several American wrenches, I found a wrench that wasn't an American measurement that fit. Go figure.

I removed the ring only to find that the fan blades were in the way. I would need a large phillips head screwdriver. I went back out to the garage and came back with a new tool.

I took all five blades off and carefully laid them on the floor of my living room. I placed all of the brass screws in my left pocket. The screws for the brass ring were already in my right pocket. I then attemped to remove the brass ring.

The lights were in the way.

I said a few choice words and stepped off my kitchen chair. My shoulders were tired and my feet were hurting.I took a small break and got back on the chair. I then unscrewed the lights, removed the brass ring and discovered a clear plastic decorative ring that had to be moved so I could reach the mounting hardware. That came off with a twist.

Finally, I got a break.

I loosened the screws to the mounting plate and grabbed my hammer. With a couple of taps, I decided that I had moved it enough to stop the clicking sound. My neck was getting a little sore, so I stepped back down off the kitchen chair, tripping over a few of the fan blades and spilling my screws out of my pockets.

I gathered my screws and composure and started replacing the plastic decorative ring. It went on with success and I proceeded to put the brass ring back on. It went on easy too. I put the lights back on and was ready to put the blades back on.

I was going to need a couple of extra hands for this, so I called my oldest son in to the room. This was going to be an important lesson for him. We were going to be a team, father and son, fixing a ceiling fan in mom's prescence.

I grabbed an extra chair.

Without complaining and with great skill and patience, Joey held the blades up for me. Okay, I made that part up. With a lot of whining and squirming, Joey attempted to hold the fan blades while I lined up the screws with the holes in the fan motor.

I failed to notice earlier in the project that there were five fan blades that took two screws each and 15 holes. What idiot put that many holes up there? We stepped down off our chairs and studied the situation.

Back up on our chairs, I picked a spot to start and struggled to put the blade back on. Getting the holes to line up was tricky and when I turned the screws the fan motor turned and the screws would fall to the floor. We coordinated our efforts and got one blade on.

This was hard. We took another break and started on the next fan blades.

We were pros at this now and before we knew it, we were on the last holes. Success was almost ours. I tightened the last screw and we stepped down.

Joey said, "Hey dad, what about this last blade?"

I looked down and to my horror, discovered an extra blade. I looked up and counted. Yep, only four blades were mounted to the ceiling fan.

"How the heck did that happen," I asked?

Well, good for us, it looked just fine with four blades and I decided to turn it on and check to see if the clicking sound was gone. I pulled the chain and the sound was gone!

"Great! It's fixed," I said.

We looked to mom for approval. Ronda had a look on her face that simply said, no. Joey saw it too.

"Mom, it looks fine with four," he said.

She wasn't going to let this one slide. She was right. The ceiling fan started with five blades, equally spaced, and now had four blades that resembled a large, lopsided X.

Joey and I looked at each other with understanding. We grabbed the screwdriver, got back on our chairs and systematically started removing the blades. Once they were all off, we studied the problem again.

It was a complete mathmatical impossibility. I'm not sure who the genius was that put this up the first time, but I'm guessing he had the instructions. Oh yeah, that genius was me and I didn't keep the instructions.

After arguing for several minutes about which holes to start with, Joey convinced me that he was in algebra and that he was right. I had no choice but to trust him.

Now sweating profusely, my neck and shoulders throbbing, we started the long process of putting the fan blades back on.

To my surprise the fourth blade went on and we had two holes left.

"See dad, I'm a genius," said Joey.

I was impressed and embarassed all at the same time. It was a coming of age for my son - the problem solver.

We put the last blade on and stepped back.

I pulled the chain and the fan started turning.

It didn't make the clicking sound! However, it now has a wobble to it that causes the light to swing, making our living room look like a disco.

Neither Joey nor I made eye contact with Ronda.

I also have one screw left over, but hey, it doesn't click...........

Step back soccer moms.

Things got slightly carried away last week during a soccer game held at Krug Field.

Norm Clouse and I were only joking around when the pushing started. My kid was on one soccer team and his on another. When his daughter’s team scored, he got a little bit excited and gave me a shove nearly knocking me over.

My rooster instinct kicked in and I shoved back.

I just wanted to let all know who were present that this was just guy-horse play. We were just excited about our kids competing and playing the game of soccer. There’s no battle going on between the grocery store guy and the newspaper guy. It was all fun and games - except for the fact that my kids’ team lost the game.

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If you have kids who love music or you are a fan of original punk / emo rock, there will be a concert on April 25th at the American Legion Building.

Imminent Domain, winner of the MTVU’s Summer Battle of the College Bands, will perform. This band was also the 2006 KPAK Battle of the Bands winner. They put on a great show and they are a neat family. I hope you can come!

This will be a NO ALCOHOL family event.

The concert is cosponsored by area merchants. For more information, see page 9. We’ll have a story about the band in next week’s Premiere.

Have a great week!

Richard Wortman stopped by my office last Tuesday to schedule my lynching.

Wortman, like many others ventured down to the courthouse last week after buying Monday’s paper to see the famed time capsule.

Surprise! It wasn’t there. It was my April Fools joke.

After toiling over what I would do as my master April Fools joke, I came up with the idea of pranking as many folks as I could through the fake article about the time capsule discovery.

If you read the article carefully, you might have picked up on some of the obvious humor. A man named "Quibs" was mentioned. My column’s name is KWIBS. Also he was a "barber" and friends with Thomas Barber.

Medicine Log. Medicine Lodge’s long lost original name. Did you fall for it?

Xie Gallagher in the Treasurer’s office was quick to act when she realized my prank. She printed up signs stating, "If you are here to see the time capsule that was in the paper, it has been moved to The Gyp Hill Premiere on Main Street. Ask for Kevin Noland."

She posted them all over the courthouse and I prank called the Clerk of the District Court asking where I could see the time capsule.

I told Xie that it would have been funnier to say something like "The time capsule had termites and had to be removed from the building. It is now at the County Road and Bridge building on Isabel Road."

I couldn’t convince her to play along.

News of the time capsule travelled more quickly than I expected. The story was also posted on our Internet website at www.gyphillpremiere.com. By the end of the day, I had several emails wanting more information about the artifact.

Kim Fowles wrote:

"Was the date really 1855? I am searching SD newspapers through their historical society and can't find any published in 1855."

It was all I could do to contain myself.

One of my friends said, "I speed read all the articles and I missed the part about reading KWIBS for more information.

The day wasn’t all fun and games. One of my readers called and told my staff that she didn’t find the story funny at all and it was the responsibility of the newspaper to be trustworthy. I agree, but I did not leave my readers hanging. The truth was out there. You just had to read.

My favorite story comes from my son Joey. Joey called me from school on Tuesday, April 1st. Whispering into the phone he said, "Dad, my teacher just mentioned the time capsule story to the entire class and he is really excited about it and asked if any of us had heard about it or seen it."

It was all Joey could do to maintain his composure.

So, I hope you all aren’t too mad at me!

Have a great week!

April Fools' Day or All Fools' Day, though not a holiday in its own right, is a notable day celebrated in many countries on April 1. I know it’s sure celebrated at our house.

The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, my kids, my wife, enemies and neighbors. The aim of which is to embarrass or prank the gullible. In some countries, April Fools' jokes (also called April Fools) are only made before noon on 1 April. I like to celebrate all year long.

Thinking back on some of the pranks I have pulled instantly sparked column material. A lot of which I have done, I can’t print for fear of prosecution or worse, retaliation.

A few years back on April 1st I got the kids up for school and fixed them breakfast. Little did they know, I had filled the bottoms of their cereal bowls with rubber fishing worms! That’s probably the one prank I remember doing to my kids.

My wife and I played an April Fools joke on another couple here in town (name held to protect their identity and to comply with the protection order they might file on us).

It started innocently enough with us jacking their car off the ground and putting blocks under the axles. We did this in a manner that the tires looked like they were on the ground, but they weren’t. My friend got in his car for work, hit reverse, looked back and took his foot off the break, but didn’t go anywhere. Classic.

The next morning I got to work, walked into my office and was ensnared by fishing line. His wife had gotten a key and come into my office earlier and strung fishing line from every conceivable point in my office. I spent over an hour with scissors cutting my way back in. Classic.

There was also this time when my wife decided to fill up Dr. Meador’s Lincoln Towncar with styrofoam peanuts. This resulted in a truce being called and the air vents professionally cleaned. Classic.

One of the greatest pranks ever played on us was the time our former cleaning lady came into our house and completely turned everything upside down and inside out. She rearranged furniture, moved pictures and did a number on our living room. The best part of the joke was that my wife thought I did it and she spent all evening crying because she thought it was the meanest thing I had ever done to her! Classic.

Now for the meanest prank ever - that would go to our former Editor, Mr. David Fasgold.

If you remember a few years back, I had some heart trouble. After a week in the Kansas Heart Hospital and three stents, I was home and on the mend. A day or two into my recovery, David sneaked in to my office from behind and blew a trombone in the back of my head. I lived, so the work on my heart was obviously a success. Classic, but twisted and mean.

I pranked him back by waiting until he was in the restroom and stacking boxes and metal folding chairs against the door. I did this so quietly that he didn’t hear me and when he opened the door, everything fell in on him. Classic.

I wish I had invented the April Fools holiday, but I didn’t. Throughout history, there have been some very classic pranks. Here’s what I found.

In its April 1985 edition, Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans celebrated their teams' amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the author of the article, George Plimpton.

In 1962 there was only one tv channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process. Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

On March 31, 1989 thousands of motorists driving on the highway outside London looked up in the air to see a glowing flying saucer descending on their city. Many of them pulled to the side of the road to watch the bizarre craft float through the air. The saucer finally landed in a field on the outskirts of London where local residents immediately called the police to warn them of an alien invasion. Soon the police arrived on the scene, and one brave officer approached the craft with his truncheon extended before him. When a door in the craft popped open, and a small, silver-suited figure emerged, the policeman ran in the opposite direction. The saucer turned out to be a hot-air balloon that had been specially built to look like a UFO by Richard Branson, the 36-year-old chairman of Virgin Records. The stunt combined his passion for ballooning with his love of pranks. His plan was to land the craft in London's Hyde Park on April 1. Unfortunately, the wind blew him off course, and he was forced to land a day early in the wrong location.

So in case you’re wondering, the story on the front page this week "Time capsule unearthed, reveals city’s original name might have been Medicine Log" is actually a hoax. I wanted to have some fun with everyone and hope it doesn’t ruffle too many feathers.

My Nephew Ryan Landwehr was born on April Fools Day. I’m sure he’ll be thinking up ways to one up Uncle Kevin!

Have a great week

Medicine Log! hehehehe

Some randomness for me this week.

Hi, my name is Kevin and I am an American Idol watcher (everyone say "hello" Kevin).

I’m sad to say, but I am hooked on this show. It’s brilliant up to a certain point. That point is when America gets to vote.

I wish I had an American audience. I sort of do through our website, so maybe everyone in America will read my column on line this week at www.gyphillpremiere.com/kwibs.html

America, did you finally figure out how to use your phones to vote this week? Thank you so much for finally voting off Amanda Overmyer. Surely you all figured out as soon as I did that this girl can’t sing and had NO PLACE on this show. That was like week 1 of the finals.

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Now lets talk politics.

Do you like Borok Obama? How could you not? He’s against the war, but strong on terrorism, a Christian, but not affiliated with his crazy uncle-like pastor, sort of raised Muslim, but not really, mostly black, but a little white.

Do you like Hillary? How could you not? She worked for the poor, while serving on the board of directors for Walmart. She’s pro American, but supports free trade, for NAFTA, but against it, has a lot of experience in the White house, even though recent records show she wasn’t there much and spent a lot of money on vacations during Clinton’s administration and wants healthcare for all of America. Yeah! Oh wait, she wants small businesses like mine to foot the bill.....

Do you like McCain? I haven’t a clue what he’s all about! He looks like a nice old guy and I know he proudly served our country in time of war, served as a POW, and has been a senator for like 100 years and I am going to vote for him.

I wish we could somehow figure out a way to make a show called "American President". It would work just like "American Idol". First you would audition hundreds of potential finalists and then you would narrow it down to 12 contestants that were of no party affiliation whatsover. They would have to perform for all of TV land to see and then we could pick up our phones and vote them through the competition. This process would be cheaper for America and we could skip all the mudflinging and just get down to who is more talented!

I’m guessing Hillary singing "Unchained Melody" would have gotten her kicked off week 1.

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The Euro was up to near $1.60 to our U.S. Dollar last week. the only reason I even know this is because I get a daily briefing from Nick Gaertner, German Foreign Exchange student, living with John Nixon, our neighbor.

It used to be kind of cute to hear him give the report, but now I am just kind of tired of it. Not tired of Nick, but tired of our dollar not doing so good.

Come on U.S. dollar. You can do it! You’ve been strong for so long. Don’t give up now! Some of us have gotten our tax returns and more are on the way. And soon we’ll all have our magic rebate checks to spend and strengthen our economy. Or some of us will run with our money to WalMart and buy crap made in China, strengthening their economic grip on our country. Can you take the hint here? Shop at home and buy American products when possible. That is the only way to strengthen our economy - from the inside out.

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Finally, I read last week that a guy is selling his entire life on Ebay sometime this summer. The guy wants to sell his house in Pertth, Australia, his car, motorcycle, jetski and personal possessions after a nasty break up with his wife of 5 years. What? She didn’t get $40 million? She must not have married a former Beattle. No, this is just an average Joe who wants to start over.

Also included in this auction is the sale of his friends and his job. If you win, you get his job for a two-week trial and he’ll arrange for you to meet his friends. Starting price of his auction will be just shy of $400,000.

I’ve got to run. I just got my rebate check in the mail and I’m going shopping for a new life! Have a great week!!

Three years ago in KWIBS I wrote about how little I actually knew about prom.

Now that I am about to put my 4th prom behind me, I feel that I am somewhat of an expert.

I have had 4 years of my own experience with proms in high school and dates at all of them (including multiple dates my freshman year). I know much more about prom now. At least from a male perspective.

As I’ve learned, from looking at my credit card statement, prom is big business. When you have the gentler of the two chromosomes in your home, it becomes an even more expensive and emotionally draining venture.

Dress shopping was something I used to avoid like the plague by being conveniently busy. Yes, I got out of it and it was to my daughter’s advantage as well as my advantage. Me being forced to go shopping with Breeann for evening attire is nearly as cruel as the time I took her to a tool sale where I spent over an hour shopping for locking pliers.

I had to change my evil ways this year because mamma wasn't around to do the shopping. She was in New Mexico with our boys on spring break. This left me in charge. I had penned off Tuesday for the trip and prepared mentally for shopping with my teenage daughter.

I kept replaying in my mind.

Prom dress $75?

Lunch/Supper $30?

Fuel $30?

Years drained from my life - 1.5?

In reality it was:

Prom dress $180

Lunch/Supper $60

Fuel $60

Years drained from my life - 3

We started the Wichita prom dress shopping trip with a stop to my cousin's office. He's a chiropractor. I figured an adjustment to my spine would be a good start. He told me that as the day went on and my wallet got emptier, I would begin to feel relief in my lower back. However, the pain would move to my head.

Our first stop was to a shop on East Douglas. The shop had sent Breeann an advertising catalog complete with models (who couldn't possibly have been high school girls) wearing formal gowns. The gowns were advertised at "Starting at $99". When we got there, I couldn't find half of a formal that started any where near $99. In fact, the average price was $400-$600.

I tried a "kill two birds with one stone" move.

"Hey Breeann, if you bought this white one, in a few years you could just get married in it!," I said in my smartest, fatherly voice.

She just glared at me and said, "OMG, Dad. It's not a wedding dress. It's a prom dress. Just take me to the mall."

So off to the mall we went. Four shops and five prom dresses later she had found what she thought she liked. Even though my knees were throbbing from the 20 miles of walking from shop to shop I had just done, I kept it as low pressure as possible.

"Dad, you know that there are some other prom dress stores in the other mall," she said.

Thinking quickly I pointed out that if we got all the way to the other side of town and she didn't find one, there was a possibility that this one would be gone. It was, after all (and to my advantage), the last one in the store. We took a walk through the mall and stopped at a couple of other stores before she made up her mind to go back and buy the dress.

I was saved.

The dress came home in a pretty expensive looking garment bag and a hanger that looked like it cost more than my old ratty jean jacket that gets thrown over a doorknob. And to think, I wear that jacket almost every day and she’ll only wear that dress once! I was totally going to score on that hanger….

So dads, I have some advice for those of you who are just beginning the prom adventure for the first time or have daughters coming of age.

Start saving now or begin selling blood plasma while they’re still young (clarification: your blood, not their blood….)

For girls, prom means it’s time to tan. I like a good tan and appreciate having dark skin, but news flash: It’s dark where they have prom! Not only will her date barely see the expensive dress I bought her, he won’t notice the tan unless he carries a densitometer. Tanning begins, at the very least, a month before prom.

Tanning sessions $45

Somewhere in prom history it became necessary for woman to have their real fingernails filed and buffed down to a dull finish and fake, long, synthetic ones glued on over the top. This may be some type of self defense weapon used to ward off other females that ask to dance with their date. I’m not sure, but open up the wallet guys….

Fingernails $30

Polish $5

Prom day finally arrives, but the giant prom money sucking machine is still turned on.

Within five minutes of saying the word "prom" every hair dresser in a 50 mile radius becomes booked up. By mistake, in the past we've waited until 3 weeks before prom to make an appointment locally. With no options for local hair styling left, it meant another trip back to Wichita.

Hairdresser $30

Hair accessories $10

Lunch $30

Fuel $60

Prozac – $100

Sorry guys, even though your cash is depleted and your last credit card just burst into flames when it was swiped, you are not finished.

Make up $15

Picture package $35

Prom night tickets run about $10 (if you’re lucky, her date will pay!)

Prom guys don’t get off too easily either. A good tux will cost you at least $100+ to rent. You also have to take your date somewhere nice to eat and you’ll be expected to buy her flowers.

Grand total (for estimating and budgeting purposes only) of prom 2008 could be around $1,000,000.

Seeing how beautiful my daughter looked as she emerged from the dressing room, wearing the dress I helped her shop for, was simply priceless. And to think, it's my last one before I have to think of which kidney to sell when she decides to get married.

Have a great week!

I hadn’t given a lot of thought to this, but last week I realized my child would be graduating high school in a few months.

I’ve known she was potentially going to graduate for about 6704 days now. Go ahead, do the math.... I actually didn’t make that number up. I just never really thought the time would creep up on me this quickly.

I was told once that having a teenage daughter was like trying to nail jello to the wall. I kind of understand the meaning of this insanity.

There is no way of explaining how difficult it is to go through the motions of the senior year, graduation and then off to college.

A couple of weeks ago we took a college day. This time to PCC. We spent the day at the college meeting a lot of nice folks and getting a taste of what Breeann will need to be successful in her major.

Breeann is interested in becoming a school teacher. We couldn’t be more proud of her for thinking of this. She has given it careful thought and for once, her mother and I agree that this is a good field for her. She is interested in becoming a preschool teacher!

Great! I thought. I know she can color and stay in the lines. I’ve seen her do a fantastic somersaults and she can say her ABCs flawlessly! Give that kid her degree and let her start working!

Well, if only it were that easy. Becoming a teacher, even a preschool teacher, takes a lot of time and education. It won’t be easy, but it will be an incredibly rewarding job.

The tour of the college brought back a lot of memories for me. I went to school there from 1988-1990. I had been back to the college a couple of times since I was a student there, but I hadn’t been back, really back, to where the student life was happening.

We walked the halls and I remembered where certain rooms were. I saw a couple of class rooms and remembered what classes I had taken there almost 20 years ago. The student cafeteria and recreation hall was just being built and was completed about the time I left.

The library was pretty new when I was a student there. I even ran into a former instructor and we shared some stories about my college days.

We continued our tour of the campus and our guide began explaining the process for enrollment, financial aide and scholarships.

All at once I felt a strange sensation. It might have been that I had just gotten over the flu or it could have been a panic attack. As we stopped at the cashier’s window and were handed the fees schedule, the hallways suddenly got narrow and long and I felt myself grabbing for the wall so that I didn’t pass out.

I was warned by a friend last year that the senior year is the most expensive year of the student’s elementary education and then it got worse when they went to college. My friend couldn’t have been more correct. There have been activity fees, enrollment fees, college/high school class fees, invitation fees, cap and gown fees and other "fees" associated with the status of the class. My friend didn’t mention the, oops - I wrecked my car fees, I need a new dress for Sadie Hawkins fees, my college day trip fees, I went over my text messaging limit fees and the list goes on and on....

I had heard that college is expensive and as I looked down the schedule of fees, I could hear cash registers laughing in my head.

There was actually a fee for the paying of the fees "fee". In order to begin making payments you must first pay a $35 fee to set up your account.

Sadly, I have only just begun.

The good news is that PCC is offering her scholarship opportunities, work study, financial aide and success programs that will help her with her future. I think she’ll be in good hands.

The other good news is that she’ll live in the dorms and get to have the college experience and only be a short drive away from home. Her brothers are already casing lots for her room, but I’ve got news for them. I’m making into a weight room!

Just kidding Breeann - Have a great week!

I wish I had an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.....

Last summer I took my two boys, Nicholas and Joey to the McConnell Airforce Base Airshow. I remember it was one of the hottest days of summer. Our mission was to see the Blue Angels.

We wondered around the displays for several hours before the performance. The blistering heat made us spend a lot of money on water and we looked for shade at every stop.

When the Blue Angels Pilots appeared, a long line formed for autographs and pictures. Of course my kids wanted to do that - that was until they saw the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

We quickly cut out of line and Joey posed for this photo.

It was one of the highlights of the entire day.

Last week I was flipping through the news and ran across the following article. I rushed home to share it with the boys. We all got a good laugh.

Wienermobile wipes out

Famed vehicle spins, crashes

on snow-covered PA highway; 'hotdoggers' OK.

February 11, 2008

Reprinted with permission

gosgood@stargazette.com

Star-Gazette Wellsboro Bureau

MANSFIELD -- Let's be frank: motor vehicle accidents aren't much fun for anyone.

But when a 27-foot-long tube-steak spins out on a snow-covered highway, it's bound to generate some grins.

That's what happened Sunday to an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile on Route 15 about two miles south of Mansfield (at least it didn't roll over).

The growler contained two "hotdoggers" -- driver Emily Volpini, 22, of Lexington, Ky., and Caylen Goudie, 22, of Hinsdale, Ill. Although they didn't relish the experience, they weren't hurt, investigating state Trooper Rex Johnson said.

"Hotdoggers" are goodwill ambassadors for Kraft Foods and Oscar Mayer. There are 12 of them in the country -- two for each of the six Wienermobiles. They spend a year on the job traveling around the country. Part of their job is to recruit their replacements.

On Friday and Saturday, Volpini and Goudie and the iconic frankfurter were at Syracuse University, fulfilling the promise to the winner of "A Weekend with the Wienermobile" contest. Sunday morning, the women and the wiener on wheels headed south toward Penn State, where they will try to recruit candidates for the 2008-09 hotdoggers from a stable of Nittany Lion hopefuls.

Mother Nature intervened, though briefly, at 12:20 p.m., putting the plastic porksicle on the median and out of service.

"We thought we had come out of the blizzard," Goudie said. "We thought we were through it. Then we hit a patch of ice. The Wienermobile weighs 7,000 pounds, so usually ice and snow isn't much of a problem. It was this time."

Stuck, Volpini called 911 dispatchers in Wellsboro. Though skeptical at first, they notified state police at Mansfield. As passersby called in the crash on cell phones, the dispatchers became convinced that the barkburger was indeed in hot water.

Police contacted Dave Kurzejewski of Costy's Truck and Auto Mart, and he showed up in short order with a heavy four-wheel-drive vehicle and some chains. Johnson, the trooper, grilled the women briefly and concluded that a routine and sober spinout was all he had on his plate.

Kurzejewski hooked up and Emily fired up the highway hot dog, and a few well-timed tugs later, the Wienermobile was back on the highway.

For Kurzejewski, veteran of hundreds of tows over the years, Sunday's experience was a new one.

"I've pulled out a lot of vehicles," he said. "But that's the first wiener I've ever pulled out."

It was a first for the women, too. They left none the wurst for wear.

"Usually we try to keep from scratching our buns," Goudie said. "But sometimes, things go wrong."

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I want to give a quick HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Sister Rhonda. She qualifies for 30-something spankings today!

Have a great week!

Writer’s block is a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity.

At least that is how the encyclopedia defines it. I also define it as: waiting too long in the week before starting your column and realizing you don’t have anything to write about.

In an average week, by Tuesday evening I have a column idea for the following Monday.

I didn’t last week.

It was Thursday morning and I was up at about 6 a.m. and I was jotting down some subjects. None of them tripping any of my several triggers.

It wasn’t that I had waited too long. I mentioned to Doris that I was struggling for an idea on Wednesday morning. I always ask her what she is writing and she said, "I’m writing about Valentine’s Day."

Darn it. Why didn’t I think of that? And why was Doris already writing her column? I’m usually paging her on Friday afternoon going, "Hey, uh, did you know we’re putting out a paper on Monday and I have this hole on page two and three. I think it might be where your column is supposed to go."

But there she was Wednesday morning, writing her brains out with a subject that I should have been thinking about. Valentine’s Day! I couldn’t steal that from her. She thought of it first, so I looked at the calendar to see what else was happening.

Hmm... Lincoln’s birthday was falling on Tuesday, February 12. He wore a funny hat! Nope, I got nothing.

Doris asked, "How long have you been writing your column?"

I thought back. Way back.

In 1989 my dad moved to Missouri and I remember being in the composing room at the Index early on a Wednesday morning before press time. I was looking at page two where my dad’s column "KWIK KWIBS, JR." was supposed to be and asking, "Hey, what is going here?"

Before KWICK KWIBS, JR., it was just KWICK KWIBS. That was a column my Grandpa Bill Noland wrote starting in the early 1960s.

Nobody had really thought of what was going in that empty space since dad had moved and I didn’t have anything else pressing, so I said, "I’ll write KWIBS this week."

I can’t remember exactly what I wrote, but it had something to do with my dad moving and that hole being filled. I was only 19 at the time and in college part time. I knew my dad would be getting the paper in the mail and would see that I wrote something that was probably horrible (some things never change). I waited for the dreaded phone call telling me that I couldn’t write KWIBS, but it never came.

So I started KWIBS almost 20 years ago and have written an average of 45 columns per year since. That is somewhere in the neighborhood of 900 columns. The paper goes out to around 1000 readers each week and since 1995 is read by another 1200 per week. That’s over a Brazilian readers.

Here are some statistics of KWIBS:

55% of the columns dealt with silly stuff

25% of the columns were about my family

12% of the columns were about friends

5% of the columns had political overtones

4% of the columns were religious in nature

.036% of the columns were about my terrible math skills.

In my 20 years of writing. I have received around 20 nasty letters about my columns, 1 death threat, 90-100 sneers and probably a few more compliments.

As Doris and I continued talking about our columns, we discovered one common denominator. There is a great satisfaction when a column is completed. Sometimes it’s only the feeling of, "wow, I filled this space." But more times than not, it is a feeling of, "I got my thoughts down on paper and it sort of makes sense to me." We just sit back on Monday afternoon and hope that everyone who reads it also gets it.

I hope 101% of you have a great week!

I can’t help myself. I fall into the category of gullible when it comes to purchasing bottled water.

Bottled water is one of the most profitable schemes ever devised to deprive people of their money. I say that as I look at my water bottle to the right of my desk.

In the western world, tap water is about as safe as it can be and it is relatively cheap. Yet people like me are prepared to pay up to 1,500 times as much when the same stuff comes in a bottle.

I’m also the same guy who gripes about paying $3.00 a gallon for gasoline and walks into the quick shop and pays $1.25 for the 20 oz. plastic bottle of water. The gasoline goes through more of a purification process than they put that bottled water through most generally, but then again, I am not going to drink gasoline.

One of the strangest thing about this whole bottled water phenomenon is that this bland commodity made its impact in Britain in the late 1970s at the height of a recession and with raging inflation. There was a general lack of money in people's pockets (and brains as it seems), yet bottled water became an overnight success.

When purchasing bottled water my argument is.... it does taste better than tap water. However, in an article I read on water taste, studies show those who professed to be able to tell the difference failed miserably. The testers used Evian and Highland Spring against local tap water - three waters which had very different characteristics from each other. Even so, only one-third of the 140 people got the correct answer. That is exactly what one would expect to get by chance.

Bottled water is a necessary evil when on vacation in places such as, Mexico, South America and Wichita..... I’ve been a victim of Montezuma’s revenge and it isn’t pretty. I did learn that you not only have to be careful not to drink the water, but also be aware that ice in drinks is nothing more than frozen water from the same area as the water comes from. Duh.....

Now, before I go and get myself into trouble with my local water guy, Leroy Seiler, let me say that his water is absolutely wonderful and is filtered and bottled in a way that guarantees its taste and freshness. I don’t mean for this to be an ad for Eco Water, but it’s a product I believe in and use daily.

Listen though, I’m talking about off the shelf bottled water here, not Leroy’s water. There’s a big difference.

Natural water is never purer than when it falls as rain. Once it hits the ground, however, all that changes. Seeping into the soil, it moves underground through passages and caverns carved over the millennia, eating away at the rock and dissolving metals, salts and minerals along the way. As it goes, its character changes, depending on the type of rock through which it passes. Eventually, it arrives in underground lakes or aquifers - the sources of most bottled mineral waters. And in Kansas, it might travel across a cow patty or two on its way.

Like I said earlier, I’m sinfully guilty for buying this stuff, but I am trying to change my evil ways.

I look at it like this now. I might buy a bottled water when I’m out on the road somewhere and not sure about the quality of the water.

When I do purchase the bottled water, I look for information on how it is filtered, if it is filtered at all and then I look at the purchase from a completely different perspective. I decide that I am making an investment in a plastic bottle and the water is basically just a free gift with the purchase.

I reuse my water bottle for as long as it holds together through the washes and daily abuse it takes. And yes, I refill it with water from Leroy Seiler at Eco Water. Generally, I can get a few weeks out of a water bottle provided I don’t lose it before the end of its life expectancy. But I am thinking a good water bottle from the store will probably cost me $7.00 and I could expect for it to last at least a year.

You have to admit though, someone had a marvelously stupid idea when they went into that marketing meeting with this sales pitch: "We’re going to bottle water and sell it to the people!"

What will they think of next?

Bottled air?

Have a great week!

Attention all of you arm chair quarterbacks, referees and coaches. Superbowl XLII is February 3rd! For those of you non Romans, that’s Superbowl 42.

Don’t be the guy sitting there with nothing to add to Sunday’s Superbowl conversation. I have found 42 interesting facts about the Superbowl.

Enjoy! (Go NYG!!!)

XLII facts about Super Bowl XLII

I. This is the 42nd Super Bowl and the second time it has been held in Arizona. Super Bowl XXX was held at Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe, Arizona (Cowboys 27, Steelers 17).

II. The NFC leads 21-20 all-time but the AFC has won eight of the last 10 games after losing 13 straight.

III. The AFC is the home team in this year’s Super Bowl.

IV. To date 3,205,733 people have attended Super Bowl games.

Careful when you cheer when the coin toss comes up heads ... winning the pregame toss doesn't mean a Super Bowl victory.

V. No Super Bowl has ever gone to overtime.

VI. The team that has won the coin toss is 19-22 all-time in the Super Bowl and has lost the past four straight and nine of the last 11 games. The Patriots lost the coin toss in each of their three Super Bowl wins. They won the coin toss for Super Bowl XXXI and lost the game; they lost the coin toss for Super Bowl XX vs. the Bears and also lost that game. The Giants won the coin toss in Super Bowl XXXV and lost that game; they lost the coin toss in both Super Bowls XX and XXV and won those games.

VII. The Giants-Patriots Super Bowl is the 12th Super Bowl to feature two teams that met during the regular season. The team that lost the regular-season meeting has won six of the previous 11 matchups. The last matchup was Super Bowl XXXVI between the Patriots and Rams (Rams won regular season; Patriots won the Super Bowl)

VIII. The Giants-Patriots Super Bowl is only the second time that the two Super Bowl participants have met in the final regular season game; the other occurrence was in 1977 when the Cowboys and Broncos met in Week 14 and then in Super Bowl XII. The Cowboys won both games. (The Giants and Patriots also met in the final game of this year's preseason; The Patriots won that game 27-20).

IX. The Patriots have 20 players with Super Bowl experience on their current roster; the Giants have three.

X. Patriots LB Tedy Bruschi will be playing in his fifth Super Bowl; he is the 15th player to play in five Super Bowls. He is the seventh player to play in five Super Bowls with the same team, joining Larry Cole (Cowboys), Cliff Harris (Cowboys), D.D. Lewis (Cowboys) Charlie Waters (Cowboys), Rayfield Wright (Cowboys) and John Elway (Broncos).

With another Super Bowl MVP award, Tom Brady will tie Joe Montana for the most all-time.

XI. 21 Quarterbacks have been named MVP of the Super Bowl, the most of any position.

XII. Tom Brady is one of four players with multiple Super Bowl MVP awards –- the three others are quarterbacks as well: Bart Starr (2), Joe Montana (3) and Terry Bradshaw (2).

XIII. Tom Brady is 1 of 4 players with three Super Bowl wins as a starting QB. The other three are Terry Bradshaw (4), Joe Montana (4) and Troy Aikman (3).

XIV. Tom Brady is the 23rd NFL MVP to play in the Super Bowl in the same season. The last MVP to win a Super Bowl the same season was Kurt Warner in Super Bowl XXXIV in 1999. Overall, 10 NFL MVPs have won the Super Bowl in the same season. In 1968, Earl Morrall won the NFL title but lost Super Bowl III to the Jets.

XV. The Patriots are making their sixth Super Bowl appearance –- and fourth in last seven years. The Patriots are the fourth franchise to make six Super Bowl appearances, joining the Cowboys (8), Steelers (6) and Broncos (6).

Bill Walsh won all three times he led the 49ers to the Super Bowl.

XVI. The Patriots have won three Super Bowls; with a win they’ll join the Steelers (5), Cowboys (5) and 49ers (5) as the only franchises to win 4 Super Bowls.

XVII. Bill Belichick is the eighth head coach to appear in four Super Bowls. The others are Don Shula (6), Tom Landry (5), Chuck Noll (4), Joe Gibbs (4), Bud Grant (4), Marv Levy (4) and Dan Reeves (4).

XVIII. Belichick is one of four coaches to win three Super Bowls. The others are Chuck Noll (4-0), Bill Walsh (3-0) and Joe Gibbs (3-1).

XIX. Since 2001, the Patriots are 24-7 when meeting teams for the second or third (Jets, 2006) time in the same season.

XX. Junior Seau is making his second Super Bowl appearance; the first since Super Bowl XXIX. The 13 years between Super Bowl appearances is the longest span in the game’s history.

XXI. The Patriots are the third team to win 18 games in a season, including playoffs. The ’85 Bears (18-1) and ’84 49ers (18-1) also won 18 games.

Junior Seau's Super Bowl XXIX experience was a bitter one.

XXII. The Patriots are the 11th team to go 10-0 at home, including the playoffs. Of the previous 10 to accomplish the feat, 8 of them won the Super Bowl (only the 1990 Bills and 1988 Bengals lost).XXIII. The Patriots led the NFL with 36.8 PPG this season, the highest in the Super Bowl era.

XXIV. The Patriots are the 17th team to lead the NFL in scoring and reach the Super Bowl. The previous 16 teams are 9-7 in the Super Bowl (last two -- the ’05 Seahawks and ’01 Rams -- have lost). The last team to lead the NFL in scoring and win the Super Bowl was the ’99 Rams in XXXIV.

XXV. The Giants will be playing in their 18th NFL title game dating back to 1933. The Giants have won five NFL championships in their history –- including two Super Bowls.

XXVI. The Giants' 18 NFL championship game appearances are the most in NFL history.

Eli Manning was a No. 1 overall pick, but was originally selected by the Chargers.

XXVII. Eli Manning is the seventh No. 1 overall pick to start the Super Bowl at quarterback; the others are Peyton Manning, Drew Bledsoe, Troy Aikman, John Elway, Jim Plunkett and Terry Bradshaw.

XXVIII. 18 sets of brothers to have reached the Super Bowl. Eli and Peyton Manning are the first set of brothers at quarterback.

XXIX. Eli Manning is the only quarterback in the 2007 playoffs yet to throw an interception. Of the 12 quarterbacks in the 2007 playoffs, he had the most interceptions during the regular season (20) -- tied for the most in the NFL with Jon Kitna and Carson Palmer.

XXX. Eli Manning is the seventh quarterback in the Super Bowl era (since 1966) to throw 20 interceptions in the regular season and reach the Super Bowl.

XXXI. This is the second straight season in which the NFC quarterback in the Super Bowl threw 20 interceptions in the regular season (last year, Rex Grossman threw 20 interceptions, and threw three in the playoffs, two in the Super Bowl). The other to throw 20 interceptions during the regular season and then reach the Super Bowl are Kurt Warner (22 in 2001), Phil Simms (22 in 1986), Terry Bradshaw (25 in 1979 and 20 in 1978) and Darryl Lamonica (20 in 1967). The only two Super Bowl quarterbacks to throw 20 interceptions during the regular season and not throw one in the playoffs were Boomer Esiason in 1990 and Simms in 1986.

XXXII. Tom Coughlin is coaching in his first Super Bowl as a head coach. Head coaches making their Super Bowl debut are 20-22.

XXXIII. Tom Coughlin has coached 205 career games, including the playoffs. That is the most games coached before making a Super Bowl debut as a head coach.

XXXIV. The Giants are 10-1 away from Giants Stadium and 3-5 at home this season.

XXXV. The Giants are the third team to reach the Super Bowl by winning three straight road games, joining the ’05 Steelers and ’85 Patriots.

Hines Ward helped the wild-card Steelers win Super Bowl XL.

XXXVI. The Giants are the ninth wild-card team to reach the Super Bowl. Wild-card teams are 4-4 in the Super Bowl. The ’05 Steelers were the last wild-card team to win.

XXXVII. The Giants are the fourth team to reach the Super Bowl following a 0-2 start. They join the ’01 Patriots, ’96 Patriots and ’93 Cowboys.

XXXVIII. The Giants are the only team in NFL history to win 10 straight road games in a season.

XXXIX. Bill Belichick (15) and Tom Coughlin (7) have 22 postseason victories combined, tied for the second most in Super Bowl history among opposing coaches and surpassed only by the 25 combined playoff wins by Tom Landry and Chuck Noll in Super Bowl XIII.

XL. Giants long snapper/linebacker Zak DeOssie’s father Steve DeOssie played in Super Bowl XXV as a member of the Giants (Belichick was the defensive coordinator of that Giants team). The DeOssie’s are the ninth different father-son combo to reach the Super Bowl.

XLI. When he appears in the game, Jeff Feagles will be the oldest Super Bowl participant at 41 years, 335 days. The previous oldest was Mike Horan at 40 years, 363 days. Feagles began his career with the Patriots in 1988.

XLII. Giants DE Justin Tuck and Patriots LB Adalius Thomas are cousins. Tuck’s father and Thomas’ father are first cousins. - From NFL.com

Have a great week!

If it doesn’t work out exactly the way you wanted it to, then cry.

That seems to be the trend last week. Just before the New Hampshire Primaries, Hillary Clinton made a tearful plea to voters when she learned she was behind in the polls to Barack Obama and she almost came to tears as she defended her reasons for running for the presidency.

Hillary Clinton showed some emotion and it won her New Hampshire. Alpha males everywhere sighed. They collectively rolled their eyes and asked: does crying help a woman get what she wants?

People really don’t have any idea of the stress she’s under. She’s tired, hormonal, she has people touching her hair and fussing with her makeup. Obama probably doesn’t have to participate in discussions on whether it’s best to pluck his eyebrows or not.

I’m not saying it wasn’t genuine emotion, but maybe it was just a little bit inappropriate in her situation. Crying might get you out of a speeding ticket, but it shouldn’t help you win the position of the most powerful leader in the free world.

Can you imagine Ronald Reagan and Mikel Gorbachev during negotiations to eliminate intermediate-range nuclear missiles if Reagan would have cried?

Reagan: Please Mr. Gorbachev, we’ve increased our military spending by 35% this year and eventually, sniff-sniff, we’ll bankrupt both of our countries if we don’t stop spending like this.

Gorbachev: You’re being a big cry baby. I don’t buy your Hollywood drama for one minute. I’m pushing the button. I mean it Ronny!

Reagan: Sniff-sniff..... But what about all the good work I’ve done for the free world?

Gorbachev: Okay, let’s hug. Here’s my hanky....

Reagan: While we’re at it, sniff-sniff, can you tear down that Berlin Wall?

Frankly, I think our country needs a leader with, well, equipment that Hillary just doesn’t have..... It’s only my opinion.

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And alright all of you Cowboy haters (and Kenny Joe Rinke), here’s your moment of ZEN: T.O. (Terrell Owens) crying in the post-game press conference after the Cowboys became the first #1 seed since the NFL playoff format was changed in 1990 to lose its playoff opener.

He wore pitch-black aviator shades to his postgame news conference. And he needed them to shield his eyes, which dripped tears when the subject turned to Tony Romo.

"It’s not about Tony," he said, his voice even and flat. "You guys can point the finger at him. You can talk about the vacation. ..."

His voice trailed off, then cracked and wobbled. But Owens continued on. He fought to contain his sobs, blurting out sentences between them.

"If you do that, that’s really unfair," Owens said. "Really unfair. That’s my teammate. That’s my quarterback. We lost as a team. We lost as a team, man."

Somebody give that guy a tissue and then slam him to the turf. Get a grip man. You’re a Dallas Cowboy, not a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

Everyone knows the reason Dallas lost their playoff game is because I wore my Tony Romo jersey and everytime I’ve worn my jersey the Cowboys blow it. I even wore my jersey to church one Sunday and they lost. Last weekend I wore it to Bible Study and still no help. It’s all my fault, sniff-sniff. I’m shopping for a Tom Brady jersey this weekend, sniff-sniff.

Have a great week!

Somehow, somewhere cell phones sneaked up on us and became a necessary evil in our lives. I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but I can’t imagine living without one now.

Years ago cell phones were enormous devices, carried in heavy bags or boxes that only a few elite citizens could afford. Now everyone has one.

I remember my first "portable" bag phone. It weighed about 30 lbs. You had to stop and get out of the vehicles on high ground, put a magnetic antenna on the roof and pay like $1 per minute to get something that sounded like AM radio.

Without argument, the cell phone has been one of the greatest inventions of the modern communication era. You can now be accessible almost anytime, anywhere. Those are the pro’s. The con’s are you are now accessible almost anytime, anywhere.

So really the pro’s and con’s cancel each other out. When you top off the fact that people who talk on cell phones in public places are annoying, then you have way more con’s than pro’s.

Here’s an example:

You’re in a book store. Generally, book stores are like libraries and they are quiet. Some woman walks into the aisle you are in and she’s reading the back of the book to someone on the other end of the phone. Only, this lady is so loud you would have thought she was calling in an air strike on a Pacific Island over a WWII radio.

"The book is about people who talk too much and how to make them stop!"

A perfect way to handle something like this would be to shout back in an equally loud voice, "HEY EVERYONE, SHE’S ON THE PHONE, BE QUIET!"

As if always having a phone to the side of your head isn’t annoying enough, now they have those Blue Tooth devices. These are the devices that make the user look like they are Uhura from Star Trek. This is some great technology. Too lazy to hold the phone up to your ear? Try this device.... The only thing better is if the user were to dematerialize into thin air. Beam me up, Scotty. *Poof*.... applause....

I see people wandering around talking to themselves and I think, poor crazy people. Then I get closer and I see they have something sticking out of their ear - some of them anyway...

And if you are going to be receiving multiple calls, you should have a different ring tone for everyone who decides to reach you.

My daughter is a habitual offender of ring tones. She actually just got her phone back from a two week hiatus after charging nearly $90 worth of ring tones to my account.

When I got the bill my first words were, "Is this a phone or a jukebox?"

When her boyfriend calls her phone plays, "My Baby Loves Me Just The Way That I Am" - by Martina McBride.

When I call it’s, "Papa Don’t Preach" - by Madonna.

Well not really, but that’s what I feel like.....

I know this guy and when his wife calls his cell phone the death star theme from Star Wars plays. It’s hilarious.

And texting.... oh my. I wanted to hate message texting up until the time I began using it.

It’s brilliant!

If you don’t like talking to people and wish your conversations could be shorter and on your terms, then you need texting. I actually prefer being texted than having to answer the phone and speak.

Conversation: "How R U?" - "IM Fine". End of conversation.

You can also get news sent right to your phone now. Several news agencies let you subscribe to their news text services. Last week I got this message: U.S. & BRITISH FORCES ATTACKED A HOUSING ESTATE IN PAKISTAN TODAY. 250 ARE REPORTED DEAD AND 400 INJURED. A SPOKESMAN SAYS THEY WILL ATTACK THE SECOND HOUSE TOMORROW.

Oh, I have to go - call waiting.....

Have a great week!

Here it is, my favorite publication of the year. It’s the one with the Letters to Santa.

Why do I like this edition most? It’s because kids ask for the funniest things from Santa for Christmas.

I always have my favorites. This year is no different with the exception of what one little fellow wants.

He simply writes:

A dirt bike guiter hero monkey marbl run labtops PSP PS3 girlfrend - new bed.

Love Tallyn

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I suppose, if I could sit on Santa’s lap this year and ask for anything I wanted, I would be stumped.

Sure, I’d love more money, a new truck, a 50" plasma display, a brand new Fender P-Bass, and the list goes on and on..... But I have everything I need.

I have a beautiful wife, three great children, many family and friends, a roof over my head, plenty to eat and my freedom.

But there is the difference between wants and needs. I want lots of stuff, but I don’t really need anything (Maybe some new socks and underwear). My needs are met and the greatest gift I have is God’s love - his Son Jesus and my family and friends. What more could a person actually ever need?

Luke 1: 30 But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. 31You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. 32 He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."

God Bless you and Merry Christmas!

I received this from Bill Barnard last week and got such a kick out of it that I had to share it with you all. I will be sending one. I hope you do too!

HOPE YOU ALL WILL TAKE THE TIME AND 41 CENTS TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS A GREAT IDEA - IT ONLY TAKES A CHRISTMAS CARD!!!!

What at clever idea!

Send them a card....

Yes, Christmas cards.

Want to have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.

As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world.

Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.

Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's not the Christian way you know ;)

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions.

So spend 41 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a " Holiday Tree". . .

It's always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!

And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!

For those of you who aren't aware of them, the ACLU, (the American Civil Liberties Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or anything Christian away from us. They represent the atheists and others in this war. Help put Christ back in Christmas!

Have a great week!

I’m "taking a knee" this week so that Deana can have a word.

Briefly, but with great conviction, I again remind you to shop at home this Christmas season. I really believe that we can make a difference in our community simply by shopping with our local merchants. Many retailers in the big city make more than 50% of their gross annual sales during the holidays. Wouldn’t it be cool to put that money into our home town?

Have a great week!

This might sound really sad, but I dread Christmas. I don’t dread the celebration of the birth of Christ, I dread the getting ready and gift-giving part. Don’t get me wrong, I love to give, I just hate buying stuff that people may not actually want or even need.

I knew how I felt when I got my 10th pair of fake-deerskin slippers. I just tossed them in the back of the closet. I figured eventually I would either like to wear them or grow 4 more pairs of feet and have a use for them.

Every Christmas has been the same since my childhood. I would get 2 or 3 really good gifts and the rest were just stinkers.

I remember a few years ago I got some pretty bad gifts and put them in the pantry. A few weeks went by and my oldest son and I decided to go out and shoot guns for the afternoon. We didn’t have anything to shoot at and suddenly I had this bright idea. Why don’t we target practice on the bad Christmas gifts? This is all in fun. I am grateful for all the gifts I receive, especially cash and gift cards!

Here are some ideas of things you can do with unwanted Christmas gifts.

Regifting! You have to be super careful when re-gifting. First, you don’t want to regive a gift to the person who gave it to you in the first place and second, you have to be careful that it is a "regiftable" gift. For instance: Nobody knows that you regifted a fruitcake from last Christmas. Everyone knows if you regift a puppy.

Tell your family you were robbed! A simple solution... Burgle yourself! (Trash the crap and tell everyone you were robbed. Avoid all queries as to why the burglar chose 10 pairs of bikini underwear and cheap chocolates over your DVD player and PC).

Make a contribution! Wait for the next time a little kid comes knocking on the door looking for sponsorship in a walkathon, bikeathon or readathon or whatever-athon they are having. Rather than sponsor with money, dig deeper (into the pile), hand over the Celine Dion CD and brand new $1.99 digital watch with the dead battery.

Create something from your bad gifts! By the time they've given you toaster number 28, you have enough to dismantle and make your own tanning lounge. Threaten the kids with toasting if they won't eat their veggies.

Okay, so some of that was just being mean, but you understand where I am coming from. Sometimes there is just too much pressure in giving gifts.

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You’re probably thinking that I am a Scrooge, but I’m really not. We have fun at our house!

I know that the Christmas tree symbolizes the season, but I sometimes dread that too. I know that the weekend after Thanksgiving my football game will be interrupted with, "Honey, why don’t you go out into the garage and get the tree?"

What I really hear is, "Hey, get off your butt. I don’t care that the Cowboys are tied up with 2 minutes to go in the game. Tip toe across the cold concrete floor, stand on a ladder and throw your back out trying to pull that tree off of that dusty shelf!"

It’s all good once the tree is put together and my attitude always changes as each layer of branches gets unbent and stabbed into position.

Ronda puts on her traditional Christmas music and it reminds me of why I hate Kathie Lee Gifford and everyone else who thinks they can sing and should put out a favorite Christmas music CD.

After arguing where the tree should go, our tree went together in about an hour. And to my surprise, I only had two bulbs burned out this year. That’s one more than last year. I put those towards the back. Eventually we’ll be down to one light and I’ll know it’s time to buy a new string.

It’s my job to put the tree together. It’s Ronda’s job to dig out the ornaments and it’s the kids’ jobs to decorate the tree. It’s also Ronda’s job to take down the Christmas decorations. That usually happens at 12:01 a.m. December 26th.

The kids make the tree decorating a full contact sport. They make fun of each other’s ornaments and someone usually ends up crying. That process takes around an hour and always results in some broken ornaments and a tree that leans to one side.

After the kids go to bed, Ronda and I redecorate the tree.

Have a great week!!!

I don’t know what I was thinking, but I had skipped breakfast last Monday morning. I was sitting in my office and my stomach was making that processing sound without food present.

I had lost track of time, but when I heard the whistle blow, I knew it was time to take a break and get some lunch!

I ran out to my truck and looked at my clock. It was only 11 a.m., not noon.

Uh, that would have been the noon whistle I heard, but someone forgot to "Fall Back".

I ran into Ted Hauser, City Administrator on Tuesday. I mentioned the whistle blowing at the wrong time. It must show my age. I’m griping about things like the whistle blowing at the wrong time. I’ll just let everyone know right now to stay off my lawn.

Ted informed me that, "It’s not the city’s job."

"In fact, when it blows at 11 a.m., it wakes me up from my nap," he said jokingly.

Apparently, it’s the county’s job to set the clock for the noon whistle. I think it should also be the county’s job to set the clock on my VCR that’s still flashing 12:00 a.m., but I and my stomach would settle for the whistle blowing at noon and not at 11 a.m. on Monday.

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I’m not meaning to pick on Ted Hauser, but I have a funny story from last weekend.

I ran into Ted during the raffle drawing at the Christmas Open House in Medicine Lodge. Ted was pretty sure he was going to be a winner that day. Most everyone I spoke with was convinced they would win the grand prize meat bundle. It was mandatory that you be present to win this item, so almost everyone was there.

Ted was there. I’m sure he thought he was going to be a winner and he was! Ted’s name was drawn. I believe he won a candle. Ted was so excited that he ran off to show his wife. When he did, they drew again for the grand prize - the 300 lb. meat bundle. Guess who’s name was drawn? That’s right - Ted Hauser! Well, he wasn’t present, so he lost the meat bundle to Faye Whelan and I’m sure Ted’s wife is saying, "Where’s the beef?"

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Here’s one that will make you say, "duh."

While blondes may have more fun, a new study suggests that fair-haired ladies may be making those around them dumber.

Researchers found that men's scores on general knowledge tests drop when they are shown photos of blonde women, the Sunday Times of London reported.

Upon further inspection, it was found that the test subjects were not distracted by the light hair, but driven by social stereotypes to "think blonde."

"This proves that people confronted with stereotypes generally behave in line with them," Thierry Meyer, joint author of the study and professor of social psychology at the University of Paris X-Nanterre, told the Times of London. "In this case blondes have the potential to make people act in a dumber way, because they mimic the unconscious stereotype of the dumb blonde."

The study indicates a belief by scientists that stereotyping is a powerful driving force in interacting with others.

Another waste of government money...

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Folks, if you haven’t noticed, gasoline is $3.19 a gallon. I’ve always been an advocate for shopping at home, but now more than ever you have a reason. If you’re shopping for Christmas gifts and you are looking to save on an item because it is a few dollars cheaper in Pratt or Wichita, I would encourage you to buy a calculator while you are there because you are not going to save money.

Take a day and look at your local retailers. If they don’t have what you want, they can probably get it for you. You’ll not only save money, but you’ll put money into your local economy as well.

Have a great week!

The list of contaminated toys "made in China" keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I’m sure if I spent some time digging through my kids’ toys, I could come up with enough lead to poison the entire grade school.

What shocks me the most about toys made in China is the sheer quantity of toys that are made there. I was watching the news at lunch on Monday and the news anchor listed only a few companies in the United States that make toys. Let me tell you - they are few, and the ones that are made in the good ole’ U.S.A, well, frankly they are terrible toys. I know I wouldn’t want to play with them if I were a kid.

I’m going to discuss some of these toys and why they are terrible. This is a real website where you can go and purchase real toys that are made in the U.S.A. Some aren’t too bad, but in the spirit of my column, I am focusing on the ones that are just stupid....

The website is: www.fatbraintoys.com

Soda Pop Kit - Invent your own secret soda formulas, create some fizz, experiment with flavors and colors, conduct taste tests, and get started on your life of obesity and type II diabetes. What kind of ploy is this? If you buy this toy for your kid and your kid doesn’t die in his or her mid-thirties, good job parent!

Good Luck Egg Micro-Terrarium - Remember the funny uncle who smelled like sandal wood, liked Pink Floyd and always had Oreo cookies stashed in his room? When you finally kill the plants included with this toy, you can start your kid off learning how to grow their own illegal substances in the upstairs window of your home. Hemp seed not included. Good luck with your 5-7 year prison sentence.

Fort Canister (Lincoln Log Knock-Offs) - Made in the USA since 1930, this Log Building set is still made of real wood and still tastes just as bad as they did when I was a kid. Remember how they would stain your mouth brown?

Collectors Edition Slinky - Now your kid too can be bored stupid with a coiled up piece of metal that comes no where close to making it down the stairs as shown on TV. I always wanted to watch the person who gave me this toy topple down the stairs. The only fun I had with a slinky was to hand my sister one end of it and say, "hold this", as I stretched it out and let it fly back towards her at super slinky speed. Sorry about that sis.

Gold Plated Slinky - For the rich, bored kid.

Super-Snow Bulk Bag - Simply combine water with Super Snow, stir and instantly make boredom! The more you stir, the more it shines and sparkles! The more it shines and sparkles, the less friends you have. An actual review of this product read: "Super Snow was horrible. Not as good as original product (Sno) that this product copied. It was too slushy regardless of the amounts of snow or water we used. (Note From Fat Brain Toys: We apologize Super Snow was a Super Slush. Mr. Hood was contacted and will be returning Super Snow for a full refund.) I just can’t get over that someone copied this toy in the first place!

Pick-Up Sticks - I know, you’re saying, "Hey, I had those as a kid." Now admit how terrible they were and think of the health risks. Give your kid a sharp pointy object and hope to God they don’t poke their eye out or their friend’s eye out. Do you remember Yard Darts? Now that was a cool game, but you don’t see those on the shelves anymore either do you?

By the way, Pick Up Sticks are believed to have originated in ancient China of all places.

Dinosaur Marshmallows - Great, the real reason dinosaurs became extinct. Our kids ate them.... I’m not even going to begin to describe how dumb this is.

Okay, so these are pretty wholesome toys and would probably be fun for like 5 or 10 minutes when it is pouring down rain outside and the electricity is off, but come on....

No wonder why China is kicking our butts. America, we need to get creative.

Have a great week!

Well, if this isn’t a bunch of crap, I dont know what is.

I can’t believe it. I even printed it on my own paper! What really stinks is I didn’t pay much attention to it at first.

As part of a creative fundraiser, The Barber County Jr. Leaders are preparing to hold what they call, "Cow Chip Bingo". I just sensed several old ladies perking up at the mention of BINGO, but wait, there’s more.

In this country-style fundraiser, 100 squares will be drawn on the ground. Each square will be sold and half the proceeds will be given to the lucky person who owns the square in which the cow leaves its first cow pie!

Hilarious... I love small-town living.

Approximately $500 will be given per cow.

In a release from the Wendy Prosser, this "Chippin´" good time is set to take place on Sunday, November 18th at 5:00pm following the Medicine Lodge Christmas Open House and Craft Show. It will be located at the corner of Kansas and Oak in Medicine Lodge.

While waiting for the "chips" to fall a freewill donation supper will be served. The menu includes homemade ham and beans and country stew. If you would like to get in on a piece of the "pie" you can purchase your squares from the Jr. Leaders booth at the Medicine Lodge Christmas Open House and Craft Show from 1pm to 5pm that day. You can also contact Paula Doman (620-886-3971) or Wendy Prosser (620-886-5714). Tickets are $10 for each square.

You do not have to be present to win, but you´ll miss out on a great time. The Jr. Leaders are using the proceeds from the fund raiser to go skiing in Colorado this Spring.

I wonder, if you win do you get to shout some explicit?

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In Britain last week, health officials decided that Santa is too fat! Santa is being told to slim down for the Christmas season because Santa is too obese and is failing to set a "good example" for children.

This revelation comes after a medical report earlier that stated by 2050 more than 50 percent of Britains will be obese, and probably toothless.

There must be an evil think tank somewhere that sits around and thinks of ways to further screw up Christmas. First they take Christ out and make it Xmas and then we make Santa a skinny guy. I’ll bet these guys are the same people who convince the big shopping centers to put out Christmas stuff right before Halloween.

And they're even sending Santa to boot camp!

Bluewater's Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolize him.

I'm all about excercise. I think it should be a part of everyone's life, but I'm not sure Santa is a bad example for children.

Besides, has anyone not noticed that this fat guy seems to be the epitomy of health? He's been around for more than 1500 years, doesn't ever seem stressed and has plans to be around for many years to come with no plans for retirement.

I can see a skinny Santa at the mall and kids lined up to sit on his.... uh, leg.

"Ouch Santa, You're bony knee is hurting my fat little behind," said Timmy.

I'm thinking we should lay off Santa and focus on Timmy here. Timmy should switch out his after school potato chip bag for a banana and lay down the video game controller, pick up a soccer ball and go outside! When he does finally sit on Santa's lap and asks for candy and video games, Santa should give him a loving squeeze and say, "Not this year Timmy. I'm bringing you a Total Gym XL3000! HO-HO-HO!"

Come on. Leave Santa alone. Can you imagine being a skinny guy flying around the world in the dead of winter at 30,000 feet, delivering presents to children and not having the extra padding?

Have a Jolly week!

In 1918, on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day in the eleventh month, the world rejoiced and celebrated. After four years of bitter war, an armistice was signed. The "war to end all wars" was over.

In 1921, an unknown World War I American soldier was buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

Similar ceremonies occurred earlier in England and France, where an unknown soldier was buried in each nation's highest place of honor (in England, Westminster Abbey; in France, the Arc de Triomphe).

These memorial gestures all took place on November 11, giving universal recognition to the celebrated ending of World War I fighting at 11 a.m.

Armistice Day officially received its name in America in 1926 through a Congressional resolution. It became a national holiday 12 years later by similar Congressional action. If the idealistic hope had been realized that World War I was "the War to end all Wars," November 11 might still be called Armistice Day. But only a few years after the holiday was proclaimed, war broke out in Europe.

Realizing that peace was equally preserved by veterans of WW II and Korea, Congress was requested to make this day an occasion to honor those who have served America in all wars. In 1954 President Eisenhower signed a bill proclaiming November 11 as Veterans Day.

A law passed in 1968 changed the national commemoration of Veterans Day to the fourth Monday in October. It soon became apparent, however, that November 11 was a date of historic significance to many Americans. Therefore, in 1978 Congress returned the observance to its traditional date.

On Friday, November 9th, our community will gather at MLHS to honor our area's veterans. The ceremony will be held in the MLHS Auditorium at 1:15 p.m. Mr. Hill’s junior history classes will have the Memorabilia Museum at the Christian Church Family Live Center from 9 a.m. to noon. This is a very cool museum and kudos to Mr. Hill for keeping this tradition alive.

It has become an annual celebration of great importance. If you have never been to this program, I encourage you to attend.

Every day 1,000 WWII veterans die. Soon a generation of kids will no longer be able to say they knew a veteran from WWII.

Over the past year, I was privileged to take part in a project that has recorded the memories of 50 WWII veterans. You've read about it in the newspaper and I don't need to go into great detail about it. The project met its goal of 50 veteran interviews. Approximately 30 of these WWII veterans are from around the Medicine Lodge area. 16 of the interviews were from the South Barber area and were completed by the Kiowa schools before the project began. One interview was from a veteran near Protection, Kansas and the remainder were scattered throughout Barber County.

The oral accounts and the video taped interviews will be available from The Lincoln Library and will also be a part of the media center to be located at The Greater Barber County Historical Action Association’s Heritage building on HWY 160.

Since the time the interviews began, we've lost 3 of these veterans. One in particular that was dear to my heart was Bob Gilmore. I had known Bob since I was just a child. It was such an honor to hear his story. It was an honor to hear all of the veterans' stories. It's for veterans like Bob Gilmore that we honor them with a celebration at MLHS.

WWII is only the beginning of the veterans we honor in our community. Several wars and conflicts later, our community continues to have their sons and daughters serve their country in peace time and in times of conflict. All of them deserve our praise and gratitude.

And finally, Phelps's abuse of the first amendment may be coming to an end. As a Kansan, I applaud the decision by the jurors to award nearly $11 million in damages to the family of Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder. And I pray to God that Phelps and his group, or any group for that matter, are censured from disrupting any more time of mourning for families laying to rest their fallen sons and daughters. This is distasteful and does not represent the love of Christ that my Bible so clearly displays. God Bless the Snyder family and God Bless every family who lost someone in the line of service to their country. Remember our Veterans with honor this coming Veterans Day.

Have a great week!

"Green car. NO!!!!!"

That’s all the poor kid could cry as Ronda and I left Newcastle, OK last weekend in David’s Explorer.

I pulled up the drive way behind her and took 2-year-old Ben Fasgold’s photo as he reached out towards the vehicle that he had apparently become so attached to all his short life.

David Fasgold was ready for a new vehicle and made us an offer we couldn’t refuse. As you know, David and his family moved to Newcastle, OK nearly one year ago. I was going to be going to Oklahoma City over the weekend, so it just seemed like a good opportunity to take Ronda with me to drive the Explorer back to Medicine Lodge.

Ben was just a little guy when he left Medicine Lodge a year ago, but he was still happy to see us when we got there. He took Ronda by the hand to show her his latest toys in the driveway. David and I slipped off to finalize paperwork and exchange money for merchandise while she kept Ben entertained.

We knew something was up by the concerned look on his face when we were checking over the Explorer. For being so young, he knew something was transpiring and he told us several times, "My Green Car." It was half question and half matter of fact.

But when Ronda jumped in the front seat and hit the ignition, the tears flowed as "Green Car" drove away.

David gave me a call a day later to tell me Ben was doing better, but he was pretty tore up about "Green Car". As it turns out, the tears didn’t stop flowing when the car was out of sight. Ben cried himself to sleep with, "Green car gone" and "bye-bye Green car....." The first words out of his mouth the next day were, "Where’s Green Car?"

Of course David wanted to know if I was happy with the car and I told him that it got really good gas mileage on the way back and everything checked out fine.

When I say "checked out fine" I mean things like:

a) it starts

b) it goes forward and backwards

c) it stops

d) the stereo kicks butt

For those of you who know David, you know he is very meticulous about his vehicles. Before we got to Newcastle he cleaned it all out and detailed it. It actually had the greasy feel and new car smell to it. He had even bought new sparkplugs, but hadn’t had the time to install them.

When I got there he actually felt bad because he forgot to tell me that one of the door locks wasn’t working all the time. It was really no big deal, but he was concerned that he had forgotten to tell me.

In actuality, the car was in even better condition than I remembered.

Ronda drove the Explorer back to Medicine Lodge that afternoon with no issues.

Then on Monday morning Ronda took off in "Green Car" to go get the newspapers from the printing plant. Just 15 miles from our house Bambi entered the roadway and Ronda laid on the horn. The horn didn’t work. That was probably check point "e" that I didn’t check before I left Newcastle. It didn’t seem important.

She slammed on the breaks, but it wasn’t in time and "Green Car" hit brown deer. Ronda, shaken, got out of the vehicle to check the damage and to see if she killed the deer. The deer jumped up and took off. The Explorer wasn’t quite as lucky. The headlight housing was busted and the blinker light was broken out, but other than that, no cosmetic damage - just a bunch of fur sticking out of the bumper cover.

I emailed David to tell him about the car.

"I want my money back. The horn doesn’t work."

David called me later and felt really bad.

"I don’t remember ever having to honk the horn," he said.

I believe him. He’s that kind of guy.

He did say that there were deer horns on the vehicle and was surprised they didn’t work. I told him that they were probably installed backwards.

Have a great week!

Last month I was awarded a prestigious position as owner of my very own Fantasy Football team. This coveted position is only bestowed on one when a previous owner: a) moves away; b) doesn’t pay their entry fee and shows no interest; c) dies.

Fortunately for both the former owner and myself, it was b.

I was completely and utterly in the dark about this secret underground football league and was lucky enough to have training and instruction from longtime friend and neighbor Mark Rice. My team was already picked out and positioned by the former owner. I just had to manage my team.

Remember I knew very little about the sport, but I’m a quick learner and I am now seeing football more as entertainment and not an excuse for a Sunday afternoon nap. I still napped through the Dallas vs. St. Louis game, 35-7, Dallas.

I’m now calling my league commissioner weekly for my stats, looking up my own information on the internet and I am even switching players around. So far, so good.

I always have watched/napped football games in the past. It is something of tradition in our home to go to church on Sunday, rush home to eat and then fall asleep on the couch watching the games. My wife might actually be a bigger football fan than I am. From Dallas, TX, Ronda always wants to watch the Cowboys play and over the years, she sucked me in to being a Dallas fan. Years ago my father-in-law even took me to see a Dallas Cowboys vs. Houston Oilers game. Now they are called the Houston